I just can’t take it much longer. I’ll be 26 years old in just a few months, and I’m a complete, utter failure. There are 3 main reasons I feel this way: I’ve never had career/real job, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I don’t have a driver’s license.
I was promoted a few months ago to shift manager at my crappy fast food job. I’ve been in this job for close to 2 years (longest job in my life). I don’t feel happy about it, on the contrary, I feel ashamed. I’m ashamed that I’m doing a job for teenagers at my age. I have a certificate and currently studying on my own to prepare for a software development career, but I have a strong feeling this isn’t going to get anywhere, because simply nothing good has ever happened to me, so there’s no reason to believe it’s going to be different this time (many people I’ve met on the web during my studies did it and got into the software industry without a degree).People my age don’t usually talk about teenager jobs, they talk about careers and where theirs is headed. I’ve never ever seen a person my age (online at least) without a career. Never. It seems like I’m literally the only one in the entire world. I’m afraid I’ll hit 30 and still have no career. I’m terrified of that day. 🙁
I’ve also never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even kissed a girl. I just don’t understand why I’m alive when I can’t do the most basic thing in life which is in fact the very purpose of life. The purpose of life is to survive and reproduce, and I can’t even do that. I’m not talking about reproducing, in fact I’m not sure I ever want children. I’m talking about being close to a woman and doing all kinds of things together. It’s just never going to happen for me. My mother keeps telling me not to worry and that she’ll find a suitable woman for me to marry when I want to. But whenever she tells me this I tell her that I would live in shame all my life, knowing that I could never get a girlfriend and instead mama had to find a girl for me. It’s too lame to be such a person. In fact it might be more dignifying to die a virgin (although technically I’m not one, but I feel like one because paying for it doesn’t count). I would be ashamed to admit to other people that my mother introduced me to my wife, which is actually the only woman that’s been in my life. And don’t tell me, “Then don’t admit it,” because I don’t do things I’m hesitant to admit. On top of that, no woman is going to be attracted to me with my current shitty job and no car/no license.
Finally, the fact that I still don’t have my driver’s license is driving me crazy (no pun intended). Or rather, it’s the fact that I’ve failed to obtain it that’s driving me crazy. I’ve taken around 100 driving lessons and done 5 tests and failed every single one, so I eventually felt it isn’t going anywhere and quit. I took a lesson a few days ago after a few months of having given up to see if I feel different about it, but I felt worse. My instructor called me yesterday to ask me when I want a lesson, and I told him I’m not sure I want the license anymore. He says I’m an excellent driver (has told this also to relatives who took lessons with him), but he honestly doesn’t know why I’m constantly failing. And the worst part about this is that others think people like me shouldn’t be on the road. I’ve come across people saying things like this all over the internet on different forums. In fact those forum posts are 99% of the reason I decided to give up. They’ve completely destroyed my hope of ever having a driver’s license. Now without a driver’s license my life is going to be even worse than it is.
So, in short, my life is filled with shame and depression. I’m ashamed of all the things I’ve talked about. They are making me more and more depressed each day and I don’t know for how long this is going to go. I lost a relative a while ago to suicide, and I just don’t want to end up doing like him. I’ve seen how it devastates the people around you, and I just can’t do this to my mother, but at the same time I can’t go on living this way. I’m trying my best to change my situation but it’s the hardest thing ever when you’re depressed. Doing anything when you’re depressed is hard.
I’m sorry for the very long post, but I had a lot to say and vent.
12 comments
Yes I got 99% on my drivers test first time taking it and I have had my license taken for a year. It is very depressing to not be able to drive. I am 23. Driving is simple if you do not have ADD and can concentrate. I would be happy to work in fast food, I would be happy to work anywhere. You have to work in day and do passions on your off days. My plan was to suicide by 18. I am 23 now. I have no way to suicide and I have no job to get money to suicide. I worked in fast food at 20 they fired me after 7 months I said I would work there forever even without ever be promote (or at least for rest of my short life)
As someone who has recently experienced losing a loved one to suicide, please don’t consider suicide. I’ve seriously considered it for years and even had plans, but after my relative ended his life, I thought I can’t do this to my family. I still think about it almost on a daily basis, but it’s not something I’m seriously considering anymore. Yes, I want my life to be different and I’ll be honest that I feel like nothing is working for me and I’m extremely depressed, but I won’t end my life as long as there’s some hope things could get better. It’s incredibly depressing not to be able to drive, but that’s why there are therapists. I’m going to see one and hope they can convince me that life is livable without a driver’s license or to at least encourage me enough to retake my test, and retake it, and retake until I pass. Please hang in there. If you have a way to support yourself or your parents can help you financially, then I can say that work is not the most important thing in life. My current job is only adding to my depression, but I’m keeping it only because I need to help my mother financially as I live with her and she can’t pay for everything on her own.
