I have abstained from cutting myself…. it’s been 21 days since the last time, but I don’t feel better at all, I feel the lowest I ever have, and it’s extremely hard to not just take a knife and slice that shit up, ’cause dammit I want to….. but I also don’t…….but I do. I am broken, I need to show that pain on the outside, get out the anxiety and anger and frustrations and sadness out…..I have nothing to vent into, really want to pick up a knife. You could say “get a hobby”, well I do stuff, mostly. But whatever I do my problems are still right there with me, I can’t really truly get lost in what I’m doing anymore.
I have a half-assed plan to die, not that I would really call it “plan” I have nothing in the works really…. just a fantasy, a dream, a daydream, a wish that I will soon end it all, because I am beyond done living like this….. I’ve got some things to finish first I guess… but I feel like I’m so half-assing this because I know I’ll just fail again…..wish it were easier to end your own life, because it takes a shit ton of courage to make a real attempt at it, and fight through your body panicking and its natural instincts to survive, that is an absolute *****, and it freaks you the hell out…. *sigh*… I remember the last time, I wish it would have worked…. things got so much better a couple months after I tried, but not for very long….and now I’m here and worse than I was, thank you my love for destroying me unnecessarily….
Maybe I’ll fail and end up in the hospital, maybe that’s what I need to make things click…… if only you would care, show it, tell me not to kill myself, why didn’t you try to change my mind….. my mind is made up. I don’t want to be here anymore that is for sure. When, I don’t know. Soon I know that.
I have people that care for me, but I just don’t care. It’s not their care I want or need. It’s not her… does that make me….a bad person?… I don’t know…
~Oathkeeper
1 comment
It’s good to hear that you’ve gone 21 days without cutting. Is it weird for me to say that I’m proud of you? Just want to make sure you know that’s a really great accomplishment. I recently started back up doing it. I guess it somewhat makes you feel better and you have to expect that it might be harder without it , but maybe as time passes , that craving won’t be so intense… I wish you luck with finding something to keep your mind off of it.
I’m mostly afraid of failing at my attempt, but then again maybe it will put me in a place that I feel I can’t get to any other way.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting a certain person in your life to care . Also, I could be wrong but I feel like you do care that they care and you want it deep down inside, but it’s hard to see that when that one person isn’t giving you what you want/need.