Pressing forward; not up

I spent 3 weeks on a psychiatric ward last winter and it destroyed me and my pride and all these people were deteriorating around me.  My family would visit me and it was so hard and scary.  There was no place of God there and I was not impressed with humanity anymore.  I read the bible and I prayed and prayed.  I walked through my own hell placing my trust in God’s promises and I survived and God did all these nice things for me that I didn’t even deserve.  Jesus still loves you even at your worst.  He transformed my soul and fortified and renewed my mind, lifted me up out of resentment and shame, he healed my heart, granted me graces and showed me great wonders. One time He was filling my mind with all these abstract concepts to do with His kingdom and the death of his son and it was so mighty and overwhelming I thought I was going to pass out!  I wanted to tell people walking by but I had no words and they would have just assumed I was crazy.  He helped me understand the bible and how to apply it to my life!  I got ridiculed a lot for believing so much, but what I gained through a relationship with God was far superior to anything else I ever got from this world.  I wish everyone could know the joy and the hope that I feel from trusting in and knowing my personal Lord and saviour.  He is alive and real and overcame the whole world!  And no matter what happens that will stay with me.  At the end of high school the universe seemed to suddenly rise up against me and I made the mistake of growing bitter towards God and I turned my heart away from him and just wanted to erase myself.  That was the worst decision of my life!  Cling to God, take the good with the bad, walk the narrow, lonely path, you will receive your reward in time, God will not abandon you in the end, have patience, suspend your disbelief and your human reason and let God build your character.  If you break apart, God can heal you! It’s all worth it in the end, everything has its purpose!  What great mercy my heavenly father has extended to me!  As sure as the sun is in the sky, God is up in heaven preparing a place for those who serve Him.  He took all the wrongs I ever did and he used them for his greater glory.  Glory to God in the highest!!!! What great joy and what great fear and so many tears.  I never thought life would be so hard or that I would have so much pain.  Never give up on God, he will strengthen you!  When you are weak you are strong.  I am nothing without God.  I have a healthy desire for death, but while I’m here I will be serving my good shepherd who I am not worthy of! I can’t believe I haven’t had a heart attack yet! Pray, repent, forgive, repeat and remind God of his promises and no weapon formed against you or any amount of spiritual warfare shall prosper.  Every second of the day I am just thanking my heavenly Father and praying for mercy because I make so many unwise choices.  I now wear a rosary everywhere I go in the off chance that someone will be inspired to pray, because if I’ve learned anything this year it’s that God loves it when people pray and the power of prayer is just so incredible.  My family now eats dinner together and sometimes we even pray before we eat and I did not initiate that at all I’m not sure how it happened.  Reach out for the things you can’t see and stay humble.  God wants to use people’s lives to glorify himself.  The sooner you give up your own selfish desires and dreams and learn how to submit to the will of God, the more he can give you and work through you to reach people.  God must come first in everything that I do.  He will not be thwarted!  The victory is for Him.  I am the daughter in this parable.

The Faith of the Canaanite Woman (Mark 7:24-30)

21Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22And a Canaanite woman from that region came to Him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is miserably possessed by a demon.”

23But Jesus did not answer a word. So His disciples came and urged Him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

24He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.”

25The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.

26But Jesus replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

27“Yes, Lord,” she said, “even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

28“O woman,” Jesus answered, “your faith is great! Let it be done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.