I’ve never asked for help from SP, I’ve been more of the venting type, and looking and responding to comments people leave on my stuff, in general. But I’m asking now for what people think, perhaps even advice. I don’t know what I’m looking for in this, maybe I just need to vent all of this out at once, and have it all in one place, right here. I’m not sure…. I don’t think anyone’s words can sway my convictions or make me want to live, but I do want to hear the words anyone has on this, even if it may not help, please feel free to drop your advice in, because I do appreciate it, and I want to know what others think, and would do. Let the venting begin.
I’m 21. This stuff started when I was 19. I haven’t been at it as long as a lot of people I’ve read about on here, but it has still made me just as destructive. I began cutting a lot and wanting to die, eventually turning into me wanting to kill myself (very suicidal), and a lot of self-harming. I won’t bore you with the details of the beginnings (you can find some snippets of that from my older posts), but instead skip ahead to near-present day.
So just jumping right in, I had feelings for someone for awhile, and they kept getting stronger and stronger, and so I decided to do something about it. And I did. I told her, and we began talking. My feelings for her helped shed some light into my darkness. I fell in love with her after talking with her so much, and I told her everything, the full story of all of my self-harming, being suicidal, everything, and at the end of that story I told her that I was in love with her. Well, we fell deeply in love with each other. We started dating after that, after we had fallen in love. By this time, due to talking with her, and my feelings for her, I had somewhat gotten better, taking a little better care of myself, but when she told me that she loved me too, that is when things really got better. When we started dating, things for me improved so much. I was looking forward to every single day, even though I was still struggling a little bit with my anxiety, and with college classes, but I pulled through, with her support. Everything was absolutely perfect, she is an amazing woman, and every thing about her is amazing. We were deeply in love, and it was obvious we were so into each other. We were a very nice match. All the things I was telling her, she was telling me too. I would have spent my life with her, still would…. fuck it all I wish things hadn’t gone bad… but they did.
So we had spent a lot of time together (we also work together). About 2 months and some days later, out of nowhere, she starts pulling away from me. We were both having stressful weeks at school, espsecially me, my anxiety was extremely bad that week, but even so, nothing wrong happened between us. So anyways, I can feel her pulling away from me, and I see her putting less effort into talking with me and stuff. A few days into this, I asked what was wrong, and if she still wanted me. As soon as I asked that, things went downhill. I sometimes wonder, if I had never asked that, would we still be together? From that point, she just would not talk to me about it. I was giving her time to think things over at first, but she wasn’t coming to me at all about it. She was ignoring me. She wouldn’t talk about it with me, or let me talk about it. I had to pressure her into answering a couple questions, because she was giving me such bad anxiety from this that I couldn’t handle it. While I got her to talk a little bit, she seemed so disinterested, and I only got a little bit out of her. And then, that was it.
She has ignored me ever since. She never really broke up with me, just ignored me and left me behind there to suffer…. I still don’t really know why. If the things she was saying to me the whole time we were together were true, then what reason was there to suddenly just leave me, with very little explanation? I tried everything to get her to speak with me. She wouldn’t. I’ve told her several times that she is making me worse, making my anxiety worse, making me feel like I am a piece of trash, that I mean nothing, that I’m worthless. And that is exactly how she made me feel/is making me feel. It’s absolutely devestating, and the amount of mental abuse I’ve suffered because of this is fucking brutal. I had stopped cutting and being suicidal when I was with her. When this first happened, I tried to not go back to how I was, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began cutting a lot again, severly, and began wanting to kill myself again. Now I also work with her, and this whole time it’s like I just don’t fucking exist to her. At all. She won’t even acknowledge me in person, much less a text message. I even told her I just wanted to fix things so we can not let thing end on a bad note, she of course, ignored that too.