It’s good to hear that you are studying. 25 isn’t that old, you can still easily get a career life if that’s what you want. For example it’s not uncommon at all to start 5 year university studies when you are 25.
But really? Imagine that your mother would indeed somehow find you an awesome woman. Would you seriously turn her away just because your mother introduced you? I can’t see how it could matter at that point but I guess everyone doesn’t think the same way.
Getting unlucky in driving tests sucks. I failed 3 times myself I think. Later I didn’t really have much use for the licence though and I haven’t driven in years now.
It’s not that I want to start college now. There’s no way I can afford the time and money for a 5 year degree right now. My hope is to have a job by next year based on the experience I’m building by doing projects with other people and studying on my own. Software or web development is a field you can get into without any degree, as long as you can show that you can do the work. It has been confirmed to me by many people with years of experience in the industry, and I see people (I’m part of a large community dedicated to this goal) on a regular basis getting software and web development positions. If they can do it, I certainly can because I seem to have a talent for these things. That’s the only aspect of my life where I have a glimpse of hope. The thing that’s depressing me is that I’m doing this at 26 (or almost 26). If I was 20 for example I wouldn’t feel bad for not having a career as I would have plenty of time. But the truth is that I feel I’m running out of time.
It’s not that I would flat out turn her away. I want someone to love so bad, but I wish I won’t have to eventually resort to this pathetic option. A guy who had to have his mother find a girl for him is more than pathetic. I’m not sure I can live with this thought and this shame. I don’t know which is better: accepting that I’ll die alone or have my mother help me and potentially save me from this fate. I’m 100% sure I would change my mind once I meet that girl provided my mother did manage to find me a suitable one, but as it stands right now, for some reason this thought is connected to feelings of shame inside my mind. I know someone who I suspected was introduced to his wife. He used to tell me that he can’t find a girl and it never works when he tries to talk to them, but then only months later he got married. My mother told me she thinks he got introduced to her by his family. I’m too embarrassed to ask him about it.
Don’t be so hard yourself, I’m almost 30 and failure 😛
The ironic thing is I don’t believe anyone is ever a failure, but at the same time believe that I’m a big failure myself.
Okay, first off, cool of you to post. Lots of good detail.
I see loads of opportunities for you. I see someone who has taken a certificate, worked damn hard to get a driver’s license, and if he keeps working that hard, will surely get it. I see someone who has just won a promotion at work, again, thanks to effort. I see someone who is employed, in a responsible position none the less, which is attractive to women. The fact that you can put bread on the table for yourself.
I also see someone who is really hard on himself. Someone who cares a lot what random strangers online think about him, no matter how nasty their opinions are. Someone who sets high standards for himself and doesn’t give himself a lot of credit.
Regarding relationships: I think it’s cool that you want to learn to build relationships with women, rather than have one arranged for you by your mother, or visiting prostitutes. Because it’s a useful skill to have, and it also means you can choose more freely which women you want to have relationships with, and it will cost you less money.
This is something you can certainly learn, and the fact that you haven’t kissed a woman or had a relationship doesn’t really matter that much. It’s like with friends: It’s never too late to make a friend.
Just like with driving, I think there is a lot of trial and error involved, however, I will recommend a really great website, as well as quite a good book (recommended on the website as well), to get you started:
thematinggrounds.com
and
“No More Mr Nice Guy” by Robert A. Glover
On the website, you can learn invaluable theory on how to build relationships with women, and it’s based both on practical experience and on science. The website is free.
In the book, you can learn how to feel better in your own skin, and it’s based on the author’s experience treating men individually and in groups.
This much I can tell you: You are FAR from the most unattractive guy in the world. Lots of guys (including me) are unemployed! Lots of guys are not just depressed, they are crazy! And so on and so on.
Regarding the driver’s license, don’t forget that self-driving cars are seriously on the horizon. Technological progress is happening at an incremental pace, which means that you and I can’t even fathom the changes we’ll see in society in the future. Apart from that, it’s just a super good sign that your instructor says you’re a good driver, and that you have practised so much! Just keep going man! I’m sure you’ll succeed if you do!
And let people online say whatever they want! That’s just their opinion, and you’re unlikely to change it. Let others think what they want about your fast food job! At least it’s a job, and you’re making a living and learning to be in charge of things.
It’s so cool you have a certificate and are studying to work in the software industry, just keep up the good work, keep doing things that interest you!
