So here I am, not even a month into a new job in a new place, and I am already crying in the stairwell because I have already wrecked the job. (I find stairwells to be the best place to cry in office towers…..people are always headed somewhere so they don’t usually have time to stop and ask if you are okay. Best to go to a floor far from your office of course….)
The office tower is different. The job is different. The language is even different. But I am the same
It is like that quote that says wherever you go there you are. It doesn’t matter what job I do, where I do it, or what language I do it in, I find a way to torpedo it. Sometimes really creative ways!
I don’t know what is wrong with me and at this point I don’t even care. I just want out. I hate myself and I can’t do this anymore.
I went to see a new shrink today and her advice was to do more breathing exercises and to have some self compassion. I think when the professional advice mirrors what I could find in a self help book that’s a sign that it is time to call it quits
I was kind of hoping I really could.male it better this time. But at least it is finally clear that it is really over.
1 comment
I too, cry in stairwells. Not only cry…sometimes I just go there to think, get away, or relive my mistakes in private. Its easy bc people in my office are mostly fat asses, so they never take the stairs.
I can’t say I fuck up at work. Work is probably what I do best, even though I don’t like it much. I mostly do things that people don’t like (numbers, analyses) and it’s good bc I get to work alone. But I fuck up in everything else, especially friendships. Maybe I’m negative or toxic..or annoying. But people just don’t like me much. It takes some kind of freak accident for them to start talking to me to begin with. They like me for awhile before just leaving. Sometimes its months, sometimes it’s years.
Anyway, with work, I find that people are usually more tolerable, bc it’s work. You’re new and your mistake is probably not as bad as you think. I know when you fuck up in friendships it’s so much harder to fix. At work you can just chalk it up to learning new stuff. Plus you never fully know your job. Nobody knows their job fully when they get hired. Everyone has to learn. I’m still learning things at this job and I’ve been here almost 4 years.
I pray you will have a patient manager that helps you instead of makes you feel like crap about your mistakes. We all have to start somewhere. Peace and love.