It’s more fitting if you play both songs at the same time. It sounds like my mind.
https://youtu.be/L10TQH3-Im8
My father’s father committed suicide when he was ten, and my father found him hanging in the basement and was blamed for it, at ten years old. My father who I never met committed suicide one week before my birthday when I was about to turn ten. My mother hated my father. My father’s brother committed suicide. I’m just the next in line. My mother’s grandmother was unstable. My father was unstable. My mother was just a mess. Both of my parents were alcoholics. My mother was raped multiple times before she met my father. My older half brother killed my 3 year old sister when he was 14, and I watched him do it, when I was 2. He sells drugs now and has been in and out of prison for half his life for being foolish. I’ve been traumatized for as long as I can remember, and I don’t remember much of anything from before I was 13, and virtually nothing from a few years before that. I’ve been victimized and picked on my entire life by morons and sickos that come and go, and I’ve fantasized about killing these people for a long time. I have met child molesters, psychopaths, drug dealers, racists, the inbred, murderers, and an actual terrorist. My mother never fed me or clothed me when I was a child. She preferred to spend all the money we had on cigarettes. I was neglected and abused. We lived in a dirty smoke filled shithole of an apartment with a slumlord in charge. My mother never let me have basic cable or a computer or see my family. The first two are privileges, but are they really privileges in a first world country? It merely compounds upon the fact that there was nothing to do but sit in awkward silence as my mother neglected me. I’ve had people threaten to kill me when I was a child. I have been robbed and re-robbed, attacked, threatened, and ostracized. My mother would manipulate her stupid drunk friends into threatening me when I was a child for getting upset with her when she abused me. I could hear her having sex every night with an old man who she made me live with when I was 13 through the wall, in his spare room with a gun cabinet in it. She took away everything I had and made us live down there in his apartment all day doing nothing, and at night I would hear them having sex. I would turn my alarm clock on and let it beep through the wall all night to drown out the noise, but they never noticed. One time that strange old man who I didn’t know came into my ‘room’ and beat the fuck out of me. I didn’t cry. It just made me angry. There was no context for us to be there. It was strange and creepy. She was not fit to take care of a child. She repeatedly told me she hated me. She couldn’t take care of herself, let alone a child. I have purposeful cuts and burn marks up and down my arms. I have Schizotypal personality disorder, ADD, Aphantasia, Dyscalculia, Pectis carinatum, obsessive, intrusive thoughts, my knees are in the wrong place, and the beginnings of diabetes and symptoms of Paranoid personality disorder. Aphantasia means you can’t see things in your head. ADD means I can’t focus. Schizotypal PD means I feel like I am viewing reality through a veil and my emotions are blunted. My reality is not very vivid. I am completely depersonalized to numb the pain. I don’t even feel real. I’m fairly certain I had a minor stroke from sheer stress regardless of my age and health when I was still a teenager. All of this means I never even had a chance. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat right. I always feel weak, fatigued and delirious and I can’t focus on anything to save my life. I have mental static and brain fog. I feel dirty and dizzy. I feel like there is a shadowy parasite on my back draining all of my energy. Nothing ever stimulates me and I don’t feel anything even when I think about sex and am aroused, I don’t feel horny. I feel nothing. I am braindead. I always have a headache and feel vaguely sick like I am going to puke. I hate when people try to “help” me and just make things worse. I feel violated and abused. I have had my rights taken away since I was a child. People have spitefully harmed me my whole life. Sometimes you just have to recognize a lost cause. I have become ravenous and vicious and hateful and I thorns around my dark heart. That’s not even mentioning the things that happened to us besides the bare minimum. Don’t tell me it’s going to get better, because it’s NOT.
I’m sick of people lying and exploiting each other. I’m not the one with the messed up worldview, just because I’m messed up. The world is messed up. People who say that I’m wrong and that I’ve got things twisted are the ones who are wrong. Just because their reality is different than mine they think such pain doesn’t exist. Well lucky them. I’d like to show them, those naive and off-puttingly innocent people, a thing or two about what the exquisite horror of reality can do to people. I’m artistic. I’m intelligent. I’m deranged.  Doesn’t that make a perfect maniac? I’d like to expose my true self who I keep locked away under this facade of sanity and show them fucking hell.