I have gotten so, so bad again because of her, so much more worse than I was before her. I just want to fucking kill myself, I do not want to be here anymore. I’ve tried a lot to get her to talk to me, and she just fucking won’t. She knows I was suicidal before her, she knows how I deal with bad things and anxiety (that would be cutting), and she chose this way to deal with me. By running away from it all and ignoring it, pretending it never happened, pretending like she’s fine, pretending like I don’t exist. Well, I told her I was going to kill myself, because that’s what I have decided. I told her I was going to kill myself, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I am going to kill myself, and I only wanted her to show that she cared. She didn’t say one fucking word to me. She didn’t try to stop me, she didn’t try to change my mind. I don’t know if she even cares…..
If I die, she’s going to regret this. She may be able stop me, the only person that could stop me from killing myself, is her. But she has not made any attempts to stop me, or anything like that. I don’t know if I want her to try and stop me, but showing care to someone you love, someone you wanted to spend your life with as well….. is something I would think she would do for me, but hasn’t…..
I still love her unconditionally, I always will. But I have so much anger towards her. I’ve hurt myself so much because of her, I want to kill myself because of her, I don’t want to be here anymore. And I don’t know how to fucking deal. I have decided that I am going to kill myself. Will I be able to? I don’t know. But I want to, and I will try again. She has hurt me so horribly, I thought life was going to be great, but she threw me away like a piece of trash. I was so good to her, I was everything she ever wanted, and yet she threw me away so quickly…… kill me.
I have to see her all the time at work (leaving my job is not an option, I am also a manager where I work, see another problem there?) and it drives my anxiety up a wall. I can’t take her ignoring me, especially since I must be in her presence a lot of the time. I can’t deal. I miss her so much. But seeing her instantly makes me want to kill myself because of how she’s treated and dealt with me. But I won’t leave my job. If I rage quit my job, I am spontaneously killing myself. That could happen anyways, but if I quit, that will certainly be happening. Well, a good attempt I mean. I’d probably fail…who knows. I have things almost completely ready to go, and once set in motion, I am stuck on that path to destruction, I have to make a try and either die trying or fail and be hospitalized or something like that. I am thinking it through to perfection, I don’t want to miss anything or be stupid, if I’m going, I’m going right, and my way. However, everyday is a fucking struggle, because I just want to drive my car into a wall, or just like stab my wrist or something. I could snap and just….be gone, without preparations. It’s a fucking train wreck…..i’m a damn train wreck…
This isn’t everything in full detail, but it’s definitely the bulk of my problems. She is an amazing woman and I want nothing more than to be with her. But there was absolutely no reason to treat me like such utter trash…..that has killed me, over, and over, and over again. She has shown absolutely zero care towards me, and this also, destroys me. This isn’t some simple “heartbreak” bullshit. This will be the death of me. I will not take living like this any more. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to keep hurting myself, I don’t want to live feeling like a worthless piece of shit.
That’s my story that brought me back here…..
~Oathkeeper
33 comments
Email me. I’m in a very very similarl situation.
Funny123 @ protonmail . com
Imagine for a moment that you’re a girl and you meet a guy who seems nice and you starting dating. Then he revealings that he’s suicidal and has a lot of anxiety. How would you feel about this person?
Then he starts trying to manipulate you into seeing him, says he’ll kill himself, can’t live without you, etc. What would you do in her situation? (or if that’s too hard, then imagine meeting a suicidal girl who said all the things you did in your post)
You need to be able to see how you come across to others? I’m going to be a little blunt so don’t take it too personally, but ask yourself would you rather date someone who is depressed, suicidal, obsessive, needy or would you prefer to date someone that is confident, happy, easy-going, doesn’t lay their problems on you and is respectful of your wishes?
When I was in high school, I was very depressed, suicidal and very insecure. However I was still interested in dating ofc. One time I tried to flirt with this pretty girl (she was already known for being a bit bitchy) and she shot me down hard she said something like “why are you trying to talk to me? I’m not interested.”
I was angry and very hurt, but then I began to see myself how others saw me. Then I realized what a fool I had been. It took me a while to figure it out. So I didn’t mean to sound harsh but it’s the truth (what I said above). After that I realized that I needed to get confident above all, get in shape (I was skinny then) and just make myself a better catch.
In your case, you have a similar hole to climb out of. You are not ready for the emotional ups and downs that come with being in a relationship. It’s best to work on yourself, get stronger mentally, emotionally, physically, etc and then you’ll be ready to date someone.
