I dunno

I have so much to say, so much to think about, but I feel like I can’t find a part of humanity that will understand my way of thinking. In this world people care so much about things I find uninteresting. Maybe that is just an example of everyone being different, sure; however, I desperately need an ear like my own to listen to me. I am only eight-teen but my severe life-long depression and anxiety has stayed by my side like a shadow filled with pollution. I wanna die, but that would break a promise. But I wanna die still. That promise is my life-line. But I still really wanna die. I feel useless and ignorant to reality because I shoved away opportunities like a picky child. College, romance, goals, careers, it all feels so distant and impossible to me. I breezed through highschool with a whirlwind of regret and missed chances. Being from a poor family, money couldn’t save me from not having internet to turn in assignments and related things. Sure, I went to the library and tried to qwell my overwhelmed state, but I didn’t have ready access to transportation. I’m rambling, probably not making any sense, but later I will fully go into depth of my story. This made me feel better. But why do I want to give up so badly? Because I feel like a failure. Maybe I am being dramatic. But I feel like such a failure. I want to succeed but I squashed all my best opportunities. I can’t give up, right now it feels like life is my biggest opportunity. I gotta keep going. But I want to die. Understand my misunderstood mind, please.