Kill me.
79 comments
Say something once, why say it again?
My grandfather hung himself. My brother found him. My brother never recovered. His mom is in an asylum after overdosing on his psych meds.
I come from a long line of alcoholics. I’m an alcoholic. Among other shit.
It don’t get better… But breathe… Play guitar or go for a walk in the cemetery. I always find peace in the cemetery. It won’t get better but it will all be ok. *hugs*
I hate hugs. Don’t hug me.
It will not be okay. It is never okay. I want to die, you fucking hear me? How is that okay? It’s gotten to the point that I just want to start slitting people’s throats when they get in my way. Did you read what I wrote? Are you fucking insane? All of my life I have known nothing but scum. Normal people, I just don’t even like them anymore.
I apologize, you are just a foll for thinking I want sympathy at this point. It’s too late for that. I don’t know what I want in life. The only thing thing I want is death.
*fool*
I can’t type fast.
I am a monster
It seems like I have multiple personalities as well… when I talk to different people my personality changes. Over the course of months my mind always seems to take on a different persona. It’s not that I don’t remember these personalities I have… it’s strange. Whenever I find a fitting well rounded personality I abandon it. Being accepted or respected is too much pressure, so I subconsciously and consciously sabotage myself and any persona that seems like it functions.
So I have no friends. Nobody knows who I really am. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to hide my self, or my true self is trying to come out. I have no idea. No one cares anyway. Sayonara.
Wouldn’t call you a monster, more like broken and a fucked up guy. Worry not, you’re not alone.
World does two things to people. Either it gives them a chance to exist or crushes them to the core and completely fucks up their brains. And you know, broken people that feel too much shit want just to make other stupid fuckers to feel the same.
You ever heard Fuck the world by HU? I think you would appreciate the lyrics.
Multiple personality as an addition? Whatever. It’s the only you you have in the end. No choice pal, you know yourself.
And really, what’s wrong with being crazy enough to change every moment or have other people coping with you in the end? Normalcy is overrated anyway.
Other people as in your brain. No misunderstanding here.
Icarus
Although i never had it as bad as you, i had a few things that messed me up as well. By reading your comments, i see you don’t want sympathy so i’ll respect that.
My situation – given away at 5yo. Never seen my mum since then. Father dead (hardly saw him while alive) haven’t seen my siblings in over 20 years now. Got no photos of any of my family. (this hurts the most)
Haven’t even got the anger in me anymore. That was extinguished when i went off the rails in my late teens and 20s. So, that’s me. Theres a whole bunch of other shit i went through which i’m not really comfortable mentioning in public.
So, here i am day in and out staring at the fucking wall. No real friends. no job. no kids. no s.o. Nothing that’s supposed to make up what qualify’s as human. I sometimes wish i could feel anger again, at least i did more with it than the apathy i feel at the moment.
Tbh, i know it would have been easier to kill myself in that frame of mind, than this ***** i’ve become now.
https://www.ancestry.com/
It’s a free trial, for 13 days. You have until then to find your siblings.
Thanks for the link Icarus. Unfortunately it gets a little more complicated for me.
I was born in a different country to where i currently reside. When i went to my dads funeral, i met some of my family. Although they seemed allright, i felt like a ‘guilty secret’. Because i was given up for foster care and they never stepped in, well it was a bit awkward to say the least.
A few years ago when facebook first started up, i tracked down one of my siblings and spoke with them for a little bit. I heard my mum had more kids (that she kept) Shit, as if my self esteem was already pretty low, you can imagine what i felt. ‘Damaged goods’ doesn’t even come close to describing what i feel for myself.
So, although on my part over the years i’ve mellowed out somewhat and i forgive my parents, i know i’m too fucked up now to even want to fix myself or even try and mend any relationship. 30 years is too long in my eyes, that water under the bridge has passed, been drunk, pissed out and come back under the bridge again.
Btw, sorry to make your thread about me mate. I always seem to do this without realising. I don’t know how to relate to people very well without sharing my experiences.
That’s no problem. And many people seem to overlook simple information and facts, so I thought I may as well try with the link. Some people just like to complain and not do anything to make their situation better.