On the one hand you talk about having a long term relationship with someone, on the other you feel suicidal and start cutting because things become too stressful for you. So a girl would look and that and say I can’t build a lasting relationship with a man who can’t handle stress and is likely to be dependent on her or kill himself at some point. Makes sense right?
And remember I’m not standing above you, judging you, I was in the trenches myself and made some bad mistakes but I learned and got better. So I hope that helps-always think about how you appear to others and then you’ll understand what you need to change.
One time a girl was talking to someone else about me and referred to me as “that guy”…that was unusual for me because I was surrounded by friends/family people who knew me….so I realized I’m just an ‘other’ for people I see as ‘others’ also.
I’d advise reading psychology books as well. If you want to keep living and have relationships, then I’d recommend working on yourself first, like I did and then you will find someone who’ll be happy to be with you.
Okay first of all…what kind of person do you take me for? Because none of that shit ever happened. She knew going into it the things I’ve been through, I told her everything beforehand, and started dating a little after that. I need to see how I come accross to others? You are going too far into reading me, you don’t know the things I’ve done but I can assure you, it’s none of those things. I don’t lay my problems on people, I don’t manipulate people, especially her. And I did always respect her wishes. Also, I said this in my post, I got better beforehand, and got fully better while together with her, besides some anxiety from school. I am not ready for the emotional ups and downs in a relationship? That is something you can’t judge, I was fine, and more than ready. There were no emotional downs, she never gave the chance for that, she just destroyed me for whatever reason and forced me back feeling worse than I ever did. I don’t mean to be rude but, did you even read what I was saying?
[Okay first of all…what kind of person do you take me for? Because none of that shit ever happened.] -Oathkeeper
How am I supposed to “take you”? I’m going by the words in your post. While there are some bad people out there giving bad advice, I believe most people including myself are well-intentioned and try to be helpful-I even gave you examples of myself when I wasn’t doing so well either.
You need some humility and to learn to listen to someone who’s older and wiser giving you the benefit of their wisdom and their time. I’m showing you a way out of your predicament and you’re talking to me like I’m crazy for even suggesting there might be some things you need to change or work on. Where did I get my ideas from? Out of thin air or reading your post? Let me spell it out for you:
[ you don’t know the things I’ve done but I can assure you, it’s none of those things. I don’t lay my problems on people, I don’t manipulate people, especially her. ]
You don’t lay your problems on people?
>>” I told her I was going to kill myself, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I am going to kill myself, and I only wanted her to show that she cared. “<>”If I die, she’s going to regret this”<>”I tried everything to get her to speak with me. She wouldn’t. I’ve told her several times that she is making me worse, making my anxiety worse, making me feel like I am a piece of trash, that I mean nothing, that I’m worthless.”<>”I’ve tried a lot to get her to talk to me, and she just fucking won’t.”<>”I told her I was going to kill myself, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I am going to kill myself, and I only wanted her to show that she cared. “<>”If I die, she’s going to regret this”<>”I still love her unconditionally, I always will. But I have so much anger towards her.”<>” I miss her so much. But seeing her instantly makes me want to kill myself because of how she’s treated and dealt with me.”<>” I just want to drive my car into a wall, or just like stab my wrist or something. I could snap and just….be gone, without preparations. It’s a fucking train wreck…..i’m a damn train wreck…”<<
you 'instantly wanted to kill yourself upon seeing her. Drive your car into a wall, "snap", stab your wrists….you even call yourself a "train wreck"
but I can't judge that, you're "fine"….ya dude, you're totally 'fine.'
It's getting absurd at this point.
—–
[I don’t mean to be rude but, did you even read what I was saying?]-Oathkeeper
No the real question is 'did you even read what you wrote?'
You ask for advice, then turn on people if they're not telling you what you want to hear or stroke your ego. Good luck kid, I can see why she avoids you, you did it to yourself and you don't want to learn or listen. Not to worry you won't get any advice from me again.
