After getting accepted to the Uni’ (a really good world known one), I have finished my first semester with an average grades of 75.
75 means – No jobs as a student, hard time finding job once I’m out, and other shitty stuff.
But what is worst is the fact that I went back home. I went back to the nothing I have. To the environment where I have to work a lot while my…. UsedToBe Friends, got their parents as financial backup.
I feel just the way I felt as a 4th grader – Isolated, powerless, incompetent.
My spirit as a fighter died, I feel alone, I feel like a freaking loser. I seriously did my best to get so far. I have lost friendships, lost love, gave up opportunities to be a teenager, I have grown up to be a man at early years, so I could have had supported my family. All of this just so I could wake up an August 2017, look up at the mirror and see “that average guy” again?
For me it seems like everyone has a good reflection in their own ways, but I have none. I see a person who hides the weights of his problems. I see myself as the same old 4th grader caring the future of his family at the age of 20 y.o only. When his “friends” don’t understand it, and nobody really knows what is up my head.
You know dear readers? I had dreams. I wanted to skate just like tonny hawk. I wanted to travel the world on my own. Even further, I wanted to create an ACTIVE organization in my country to support children who had nothing, just like I had. and I wanted to make this organization with the money I will make with hard work.
Right now I can’t afford nothing, and will probably, after I get off this computer, I’m going to keep living my boring tough and average life. Won’t jump, won’t suicide, won’t drink… I would just go to sleep feeling soulless, keeping my commitment on “not giving up”.
In a way, I wished I was suicidal, I wish I was happy, I wish I was sad…. But none, I’m just that average guy. I’m just a dead man inside a shell of a 20y.o man, who keeps carrying every piece of shit he can, and believe that in a few years he will graduate and be one of the top engineers in the whole word. Do you see it happening? I see it happening. But reality does not.
I guess I am scared a little….would love to hear from you guys, how did you manage to keep up? how did you manage to stand on your feet after you have fallen down?
anyhow, hope you have a nice day, week, year….
12 comments
Thank-you for sharing your personal story. I feel the same way too expect I’m below average. I had dreams of doing something with my life, but it didn’t work. Four years until I’m 30. It goes by really fast. Hang in there, there are resources to help you out if you seek them. Wish I was more help.
You really helped mate, thank you, I will not stop untill my problems will die (I like thinking about them as persons, and managing my anger toward them haha… yup I’ve lost my sanity..)
What about you? so you are 26? what did happen in your way? if you don’t mind telling me, I would love to hear from you
It’s your first semester, there’s time to bring up your grades. Even showing an improvement over the years looks good, You’re not even a quarter through your college experience. 75 isn’t bad for your first semester, typically the entire freshman year is considered an “adjustment period”.
But otherwise I understand a lot of what you said, as I have gone through it myself. I’m also 20 and at college.
Dream big, work for what you want.
I’m five years, this stuff won’t matter that much. Fill it with things that make you happy
You are totally right! thanks.
It’s just that, I think I’m no less than those who gets 85-90+. I really have put a lot of effort into this and have not got where I wanted. Even further, not arrogantly speaking, but I really think I have the intelligent required to achieve perfect scores and make up great projects (which is needed in semester 5-6). I wish I could blame something, as if my financial status, the things I have to take care of, or the whole horrible life experience I have had so far… but inf-fact those aren’t matters. When I’ll be 30, 35, or even 40, my feelings of these current days, won’t be there in the future.
I guess I just have to come up stronger. I have fallen, and I need to keep up fighting.
I hesitated on posting this because I’m just telling my story when I should be listening to yours, but I decided to send it anyway (if you even see this by now) because hopefully it will inspire you, being I am also 20 years old and in college.
My parents pushed me hard to do well when I was younger. I’d work so hard only to be average, that same 85-90 range (at best). My mom used to say that not everyone is born super smart, that she envied those people who barely try and do better than you. Even in college; it was an adjustment and it was hard. Again, I was doing just average as I took all my general education classes. Once i decided to be a psychology major, I realized I really enjoyed all of the classes, I was genuinely interested. That gave me confidence in my understanding so naturally I wanted to do well, and figured out I could excel. My second semester as a psych major began my streak of a 4.0 GPA, which has been the case the following three semesters, and hopefully continues in my last two semesters. But boy did I work for it. I read the textbook and cross reference my notes and make study guides, because all of that organizing helps me study, as well as writing/typing it out. It’s how I learn. This past semesters I just finished taking a neurobiology course that killed me. It was a high level bio class, and I was one of the only psych majors in it. I had to actually record my professors lectures so I could listen to them later, because she went to fast for me a lot of the time since most students were upper class bio majors. I spent 6 hours on this class alone for every single lecture, which we had two a week. I have never hated and loved a class so much in my life, but after many many nights of crying and panic attacks, you name it, I earned that A. Granted my professor would have rounded me to an A since I was so close and because she knew how hard I was trying. But I needed an 87 on my final and I got a 91. I have never felt so proud in my life, blindly going into a course like that. When I took all my chemistries, bios, and other sciences I’ve always earned B’s and no better in those, so the fact I got an A really meant a lot to me. Although I’m not positive what direction I am going to choose in graduate school as of now, I know I want to follow a neuroscience tract. I still have to decide if I am going to take organic chemistry and calculus (hard classes I’m a bit scared to take), but if I want to get into a true neuroscience program I will have to try, and if not, I can always follow a neuropsychology tract.