You said something in an old post that I think about on a daily basis.You were talking about the Columbine shooter, whom you correctly labeled an idiot because you said something to the effect that spreading your own pain and hatred on others is counterproductive to your situation. Many times that thought has brought me down from a homocidal rage. Because if nothing else I’d like to think I’m not an idiot. The world is the fucked up place it is because humans are stimulus response creatures. Those who are bullied often become bullies (or shoot up a school). Those who are abused often continue the cycle of abuse on others. And now we have the leader of the free world, the pinnacle of idiot, who is making this infantile tit-for-tat mentality a national if not global pastime. So why do I think of your statement on a daily basis, if everyone is behaving like the fucking idiots they are? Because I also hate idiots. And something tells me that to spiral into reactive rage for all the shit that’s been heaped on me (a lifetime of shit that’s beyond the limits of most people’s understanding, like yours) would put me squarely the a vulgar class of idiots whom I despise. Does this mean I’m going to put on a fake smile and give out free hugs at the mall. No. But in my own way I’m going to figure out how to break the cycle. I can tell you’re a creative thinker with above-idiot intelligence so maybe you can figure it out before me.
The thing about idiots is that they are obnoxious. People tend to think that people are getting stupider. This isn’t true. People are just as stupid as they’ve always been, they just have more ways to express their stupidity. The internet, social media, music, pop culture.
Idiocy isn’t spreading. It’s revealing itself.
People tended to think I was an idiot when I was in school because I never talked to people or did my schoolwork, and I played dumb to avoid conflict with assholes. The reason I didn’t talk to people in a town full of racists, druggies, and white wannabe douchebags with their baggy sweatshirts and backwards hats, is evident. The reason I never did my schoolwork was because I didn’t agree with the methods of teaching that were being applied in schools. Among the fact that they did not actually teach us anything practical, like how to do taxes etc; they taught in ways that taught us not to think for ourselves. Such as showing your work while doing math, it slows you down and hampers your intuition. They essentially tell you not to use your intuition, do it on paper as though you cannot do so in your head. The textbooks are outdated and supply information that is irrelevant or sometimes even incorrect.
We deserve better.
> Idiocy isn’t spreading. It’s revealing itself.
I’ve been thinking along those lines, and it’s even more frightening than thinking the human race is getting worse. Because the conclusion – that we are in a fixed state of evolutionary stagnation – is the most depressing thought I can imagine. So I try to console myself with thoughts like, there is a small minority of humans that is evolving both cerebrally and morally. Those are the real representatives of evolution, not the drones you see on the nightly news. The jury is still out on that. Because every time I start thinking, sure, for every thousand idiots there’s 1 person who’s worth a damn, that’s when I realize many of those worth-a-damns get squashed by the idiots because thanks to technology it’s easy for an idiot to do some damage. Unlike the old days when an outcast like Einstein could hide in his room and block out the world, we are all wired into this collective idiocy called the human race. So I don’t know, even though it seems like we haven’t changed, I think we’re at a break point. The “endangered species” is the intelligent sensible human. They have existed under the radar for 10 million years quietly driving the human world with Einsteins and Newtons and Gandhis and Mother Teresas and Platos. This century is when we see them either take charge or get stamped out once and for all.
Check out “Right in Two” By Tool.
Intelligence does not equate to morality.
Intelligence and morality are usually on opposite ends. After all I don’t see any dumb shits responsible for designing nukes and biological weapons. I meant both must be mastered simultaneously for it to be a true progress.
I once read an old Sufi precept about how the reduction of suffering must be focused on more than the pursuit of knowledge. It’s obvious why, so I’m not going to go into detail.
I don’t care if you don’t like hugs. I’ll hold you down and hug the f out of you. Lol.
I try to tell myself it’ll be ok but you’re right, it never is ok. But I tried to help sorta.
*more hug r*pe upon Icarus* Shhh… It’ll only hurt for a minute.
Right. I’m just being stubborn. Or I harbor a genuine aversion to affection caused by psychological trauma and sincerely hate people who act like Care-Bears. I have my pride.
Why do people think it’s ok to force others into things without their consent just to satisfy their own ego?