SP screwed up my post above due to the symbols I used, so I’m reposting the part that was cut out in error. Hopefully it’ll post properly this time:
You don’t lay your problems on people?
-” I told her I was going to kill myself, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I am going to kill myself, and I only wanted her to show that she cared. ”
-“If I die, she’s going to regret this”
You don’t manipulate people?
-“I tried everything to get her to speak with me. She wouldn’t. I’ve told her several times that she is making me worse, making my anxiety worse, making me feel like I am a piece of trash, that I mean nothing, that I’m worthless.”
-“I’ve tried a lot to get her to talk to me, and she just fucking won’t.”
-“I told her I was going to kill myself, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I am going to kill myself, and I only wanted her to show that she cared. ”
-“If I die, she’s going to regret this”
-“I still love her unconditionally, I always will. But I have so much anger towards her.”
Trying everything to get her to speak to you is manipulation, including telling her that you’re going to kill yourself and trying to make her feel guilty (regret) over your death.
———
[I am not ready for the emotional ups and downs in a relationship? That is something you can’t judge, I was fine, and more than ready.] -Oathkeeper
-” I miss her so much. But seeing her instantly makes me want to kill myself because of how she’s treated and dealt with me.”
-” I just want to drive my car into a wall, or just like stab my wrist or something. I could snap and just….be gone, without preparations. It’s a fucking train wreck…..i’m a damn train wreck…”
you ‘instantly wanted to kill yourself upon seeing her. Drive your car into a wall, “snap”, stab your wrists….you even call yourself a “train wreck”
but I can’t judge that, you’re “fine”….ya dude, you’re totally ‘fine.’
It’s getting absurd at this point.
—–
[I don’t mean to be rude but, did you even read what I was saying?]-Oathkeeper
No the real question is ‘did you even read what you wrote?’
You ask for advice, then turn on people if they’re not telling you what you want to hear or stroke your ego. Good luck kid, I can see why she avoids
you, you did it to yourself and you don’t want to learn or listen. Not to worry you won’t get any advice from me again.
Why don’t you read what you wrote, versus what other people wrote? You are the only one that twisted MY words, you don’t need to be an asshole. You don’t know anything of the situation, or any context in which things were ever said. You read my stuff and go straight into me being a terrible person? Yeah cause I come on here and lie, I already want to die, what reason is there to not tell the truth here? We don’t need assholes like you on here.
Oathkeeper, maybe its me is laying something that happened to them onto you…I don’t know. I’d **try** not to take it personally.
It’s fine, I will leave it at this for now. But I will defend myself, nobody gets to come in like that and make up whatever bullshit they can twist my words into. Thank you
-he reveals…
Excuse the typos, forgot to proof-read
“Then he starts trying to manipulate you into seeing him, says he’ll kill himself, can’t live without you,”…Maybe I missed something here, and I’m sorry if I did. And I see your point. But are you not going to be honest in order to keep a relationship?
Well threatening to kill yourself, blaming the other person for one’s own anxiety isn’t honesty, it is coercion, guilt-tripping-I could use stronger words but some sensitive Sally’s here might get triggered.
Also just because someone is being honest, does that now obligate the other person to keep seeing you? So if you confess to your lover you have STDs or were cheating on them, they should throw themselves in your arms?
But the OP went beyond honesty as I cover in detail above-which he’s pushed me to do because he apparently doesn’t recall saying the words he said in his original post.
OK. This is one of this times I really need to walk away from a conversation…
Hey look me again, you know, I did write out my own post. Why are you being like this? I didn’t “threaten” anything, once again you know exactly zero context into how things were ever said. You are clearly wrong, and do you maybe want to STOP twisting my own words? I know their meanings and how things happened, you, however, do not.
@Photography,
Lol I agree-I should’ve done the same. I think sometimes it’s best to leave people in their misery, because when you try to help them, they lash out at you.
@Oathkeeper
No of course you never said what you said and if you did, people are “twisting your words” even though they directly quoted you.
Why? Because you’re a perfect little snowflake that doesn’t make mistakes. We’re the problem right, everyone else is an “asshole” (as you called me) but not you of course.