I am 33. I lost my job recently, and I live like a bit of a slob. I have struggled so much with women, and I am very aware that being an unemployed 33-year-old with no career isn’t exactly the most attractive thing you can be. But I have reached a place where I don’t mind all that much. I know I have something to offer, and I know that I am not my job or my unemployment. Of course I want to move on with my life and have a career too, but I am trying to be a lot kinder to myself about it.
And I think you should be kinder to yourself too. There is something called “self-compassion”, try googling it. The fact is that being kind to yourself will actually make you achieve more than berating yourself will.
Take care 🙂 I believe in you.
That’s my problem in life. It seems that no matter how hard I work, it almost never pays off. Soon I will stop believing that hard work indeed pays off. I mean yeah it won me a crappy promotion and a few pennies raise, but I still can’t pass my test, I still have no career… etc. On top of that, employees don’t take me too seriously because I’m too friendly to them, my self-esteem is really low (obviously someone with so many failure is going to have low self-esteem), and I’m short in stature. I’m unsuited to being in a management role and I don’t like it, but I would be crazy if I told my boss to demote me. I need those extra pennies and my position to justify doing a teenager job at my age. At least I can tell people, “I work at a pizza place, I’m a supervisor there,” which sounds a bit better than, “I work at a pizza place, making minimum wage at 26.”
Building relationships with women is a skill I’m never going to learn and can’t learn. If I was meant to learn it it would have happened when I was 15-17. I’m too shy to approach women. Most people here approach women online. I’ve tried it multiple times and got rejected every single time. I simply don’t know how to get a girlfriend. There’s no explanation, I just can’t get one. Choosing more freely is an option I’ve realized I will never have. I’m lucky if I can get one girlfriend, it would be stupid to break up with her just because I want to choose freely. I will stay with the first girl who says “yes” to me forever, can’t really risk it. I might eventually have to resort to having my mother find a girl for me if I find I’m going to lose my sanity (which is already happening to be frank). But then what? I would live my entire life knowing I’m such a loser who could never get a girlfriend on his own and was never given the chance to learn those skills. Or I could continue seeing prostitutes for the rest of my life with is an option I’m seriously considering.
I’m sorry but when I’m 40 and still have never kissed a girl, then it does really matter. It means I was supposed to kill myself long before allowing myself to get to this point. It’s only a matter of time, I will soon be 40 having never kissed a girl. I have been considering seeing an escort for a kiss for years, but still can’t gather the courage to do it. I WON’T allow myself to get past 30 having still not kissed a girl, and I don’t care if she’s an escort. I won’t be able to handle even more shame in my life. There’s simply no time to learn all those skills right now even if I had the chance. It’s too late for me. No books are going to help me. I’ve tried countless websites and videos. The only thing they helped with is make me appear like such an idiot.
I’m 26 and never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or held one’s hand. I think I can safely say I’m unattractive. I’m sorry but this is the truth.
Other people my age are a few years into their fulfilling careers, have had multiple girlfriends, and have cool cars. It’s extremely depressing looking at them and comparing myself to them. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I can’t help it. If they’re all infinitely more successful than I am, and are miles ahead of me, then there’s reason to believe there’s something horribly wrong with me as a person. Maybe I have such weak genes that I’m unsuited for life and not meant to live. That’s what I sometimes think. It’s natural selection and I’m its victim.
I’m even more depressed now after deeply thinking about those things, especially the one about girls. 🙁 I just can’t take my life anymore.
I forgot to say that there’s nothing attractive about having a crappy low-wage fast food job. I’m embarrassed every time people ask me what my job is. I always pause and hesitate for a while before answering.
Also I meant to say that if I was meant to learn relationship skills, it would have happened at 15-17, NATURALLY. I’ve never ever, ever, ever met any single guy who used websites/books/videos to learn how to form relationships. I’ve never met such a guy and doubt that I ever will. It came naturally to literally every single guy I’ve known in my life. I know people who struggle with relationships, and they have the same experience as me. No resources whatsoever were able to help me. I’m simply doomed.
Ugh… I meant to say no resources were able to help THEM, not me in my last sentence.
I’m slightly older than you and have not done any of those things.
I briefly had a job, for about three months. At a food place.
I left because I kept getting in trouble for hyperventilating in the break room.
I’ve gotten a drivers permit (which only requires you to pass the written test here)
That was what, four years ago? It’s expired and I still can’t breathe when I actually try to drive.
Never so much as held a girls hand xD; Though I certainly tried.
I’ve hooked up with men though.
Gotta have a place to sleep, you know?
It’s not that I’m afraid of driving. I like driving and my instructor things I’m a good driver, but then I fail the test and get frustrated and depressed. Either my instructor is lying to me and I’m a bad driver, or it’s something else. Driving examiners in my country are the meanest thing ever, but I’m not sure the reason I’m failing is only them.