If a hug makes YOU feel better, but not the other person, then find someone else who wants that. Or hug a plushie toy.
No means no, no matter what it is.
Calm down. A hug is a gesture of goodwill like a pat or a handshake or when someone says they’re “praying for you”. I don’t like any of those but that’s due to my own issues. Not the “ego” of someone trying to help as you say.
Go back and re-read what she wrote. It’s not goodwill if it’s not welcomed. A person has the right to refuse a hug or a handshake or a friendly kiss (like the cultural way), etc. A pat on the back or shoulder is trickier as sometimes it is necessary to get someone’s attention, but if a person specifically indicates they don’t like being touched, then don’t touch them.
No, you go back and read what was written. Maybe the “lol” will tip you off, as well as the playful care-bear banter that ensued. It’s called fucking humor.
I wasn’t being playful.
@ Icarus: Yep, I could see that you’re the type who doesn’t want to be touched, hence what I wrote.
SisterDisgrace was clearly being playful and helpful, not “egotistical”. Nepheliad just admit you’re fucking wrong so we can move on. Or spew more negativity idk you love the last word so I’m letting you have it along with a big fucking sloppy gyrating hug.
@tired of this… *high 5* I dig that spunk…
*vomits her rainbows and butterflies onto nepheliad* Lighten up.
Well, there are some days when people hugging me makes me so uncomfortable I want to stab them, but sometimes it makes me smile, if done humorously. I wrote that a while ago. By now I’m less perturbed.
I don’t like hugging in real life. Unless it’s another female. Lol.
I ain’t no Care Bear haha.
I feel ya tho. In my own way, I understand a bit.
I hate people too. Well, most and that most being all the people in Pennsylvania.
People in New England are not to your liking?
I’d rather ppl in New England than the ones here in my town any day.
Oh, isn’t upstate New York part of New England?
I’m not sure why, but I just assumed New England.
Ppl in my city. They’re the most vile ppl ever. Not all of Pennsylvania. Just Erie county.
And to the person bashing me… It was a fkn joke. Was just being silly. It wasn’t really happening in real life. Sheesh. I wasn’t hurting anyone nor would I ever. I’m just not a mean person. I want to be mean sometimes but I’m not. It’s not in my nature.
As always being silly… Being nice… Makes others jump on me and verbally beat me down.
I was just trying to make him smile… Even Just a lil.
I’m not trying to beat you down. Someone in real life used that exact phrase on me recently… “I don’t care if you don’t like this/if you don’t consent, I’m going to do it anyway.” I managed to get out of that situation without anything happening, but the fact that a person who THOUGHT they were well-meaning said that to me, showed me they were being pushy, not empathetic, and it made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t in regards to being hugged, it was something else.
My point is that if it’s making only YOU feel better, not the other person, then don’t do it.
I get it. I’ve been abused all my life. I know what you mean but really I was just trying to lighten the mood with my silly sense of humour. I’m sorry if it offends you so much so that you felt the need to put me down… To make yourself feel better.
You’re so very childish.
SisterDisgrace You know that’s not what she meant by it.
Ok Icarus/Prokofiev/whatever the fuck you go by, observe carefully. If you and nepheliad have a problem with positivity and people trying to be helpful, to the point that you make personal attacks at them, then OK I’ll play along. Maybe cynicism and antagonism is all that speaks to you. I had an ounce of respect for you, despite your shitty, caustic attitude, because of the fact that you seemed to see the philosophical fallacy in your own behavior, or at least in the Columbine “idiots” you talked about. And I pointed that out, that any fucking dimwit can react to hate with more hate. It’s predictable, it’s base, it’s primal and it’s exactly what you are doing. Throw intelligence and philosophy and logic to the wind because you have chosen the path of a common hater. No IQ required. I thought you had some wisdom in you, but you are just spiraling further down into petty name calling and attacks on easy targets (positive people). So I’m telling you, by your own logic not the words I would choose though the sentiment is the same, you are being a fucking idiot and your life will continue to mirror the hate you throw out. That goes for all the haters on this site, you reap what you sow. But if nothing else, you have made your life worthwhile today because I am making a point to go out and be extremely kind to someone, even though most days I am ready to gut anyone who crosses my path. Congratulations because you have helped me to evolve by watching you devolve. God that feels good to finally see how ugly hatred is from an outside viewpoint. Thank you SisterDisgrace and keep up the good fight, but maybe choose a more deserving person to help next time. There are plenty of people here who would love a kind word or a hug or hell just someone who takes the trouble to comment on their thread.