I felt sorry for you before, I tried to be helpful, but now I see you’re getting what you deserve. There’s a song I’ll recommend for you, “Suffer Well” by Depeche Mode, it’s fitting.
No I think you’re just an asshole and should probably stop responding now, perhaps be a bit nicer to people? I dunno. You do you, but get your head out of your ass first. Sincerely, me.
You’re a POS kid, no wonder you cut and hate yourself, if I were you’d I’d hate myself too. Thank god I’m not. Seems you’ve blocked me from posting here, no surprise-you’re a fascist also that doesn’t believe in freedom of speech. I worry for any girl who’d be dumb enough to date you.
I’ll retract that fascist part, SP prevented my other post from appearing despite the fact I used no swear words unlike you. I could easily sink to your level but it’s not necessary because you are living in your own self-created hell-hole and I find that vindicating.
Communication is the hallmark of any relationship. If itsme is right (and it is entirely possible, TBH…I have no clue), then she should have at least broken up with you and told you why. But maybe she was afraid of setting you off somehow, which she did anyway. But the problem is there is only one person who knows the real reason: her.
It sounds like the relationship is over. The only question is: would knowing the reason help you moving forward? If so, I think maybe you can talk to her, maybe over coffee if she’s agreeable, with the position that you know the relationship is over, you just want to know what happened. Recognize this is an awkward position for her, too, I’m guessing.
** Just thought of this: you said you’re a manager? Is she in the same department? Is she your subordinate there? Also…maybe she thinks or was told this “looks” bad (many companies frown upon dating co-workers in the same work department) especially if she is ambitious or career-oriented.
I’ve tried everything to see her/talk to her, she only ignores me and treats me like I don’t exist. Yes I do want to know why, because at this point the only conclusion I can come up with is everything was all a lie and I refuse to believe that, she really did love me as much as I did her. And yes, it’s not a career or anything like that, it’s a place where people mostly work part time while in school, and I somehow got made a manager early on. To the last part, it has nothing to do with that.
Yes communication is important, and she should have but chose not to… hence, I fell faster and faster. She doesn’t seem to care much. I hate everything…..
I’m really sorry for you, this is really some hardship. So if I got it right, she completely refuses to talk to you, so you wouldn’t be able to tell her that you just want to understand her decision and not trying to win her back in some way?
That’s mostly right, except that she should know that I want to know why, because I’ve sent plenty of messages over the last 4 months, which I know she reads them, she just….completely ignores them, and it’s killing me. She doesn’t have long, I’ll be gone soon, hopefully.
Well, that is harsh. The only thing I can think of would be that you may stop trying to get in contact with her as well, giving her “a little space”. There could be the possibility she just can’t tell you and if she is giving a little rest, she may be able to approach you. After all, she could be scared that you won’t be able to live with that reason. (That’s just speculation though.)
And please don’t say that. Please consider if you really want to throw away your life because of this person. You don’t deserve to end up in such a way.
Yeah, I haven’t been. It’s been about 4 months since shes been ignoring me. It’s been a long time….if there was something she was going to say, you would think she would have said it already.. I just want to know why, I NEED closure. And i’ve told her that, but it doesn’t matter what I say….. it’s just over for me..
I feel you. But you probably will never know.
…If you need someone to talk to, for whatever reason it is, feel always free to contact me (My Google Mail is the same as my username). Don’t let yourself down, try to find an activity you’re passionate about, so you may stand on a new, more solid ground.
This situation really sucks. I’m sorry. I don’t see where you have any control over the situation, however. I do agree with you; it sounds like what you had was real. Buy yourself a punching bag and beat the living snot out of it.
Hahaha, I could certainly use one. I have a lot of anger, sadness, et cetera about this, but I would never hurt anyone intentionally, especially her. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her. As immature as it sounds, I end up slamming things around, but that’s better than breaking down and crying or self harming in front of people. It’s also a general indicator for people to not mess with me, which works in its own way. I’ve been a manager for most of my time there, and recently I’ve been a lot more involved, it gets tiring babysitting…..
