So this is my life long sob story. Here you’ll find stupid thing that I’ve done and really stupid reasons behind it. -you probably will encounter spelling errors and poor grammar-
So starting off , i grew up as a kid with little. We weren’t poor but we barely survived. My parents got divorced when i was very young. My mother married an asshole who was abusive towards me (bare in mind they never drank alcohol or used drugs) they had 2 children after they got married and they were everything, i was nothing.
Moving on a few years after some abuse and shit.
My dad comes back into my life as i go to highschool , which we all know is about what you have. Now my father reintroduced himself and he also introduced obscene amounts of money.
Moving on a few months.
Im in highschool now with all the latest dropped nike and all other major name brand clothing etc.
So uhm yeah i get a big ego and i impress alot of people (fake friends ofcourse)
Then here’s where the twist comes in , everyone gets to know me as the rich cool kid. But now myself and my fathers relationship gets tough.
Side note* he doesnt know how to deal with problems especially kid related as he didnt raise me, so he disappears for a few months when ever thing get tough
So my father disappears, now im stuck with people i need to impress to make me feel better about myself (which is extremely wrong i know but in the moment i was blinded)
So here’s the scary part , my depression and anxiety combined with ego turned me into a compulsive liar. I started lying to impress people, and its gone down hill ever since. My life is such a lie i dont even know myself , i lie so easily and i believe myself.
Ill make this part short as its a very long story. So i meet a very nice girl who offered me a place to stay when things got tough at both my dad and mums houses. So a month into a very false relationship where I literally lied about everything. My dad starts looking for me and finds me. Then he contacts the girls parents and they straightened everything up , he told then everything i told them is a lie. So as i wait at this girls house the one day (not knowing about my fathers doings with her parents) waiting for parents to fetch her from school and them all to arrive home. They finally showed up but not alone. Here my dad was outside aswell. So with a very short goodbye with no explanation my dad took me away from them.
Oh and did i mention i got kicked out of school at age 16 grade 10 to be specific.
Then as time goes by i end up at my mums house working a stupid job as a pizza boy. Daddyo never spoke to me again.
Then finally i turn 18.
My dad decides to give me another shot and comes back into my life. Now i move in with him and finish my matric through and online GED program. During this 6 months i meet a girl -you’re probably thinking oh god not again- but wait , this one brightened up my life no no other person ever has.
Again my compulsive lying kicks in and i lie to her about a few aspects about my life. We spent 4-5 months together at the time of this message.
But recently she found out i lied to her and it hurt her terribly, but she decided to stay. Kinda ironic coz she did “stay” but her presence is not really here. I know shes given up on me.
Tonight we had a fight because we constantly hurt each other ever since she found out about the lies.
I left her house tonight with a choice of staying with me and working on the relationship together and making it the best ever (which also includes me sorting out all my mental illnesses and a few other things) or we can leave it and go our separate ways.
After a very emotional drive home we exchange a few messages over the phone. We’ve not totally come to a decision but i can tell shes given up and she wants to leave me. I have apologized and send her a very profound message telling her how much she means and that ill do anything to keep her for those of you thinking i didnt try hard enough.
So i might of left out a few things here and there but thats mainly my story
So today on Sunday the 3rd of September 2017 – 10pm (in South africa) i Armin jvr age 19 have made a decision to take my own life. It will happen either tomorrow or the leading few days.
If by chance you see this after im dead , Caitlyn i loved you like no other person or possession I’ve ever encountered. My love for you was true , my lies weren’t. Im so sorry , i hope you’ll live long my darling.
Im sorry
6 comments
What method are going to use? I’m curious
Not entirely sure … either a bullet from a cz85 to the head , overdose on sleeping pills with some booze or good ol’ fashioned hanging. Trying to decide but its kinda hard coz the gun belongs to my dad amd he carries it around most of the time but i can still find window of opportunity, then again overdose is skeptical as i might not take enough and it just makes me fucking sick , and with hanging im afraid someone finds me and cuts the rooe before im dead which will then lead to brain damage and ill be forced to be a vegetable. So im scoping my options still
I feel sorry that you have to suffer through this and I know that I can’t fix it, but you said that in past, things have been really bad, yet they could unexpectedly improve.
I know I can’t and I won’t tell you what to do, I just wanted to say that.
You should send this to her as a sort of a goodbye note. It might look like manipulating her but us men often don’t get to express our feelings and what we want to convey in the deepest recesses of our mind unless we write it down when we’re calm.
I come from a dysfunctuonal family myself so I can pretty much relate. My dad was an abusive asshole, called me names and made me feel worthless. My younger brother was the favorite and when we got into fights, they would always side with him even tho it’s his fault. Of course, human beings being human beings, he took advantage of this and would go out of his way to antagonize me knowing they would always take his side. Imagine being beaten, emasculated and made to feel worthless. It would totally screw up with your social development and lower your self-esteem. You have nowhere to run to and often your recourse is to just wear a mask and look for “family” somewhere else.
Then when they see me like this now, they just act like they’ve done nothing and wash their hands, pretending nothing happened. I really hate people like that, who claim they have done nothing wrong but play games and destroy somebody’s life. Society should fuck these people up. If given the chance, I would fucking beat them and kill them.
You really should consider staying, Give it some more time. and if things still don’t improve then decide. But that doesn’t mean just staying there and not opening up your options. Do something you’ve never done. Do something you always wished to do. Even volunteer. Not belittling your situation but spend time with the homeless, poor etc and learn about their struggle. You can also talk to inspiring ppl. Just give it some time and open up to new things.
I care.
you might be gone by now, but if you aren’t I wanna tell you something.
So your story talking about your gf that you loved but still lied to is very similar to mine. Except, I’m the gf. My kind ex- boyfriend has compulsive lying issues, and he lied to me from the moment he started talking to me. I knew the whole time. He, according to his own words I was “the light of his life.” Thats because I pulled him out of the darkness he was in. If you want to know how I felt about it, just keep reading if not oh well.
So I knew he was lying and I let him lie to me, not necessarily encouraging the lies but I brushed them off. I wasn’t hurt really, just confused. Until we started dating, every now and then he would lie about his life. I would brush them off if I knew for a fact they were lies. I still loved him unconditionally.
He broke up with me (long story)
we didn’t talk at all, for months.
Then we got back together (not so long story)
he was distant etc, lied about how busy he was. Then he went from bad to so much worse. He used me, lied. And now I know he was trying to f*ck around with other girls within those months we weren’t dating.
and well, I went through a period of time where I was so angry (im not an angry person) then sad, and acceptance. I gave up, just like your girl, I gave up on him. I tried dating him but he caught on quickly of how bland every emotion I gave him. And well, I want to forgive him now. I want him to be okay.
My worst fear is for him to kill himself, that, that would hurt me more than anything else he could do.
Truthfully, honestly, if he stopped lying and stopped distancing himself from everyone. I would be down to marry him.
I still love him, I just wish he would come back
my advice, just give your girl sometime, she needs time to process. And don’t kill yourself, be the person she would want you to be.