You just don’t get it. Some people like their personal space. Just respect that. Not everyone is going to be like you. You don’t need to go out on a limb. You’ve both been trying to attribute qualities to nepheliad that she doesn’t possess, because you’re too petty and shallow to understand her words. Instead, you chose to take offence. Go blow off steam somewhere else.
Why don’t you respect people? You resent the fact that they don’t like your assumptions, so you just counter them with more assumptions. It’s not a high stakes scenario. People are just trying to establish boundaries. Nothing she is saying, she is saying to make herself feel better, you didn’t even consider the fact that other people can have different experiences with physical interactions than you, we don’t all like being touchy feely like people we don’t know. It’s nothing personal. You don’t need to take it that way. You’re offended that I don’t want people to wax sentimental in my face when I don’t even know them.
“Not all of Pennsylvania. Just Erie county.”
Amish Mafia. I ran with them for a while before I became a Quaker. Stone cold killers, but quick with the barn raising.
Thank you @tired of this! Some ppl just don’t have nor know what humour is these days.
It’s a sad world anymore. No wonder we humans lose hope so easily.
Laugh a lil… Maybe, your life will brighten up even for just a moment.
Haha I’m hugging everyone in this god damned thread until I get charged with a sex offense. There aren’t enough positive attitudes in the world and it bothers me when helpers and positive people get attacked around here. I got a list of assholes a mile long if anyone is that bored that they gotta pick on the good guys. So *BIG FUCKING HUG* to ya
Funnily enough, some studies have shown that intelligent people prefer less physical contact than others…
People who have any intelligence at all… Know when to laugh… Know how to laugh… Know what humour is.
I may be childish but I’m not a child. I’m not an idiot nor am I a verbal punching bag when someone wants to make themselves feel better by picking on the little person aka the person who tries her best to make others feel a smidgen of something other than negativity. I feel better if I make another sad soul smile, yeah… If that makes me childish… Oh well. I was trying to be nice.
*hugs @tired of this until the end of the universe*
So long and thanks for all the fish, Icarus…
Hey SisterDisgrace, see my rant above and I wasn’t kidding, I just texted someone I’ve been in a 4 day argument with. “You’re so right, I’ve been a right douchebag lately.” I have you to thank because this thread showed me how hate can blind is to the pain we’re causing others who are just trying to help in their own way. There’s Nothing childish about you at all, the way you handled yourself against someone who carved you a new asshole just for daring to say hugs. You kept trying to inject positivity even though I’m sure your own life needs it (if you’re on a suicide site, obviously). Anyway I suddenly feel a funny lightness because I broke my cycle of hate. This whole show has been worth it from where I’m sitting 🙂
I’m glad I could help someone in some little way today.
I have a ick life but I’m not claiming I have it worse than others cause I know ppl that have it worse than I do. I’ve seen others that have it worse than me. I watched my mother go through the same thing but it has mentally beaten her worse than my life has me.
I’m a peer counselor. I talk to teenagers who at their age are going thru things like me at 37!
Anyway… Some people just don’t appreciate my humour. I can sprout humour in very bad moments that will make anyone laugh and it’s not that bad anymore.
Icarus… I have this little gut feeling you’re too full of yourself.
SisterDisgrace I wasn’t referring to you. I was talking about the “I’m going to hug everyone until I get charged as a sex offender” remark.
as for the other comment, it’s not hate. Some people just don’t like being touched. Get over it. It’s called being shy and reserved. I don’t see why anyone would try to justify violating people’s boundaries. If you want to hug someone, that’s fine, but do it to someone else.
I don’t see why one little rejection which ended up withdrawn had to devolve into feudal warfare.
*grabs Icarus and hugs him tight*
–Care Bear Stare–
-_-
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 🙂 Ha..
