I’ve been seriously considering it for the past few weeks, and in the last few days it’s gotten really bad that I started planning how and where I’m going to do it. I’m losing what little hope I had. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of being alone with myself. I feel like a little kid, when I can’t wait for my mother to get back home, but I’m almost 26!
I just want my life to change, but ending it altogether is so tempting and an easier option, because I’ve been trying to change my life for so long with no avail. I won’t have to worry about anything anymore. I’m scared I’ll get to the point where I’ll lose control of myself and do it. I used to worry about the pain but I don’t care anymore. I’ve been fantasizing a lot and thinking where I can get a good rope and what would be a good place so nobody finds me until it’s too late. I don’t want to get hospitalized, so I lied to my psychiatrist and told her I don’t have such thoughts.
What should I do? I can’t even be alone by myself anymore. 🙁
8 comments
I’m in a similar situation. It’s strange to read because I could have written it myself.
To think there are others in the same situation, that spend their day thinking how to end everything… It’s terrible! I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. It really is hell.
At the same time, there is a sense of relief… To know you can exit.
Just today I was planning on buying a rope to hang myself, but when I got to the store it had closed.
It’s good you feel safe with your mother at least.
Agree, it’s a living hell. Thinking/breathing/feeling it all the time. It’s as though I’ve absorbed my intention into the very core of my soul/being. It sits there quietly at times, wanting to scream out at other times.
I don’t know if ending your own life is an easy option. Thinking about it easy. Maybe the desire will pass for you OP? If you can avoid being alone, this may distract you and help some.
Plan, plan, plan, plan. You have to. I always get sketched out while going places cause even when I don’t say anything freaks will report me for getting the most harmless items. I’m like I don’t know you, you’re not a fortune teller, you don’t fucking know me. All I did was purchase an item I haven’t harmed anyone. Then I end up in jail for purchasing a pocket knife. I almost feel if the people in your town are sketchy trash then you might have to order online. Or go out of town to buy.
In case of getting found out.
Yeah the only thing there is to do is lie to your psychiatrist. They really don’t help, The only things I say to these ****** psychiatrists are lies.
They just insult you behind your back and prescribe you pills that mess you up more. I lie to every psychiatrist because they aren’t good people. I’m not one of those freaks that think a psychiatrist is a good thing to have. Frankly, the have fucked up my life. I’m worse for ever having met them.
I’m planning to jump off a cliff but I cannot get to the cliff at the moment. I have been planning since October of 2016. The day before I was going to drive to the cliff I was given DUI license suspension for a year, stupid ******, a not bright at all cop gave it to me so he could feel a sense of control. For his stupid bald testosterone clouded head.
Uh I just can’t believe I was given DUI suspension for a year, I even testified in court that I wasn’t driving. I was pulled over on side of road and my car could not be started. I also had not cracked open the bottle till I was sitting there unable to move trying to warm up while waiting for rescue on a cold night for late in night.
I was sitting there for maybe 45 minutes drinking. Then I was tested immediately after. I did not expect someone to be following me, watching me.
Then I started having to walk everywhere.
I have been cornered by sexual assaulters, chased by a Mexican, verbally harassed on the streets, walk through fields of heroin needles.
Just crazy it was the day I was finally going to end my life. But it’s a good thing because I found a closer cliff. It was a bridge about 3 hours away. This one is only a 30 minute drive. I need a ride there maybe I will take a cab, must escape this psychotic life.
I just hope my body isn’t found 😉
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one lieing to psychiatrists. I have a long history of no longer trusting doctors or therapists. I’ve been hospitalized at least 4 times in my life to know for sure I never want to go back. It would be nice if we could trust our doctors and feel like our confidentiality won’t be used against us.
What helps when I get out of control feeling I lay in bed and wait for the feelings to pass, usually takes me a couple hours but I notice I don’t feel overwhelmed as much afterwards and then I distract myself with coloring or reading. Or if I’m in public and can’t lay down I always wear a rubber band on my wrist and I snap it until I regain control of myself. Just some of the coping strategies I took from my hospitalizations.
Yeah, I cut off contact with my psychologist and her stupid psychiatrist team. They only made me life so much worse. I just tell them everything is okay, while planning my suicide.
I lie to my doctor/psych/family/friends all the time. It’s like I have a filthy secret that only I’m allowed to know