I posted here a few days ago while going through a bad pain attack, just stream of consciousness, whatever I could make my fingers cooperate enough to type. Got a few kind responses (which I’ve only just now read, want y’all to know I appreciate them) which was nice.
Funnily enough, the very next day was the best day I’ve had in years, at least physically, and a pretty great day emotionally as well. My boyfriend and I got to help my dad move some stuff – and even got paid decent enough. I was actually able to do a lot, my P.O.T.S. didn’t act up much, and neither did the stomach pain, even after eating. I worked a good 9 hours almost solid, only breaking every now and then to cool off or when I had to wait on them to do the heavy lifting. The next day was more average, only able to go 10 minutes or so at a time before needing to stop for a while, and pain reared its head a few times, but I still did a good bit to help them finish up.
It was exhausting, and I’m still a bit sore even two days after that, but I felt good. I was happy, and yesterday was fine too. I had a really good feeling when I woke up this morning that somehow everything was turning around.
But I’m here again. Crying and feeling worthless and empty and in pain and wishing I could simply cease to exist. I guess I was wrong.
12 comments
God, i know this feeling.
I wish i could change the ratio of the happines to sadness days.
I’m trying to work out what p.o.t.s is. After searching, i assume it’s Postural Tachycardia? if not, i apologise, you know what the net is like for acronyms.
If so, i feel really sorry for you.
Life is bad enough without adding a horrible illness on top of it.
Yeah, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It’s pretty awful to deal with to be honest xD;
Thanks for the commiseration, and sorry you’re in a position to do so
Hey, thanks for the concern.
I know that people have different reasons for feeling the way they do.
But it kinda puts things in perspective when im bitching about my ‘hay fever’ when someone has something a lot more serious.
I dunno how some people can be so strong tbh.
You won’t catch me calling you out for complaining – allergies are a biiiiitch.
I get that a lot, not sure you can call a sedintary life of leeching off people and breakdowns like every other day “strong” though >->
lol, yeah they can be a *****, but it’s kind of a minor problem when you put it in perspective.
Fellow ‘leech’ here. Shit, everyone leeches off of each other in some way or another.
Breakdowns are a nightmare. when i feel like that, i have to put on loud music. I feel like when i’ve got a singer screaming his/her anguish into my ear, well it makes me feel a lot better. It’s really the only thing that pulls me through.
That and drugs and chocolate as well.
Wish I could join in the drugs part, funnily enough, pot helps with the POTS (and especially the pain) x3
Having no way to pay for it kinda shuts that door though xc
I hope the whole perspective thing is helpful for you, at the least 🙂
‘pot helps with the POTS’
Thats a poster if i ever saw one lol
I’d lmao if i saw that on the wall in the waiting room of a doctors. Someone with a huge grin and a spliff on the go.
No way of paying. know this feeling.
Grow *cough*
Haha yes xD
And I’d love to, buuuut I’m living with my mom cuz of my medical shit, and she’s not exactly pro-marijuana >->
lol
“They are some big plants kitten”
“Tomatoes mum, just plain old tomatoes”
It’s a pity about not being accepting of weed. You should show her those youtube videos of how it helps people who suffer from fits etc
Oh she knows. I even told her how it helped me specifically, and she was basically like wow that’s great never do it again. She doesn’t have a big problem with the drug itself, more that it’s not legal in any form where I live >-<
heyyy
i’m glad to be reading from you again 🙂
i was worried about you that last post…
please don’t cry 🙁
you are an important human being
your life matters so much more than you think
you’re not worthless…
if that was even close to true
why would i be writing you,
twice…
<3
Sorry to worry you Farah.
I know I’m not truly worthless, every life has value – something I’m sure you believe in very strongly based on the posts I’ve seen from you ^^
But I can’t see my existence having much more value than that basic inherent one. And frankly I’m not sure that’s enough :/
You don’t need to worry about me too much though, I made a promise years ago to stop cutting and trying to kill myself, and it’s one I intend to keep…even if some days I REALLY don’t want to ._.