I have a lot going for me. I have college ahead and an amazing boyfriend. He gives me the world and loves me more than anyone else has. I know that I love him. But it feels weird sometimes because I go through these moments where I don’t feel anything and I don’t like it. I love him more than anything but when I feel nothing, I am so mean. I forget that people have feelings and I lash out and act like a flaming ****. I hate it but when I’m this way, its like I’m moving through a daze and I am just watching myself act this way. I know it does not excuse my actions, I just don’t know how to fix it and I want to be a good girlfriend. I want to show him I care and that he means everything to me. But I feel like I’m going to push him away. These moment of numbness aren’t just towards him, its towards everything and everyone. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m trying but I feel like it is useless. He makes me feel like I’m worth something but I don’t want to hurt him and that scares me the most. Him leaving on his own would be okay if that’s what he wanted. But, hurting him would be to much. It is to much. What I did has been driving me insane. I can’t eat, I can barely sleep. It is on my mind all the time and I can’t handle it anymore. I’m trying to get over it but since it was very recent I’m having issues handling it. Which is really selfish considering he was the one who got hurt. I try and take it day by day but its hard. I tell myself, one more step, every day. When I wake up, I think, just one more day. I try to keep my mind on one day, one moment, at a time. Because when I begin to let my mind drift, I start to slowly drift away. Sliding into an uncontrollable downward spiral. I cannot keep living my life through the small window I have allowed myself. I will continue going one step at a time, but sooner or later, that step will be impossible to take and I will greet death with a smile upon my face
Ghost
As the night commands me,
With a tone of deceit and anger,
I decide to obey it,
Like hungry dog a stranger.
To it’s treacherous silence,
I shall bid myself ,
In the River of Ganges,
Later I shall bade myself.
Provoked by my thoughts,
It sends me a passionate ghost,
Harassing my soul into doubt,
Borrowing my fate to uncertainty.
As my blood brother whispers to me,
Ephemeral sins from her lips,
Lies from her beauty I embrace,
Truth and harmony I distaste.
“Secret holds beneath her veil” – he said,
Not within her touch,
Rebel angels claim playground on your skin,
But you don’t seem to care much.
Now I must leave,
My master beholds me,
It is she who decides,
and she seldom sets me free.
Come back! – I plea
I need you in my sight,
I see my lover every day,
I want to feel her every night.
1 comment
I can relate to this from past relationships, and the common denominator was that those were women I wasn’t REALLY attracted to – you know, that spark, it wasn’t there. But sure I loved them – how could I not when we had gotten so intimate?
What really jumps out at me is that you would be okay with him leaving if it was his decision. That, IMHO, is not how someone who loves their partner speaks. They would HATE to lose their partner, regardless of who took the initiative. They would be crushed. You worry not about your feelings, but about his. Again, that suggests that on some level you know that he would be more hurt by a breakup than you.
You can still choose to stay if you value what you have – I would really recommend studying anthropologist Helen Fisher’s work (she has a TED Talk as well).
She claims there are three drives: lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. These are networks in the brain, mind you. Lust, you know what is. Romantic attraction is those butterflies you get in your stomach when you first fall in love with someone. Usually lasts up to a year. Attachment may or may not develop as you spend time together, have sex, release oxytocin, etc.
But these drives can happen separately. You can develop an attachment to someone you were never attracted to. You can lust after someone you’re not romantically attracted to. And so on. My guess is that maybe you have developed an attachment to someone you’re not attracted to. That was what happened to me, anyhow.
It’s your decision: Stay and enjoy what you have, or venture out to find someone you’re spontaneously attracted to, and where you don’t worry about the fate of the relationship for their sake – but for your own.