Icarus… Ever heard of the bands Mayhem and Burzum?
No?
Check em out… Read the history behind em. It’s pretty interesting. Give em a listen. You may like em.
I’m adding details as I remember them.
I got what he/she was saying. I also get that y’all are being jerks towards me over a playful joke.
This is the internet… Not the real world. I didn’t violate you in person nor would I.
Again… Lighten up. Stop playing the victim… or the next Jeffrey Dahmer… Whatever you’re trying to portray.
The internet is new to some folks. Good thing you didn’t offer Icarus a friendly virtual ass rape. Oh there I go being childish again 😉 Fart jokes next.
I’m gonna shank a bytch right in the butthole. Lol jk.
I’m not gonna get into politics but Trump is new to the internet it seems and I’m afraid our next president is gonna be the likes of these Negative Nancies…
But I like the humour of Trump being president. Whoa… Random.
If you can’t laugh in life… You ain’t living whatsoever.
Dude/dudette you read my mind! I woke up this morning to the news of the latest regression of our president to the mentality of a constipated infant, then I came here and saw this thread. In both cases I see how hate feeds itself. And blocks up the ass passage. Maybe therapeutic butthole shankings aren’t such a bad idea lol
I am a female lol. Dudette. Haha.
They really need to take away Twitter from Trump before he pisses off the wrong “school bully”… And omg… Having your wife stick up for you? Wtf is this? High school? No no middle school! Sometimes it looks like grade school!
(Inserts a bunch of Monty Python humour)
*farts in other country’s general direction*
There’s no point in trying to make other people as miserable as you are. I understand the impulse, but I don’t recommend giving into it.
Even When ppl are negative in my presence… I almost always stay positive even when I’m extremely negative on the inside. I still try to smile at the vile ppl even when I’m as tainted as them.
*rainbow unicorn power*
I’m not even American. I just want people to respect boundaries, and when they make “humorous” remarks that are offensive, I think that perhaps they should rephrase their wording. That’s all.
* Er, “”humorous” remarks that could be considered offensive or could make others feel uncomfortable.” (That’s what I meant to say.)
Even on the internet, (or on a spaceship), no one wants to get probed anally. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing).
People don’t appreciate being asked on a suicide site to “fornicate” either. Call a girl and offer to take her out for a sushi dinner first. Geesh. (Learn some social decorum.)
If I’m paying for sushi I’ll need a BJ in return. Playful banter & mischievous winks hardly repay the investment.
Also: Keep your hands off the remote. We’ll decide together what to watch, you’re not bullying me into some sleep inducing rom-com.
Now run to the store and fetch me some Irish Whiskey. 🙂
I never said I would ask a guy to PAY for sushi. Companionship and conversation would be enough.
Rom-coms? Me? Yesterday I saw “Baby Driver” on its opening night. That’s from the director of “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz.” It was a “smart” heist movie with a killer soundtrack. (Google it.)
Oh I’m crying from laughing so hard.
Sushi is expensive… I’d expect more than a bj if I were a man. Lol.
Males aren’t the only ones who might be horny. I’m not trying to hit on vulnerable people on suicide sites, though. (He started it.)
You’re asking for it now.
I clearly see you eye raping me. Please cease and desist unless you buy me some Irish Whiskey first.
Please.
I’m not that easy.
Um… I’ll buy you some pizza bites (dough with cheese). I’m eating some now, they’re a good snack.
I don’t “eye rape” people. (In my head it’s always consensual.)
(I’m at a cinema again for another movie since it’s a holiday weekend and I had the day off today, so I will soon be disappearing for a couple hours.)
I watched “Cars 3.” For an animated American movie about talking race cars, it was pretty good. I enjoyed it. (I saw the original “Cars” back when it was released, but not “Cars 2.”) These films make me want to take an old automobile out to Arizona or Nevada and go racing in the desert.
I’m home now. I have a Boston Cream donut, lots of alcohol (beer, cider, vodka, rum), and awesome music. Woohoo. Time to party.
Anyone else out there partying tonight? (C’mon. Don’t tell me you’re all doom and gloom 24/7 just ’cause you visit a suicide site.)
I’m am alcoholic in recovery. Life sucks lol