I hope this inspires you and you don’t take it as me just going on and on about myself. As average as you may feel, you should try your best anyways, because even if you don’t live up to the expectations YOU want, there’s nothing better than trying your best. Not everyone is going to be great at everything. I learned in cognitive psychology that “experts” are only experts in their field via experience and they are actually no better than the average person outside of their field. You are not going to excel in everything you want and that is okay. Try your best, hopefully cross paths into something you truly love and it will fall into place.
Expectations always lead to disappointments
I expect nothing of myself and any opportunity that arrives I take as a miracle
I used to be like this, but it got me nowhere. It left me in deep blindness and mist. I felt passive.
Like I just can’t manage the control buttons of my life. After my second traumatizing incident I have sobered up.
Although I can’t deny, I still do act in that way in relationships (romance), I expect nothing, and any opportunity that arrives I take as a miracle. (I’m good looking, smart, socially, but don’t have money, time, power, life…..etc….)
Wow, I’m so happy to hear that! thanks for sharing. You gave me a real fact about the opportunity to achieve better.
After some days on my own, I decided on going the schedule B of some tests, to improve my average to 90+. that will be in October tho, so I have time to get perfect.
Well engineering degrees are basically one of the hardest possible to earn so as long as you survive it, you should be more than fine. Be sure this is what you want though.. a major for the money alone is never worth it but then again, I’m pretty sure that degree is flexible anyways. You could maybe get a good business job or something if it turns out you hate engineering for whatever reason.
I would advise to make an academic plan with a counselor if you haven’t already. Maybe try to make a study group early on. Like really, for any hard subject, a study group seems like a must.
Also, I would max out your units during the summer and winter to just get the ges over with. They are basically a repeat of highschool classes. That’s pretty dumb but oh well. Half your degree is basically just highschool classes. 57 units… 2 years… That’s depressing. I SHOULD have gotten an AA-T before graduating highschool but I was thrown under the bus. Not a lick of good advice or moral support. Killed my ambition. I used to be a hardcore student but I don’t really care anywhere near the amount I used to as a 14 year old. Too much crap happened to me. 5+ years of pain.
Like I got a 4.13 one time and my overall gpa wasn’t terrible when I graduated. Like 3.52. Looooong story but I tried taking college classes at a cc as a sophmore in hs but got so fucked over.
I’m always always pissed about how no one saw my potential in either body or mind and now it’s too late because the real me died 5 years ago.
First: thank you so much for those advises! I experienced some of the solutions you said, and they sure keep me up.
I always loved engineering, and I believe out of all the options I have, this one will be the best mean for me to fix up my life (and enjoy while doing it).
I also lost my ambition at the early age (ambitious to study etc) but have sober up when I saw nobody gives a shit about it.
I would love to hear your story, or atleast some details, of what has brought you as a person down to the ground. Maybe from your experience I can learn how to stand up, and keep on going. any how, I really thank you for replying.
I’ll try not to make this comment too long but basically, I was emasculated (won’t go into super detail here). Basically, I would do stuff like 17k pushups in a month with 45 lb, 51k situps, lifted a 20lb dumbbell around once every 2 seconds per arm for an hour so around 1,800 times without stopping, almost maxed the machines I used, ran every other day, etc.
The ONLY real reason I was able to study well was because training gave me IMMENSE energy and my self-esteem used to be incredibly high because of it.
I used to have so much energy that I would do 1k pushups in sets with 45lb in the low 40 min mark from the moment I would wake up.
I had a methodical routine and that routine was basically key to my sucess. Training was my linchpin. I can’t emphasize the word “linchpin” enough.
I used to live by an ultimatum before when it came to my training and I had meant it. To do or die. Honestly, I shouldn’t really be alive right now since I broke the promise I had made to myself.
To summarize, I needed the perfect body in order to be able to focus on my mind.
Basically, emasculation ruined my life (also, not getting an aa-t before graduating hs contributed to my self-esteem becoming ruined).
My original purpose was to unlock my ultimate potential before dying but now, that’s impossible since you can’t turn back the clock.
Lol, eventually I’ve made it with almost 89 AVG. which is really good.