Don’t Want to be Here….

Hi Oathkeeper, I think first you need to organize your thoughts. Decide what is a priority and what isn’t. Also what barriers you put up in front of yourself which prevent you from being where you want to be.

I used to be highly driven at one point in my life. I competed with others, wanted to get ahead. Then I was hit with depression and it all came to a stop for me.

I also didn’t want to live anymore at the time, stopped caring about my grades, I did very poorly in the first year university. Eventually I decided that I wanted to get my education and a decent career, so I busted my ass to complete my degree and tried to find work in my field.

I can see that you’ve trapped yourself in your own thinking. I also used to believe I wasted a lot of time and could’ve been further ahead in life. However you must deal with the here and now and your own unique situation. Not everyone can become a CEO or a neurosurgeon. Focus on goals that you know you can achieve and work towards them.

I realize some people have an intense desire and compulsion to cut/mutilate their body. But you need to step back and think seriously about what you’re doing. If you injure yourself, you will be reliant on others to take care of you for even the most basic tasks. Even trying to end your life would become nearly impossible if you lose the function of your arms (unless you jump off a cliff or something).

Find better ways to cope with your pain and anxiety that you feel. You can exercise, play video games, go for a walk, many options available.

I’m in my mid 40s now and I would say that my social life had really suffered because I was very career-oriented. I feel that I missed out on a lot. But looking at it another way, I was working towards a goal which allows me to live a better quality of life than if I just stuck with a 9-5 job, where I’d feel like a slave or prisoner.

The path I chose gives me a great deal of freedom and I’m in a career now that many would consider to be a privileged position. Once I reach a certain ‘level’ then I’ll enjoy my life in a way I could’ve only dreamed of when I was younger…so in that sense my time was not wasted at all. Everything I did in my past lead me to this point today.

What it boils down to is will power, determination, being goal-oriented and putting aside all your fears, emotions, etc to focus on improving your life-however you choose to define it.

I see it as a binary decision, go or stop. If you decide to keep living then don’t bounce along the bottom because you’ll just stay unhappy and miserable for the rest of your life. Actually work hard at getting somewhere. If you don’t want to live anymore that’s fine also-your decision.

A few times in my life I also really wanted to die, but since I realized I wasn’t going to kill myself, I decided to move forward in life and I’m very glad that I did. I was in a very bad way and I’m glad I didn’t stay stuck in that mindset. Like you it too me an extra year to graduate but so what? In the grand scheme of things, it’s irrelevant and trivial. Focus on what really matters in life.