I’m just speculating, but it sounds like you might have been in a relationship with someone who has a dismissive avoidant attachment type. If you know anything about her past relationships, it may give you some peace of mind to look into them, especially if you find you’re part of a pattern and not being treated badly for a special reason.
I have this attachment type (why I’m not dating tbh) and the horrible thing about it is there can be nothing wrong with a relationship (in fact the better it is the more peril it’s in) but the longer it goes on and the more intimacy is shared the more the dismissive avoidant comes to feel their independence is being infringed upon, and the more disinterested they become in their partner. Rather than discussing their problems and fears, they will unconsciously begin distancing themselves from their partner, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where the shut out partner will begin looking “clingy” to the dismissive avoidant whenever they try to reestablish intimacy. The dismissive avoidant will often become more and more distant until the relationship is terminated. It’s the worst kind of person to have a relationship with if you have problems with depression or anxiety, or if you have a high need for emotional intimacy.
Regardless, I’m sorry for everything you went through. I wish you best of luck in the future and hope you end up finding some closure with what happened.
That sounds either correct, or very similar, thank you for that….it still doesn’t make what she did right, she knows everything about me and still has shown no care. That isn’t okay….I’m not screaming for attention, but you would think that if you loved someone, you would not want them to kill themselves.
You’re absolutely right. She probably feels threatened by the idea of reaching out to you, and as cold and irrational and terrible as it is, I wouldn’t count on her ever reaching out to help you, even though her feelings were real when you were together. If she had any inkling this would happen, she shouldn’t have involved herself in the first place.
The good thing is that I think you would do wonderfully in relationships in the future, should you choose to have them. It’s important not to blame yourself when someone else sabotages their bonds with you.
I don’t mean to be harsh either, but I have to agree with itsme on this one.
E.g. when you say you’ve texted her multiple times over the past months with no reply.
DUDE!!!
That is your cue to STOP TEXTING her.
I know it hurts like hell, I have been there myself. But people have a right to reject you, and they have no duty whatsoever to give you a reason. Of course it’s 100 x kinder to give a reason and to reject someone gently. But you can’t demand it of people.
And you ESPECIALLY can’t demand it of women, who a) deal with a lot more requests for their attention from guys than you or I will ever be able to fathom, and b) have legit reasons to fear for their safety when they reject guys, especially if the guy in question has e.g. threatened suicide, like you have.
Again, I KNOW it hurts a ton, but if you get your behaviour here under control, you can be so much happier and more successful in relationships.
I’d recommend you visit this website to get an idea of how to stop these kinds of things from “happening to you”:
thematinggrounds.com
Take care
This isn’t happening as we speak, it’s over and done with. I HAVE stopped. Started 4 months ago, now I’m venting about it.
Kudos man. Well done.
Okay, so I just read a little closer, and two things jump out at me:
a) You put this woman on a pedestal
b) You’re acting kinda controlling. It’s as if you want her to justify breaking up with you (or, you know, ignoring you). You talk about how good the two of you were together and how into you she was, but evidently, she is NOT into you anymore. Sorry, but you need a dose of cold, hard truth, because my guess as to why she is treating you like this is that she tried to send you some subtle signals and you missed them, like a lot of us guys do.
Finally, she is not responsible for your feelings. You attribute your feelings to her, but that is your choice. You blame her for how you feel, when actually, you were already miserable when you met her. And there are things you could do to move on.
I really, really, really don’t want you to kill yourself. I want you to decouple yourself from this person and realise that you are you, and you can be okay. This person does not have to bring you down. You can choose to let go of them, choose to see them as a coworker once again.
Most importantly, you can be happy. And that starts with taking responsibility for how you react to what happens to you.
You can’t control whether others reject you, and it’s a waste of your precious energy to try. You can’t keep people in your life by seeking their sympathy and telling them you want to kill yourself. As itsme said, that is not love, that is manipulation.
You are a wounded soul, and you need to learn to communicate your needs clearly, rather than using manipulation.
I can relate a lot, because I’m learning this myself.
Another resource to check out is the book “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Robert A. Glover.
Again, take care, and good luck!