My Last Days (goodbye letter)

  October 25th, 2017 by cbandolero

Hello, I’m new here, my first post. As the title says, these are my last days. I have severe depression I cannot shake, I’ve lost everything due to depression. I wrote a note to my parents in August and I’d like to share it with you all:

If you get this letter, then it is already too late and I’m sorry.

It was no easy decision to take my own life. This all started when I got sick with a sinus infection in March 2017. The sinus infection went went away but the Fatigue and Depression that came with it never left. When I got sick, somehow it triggered Fatigue and Depression I have been living with ever since. I suspect that the antibiotics I took may have had a role in triggering sudden fatigue and depression. I think I’ve had it for several years at a low level but I did not realize I had fatigue and depression already running in the background. They were there at a level I did not quite notice, but in hind-sight, now I can see they’ve been there for quite some time undiagnosed. I think when I got sick in March they were brought up to the surface full on.

I have constant Fatigue and Depression and my symptoms have been an unrelenting, persistent loss of energy, extreme mental, emotional and physical fatigue that cannot be relieved by rest or sleep. I wake up as fatigued as I went to bed. The constant fatigue is all-encompassing. I have constant and severe daytime sleepiness and total absence of energy. I have a hard time getting going in the morning and I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything, work, go to school or do any physical activity. My hands/feet/ears are always cold and my eyes always feel gritty and really bother me. I have an overwhelming feeling hopelessness and apathy.

Another complaint of mine is about my brain. I have sluggish thinking, poor concentration, brain fog, very poor and forgetful memory(like I can’t remember what I just read), my brain processing capacity has been greatly reduced, I can’t memorize anything anymore. My brain has degenerated. I felt like there was a lack of oxygen to the brain or something. I felt like my brain and neurotransmitters weren’t right.. Lately I’ve developed this constant low-level head pressure, feels like brain inflammation that never goes away. It’s there 24/7 and it drives me insane although the MRI and PET scans I took say there’s nothing there. I’m unable to concentrate on verbal, written, or visual information. Following directions, multitasking, or performing an action which requires a series of steps requires monumental energy, energy I don’t have. When I initially went to the Dr’s, I did not know what I had and neither did they. I was able to self-diagnose myself with fatigue and depression in June.

I have lost all motivation. Now I understand that Depression kills a person’s motivation. Something inside me just seemed to suddenly break. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. Having fatigue is like dying everyday, I don’t feel alive and this is not a life.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or have to be taken care of. I don’t want to be a drain on my family, being dependent, not contributing and not being able to, essentially, do anything. I can’t go through life being useless and not be able to sustain myself.

I’m not the son you once knew. I’ve become angry. I’m not an angry person but I’ve become angry at my condition. This condition has changed me for the worse. I’m full of sadness. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. I haven’t smiled in months, in fact, i don’t smile anymore, there is no joy in anything. Having fatigue and depression changes you in every way, but mostly mentally and emotionally turning me into a person that I’m not. I just wanted to live in health and in peace.

Fatigue coupled with depression feed off each other. Contrary to what society might say/think, no, I’m not crazy. I just couldn’t make the fatigue and depression misery stop.

I’ve tried everything, from naturopaths, primary, neurologists, diet change, all vitamins/supplements on earth and nothing works and I’m not the type of person to take 15-20 pills a day.

There’s nothing I, any doctor or anyone could have done. I just can’t see myself living always fatigued, not having energy to do anything, not smiling, not being motivated, being too exhausted to work and not having any kind of life in me. Once this came over me in March, I feel like my soul/life/spirit has left me. This is in contrast to the person I used to be, active, athletic, go-getting, etc.. Now I’m just bed-sofa bound since I have no motivation or energy for anything. Doing anything takes herculean amounts of energy and effort.

I can’t get up without feeling dizzy, I can’t do anything without feeling exhausted. This has changed my mindset and my thoughts. It’s turned me into a negative and angry person. I get up from sleep, I’m fine for several hours then I’m physically and mentally exhausted again. I go to sleep again, wake up, I’m fine for several hours and I’m physically and mentally exhausted again. I do nothing but sleep or lay on the sofa. I’m tired of living like this day to day. It’s no life. And when I sleep, I wake up every hour, so I really get no sleep.

You should not feel sad or ashamed that I’m no longer here. You are good parents and has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. It was not that you didn’t love or support me, I know you did. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty, at all. You have not failed as parents. This is something that was out of anyone’s control, including mine. This is not on you. This was something that came from within.

It’s sad and depressing to remember my old self. Unless you have it and are debilitated by it, there’s no way for you to understand fatigue and depression.

I’ve reached the end of my useful life. I feel like my productive years are over, I can’t go on like this anymore, not without a cure or remedy. I may not “look sick” but no one knows what I’m going through physically and mentally. I’m also tired of pretending that “I’m ok”. I’m unable to work and I will not be able to provide for myself.

I’ve had to abandon dreams, losing the future I had envisioned. I’ve experienced the loss of the person I used to be. With this loss come the biggest challenges: keeping hope alive and bringing new meaning to life when much has been taken away.

I don’t respond to anything, I have tried. Fatigue is not temporary – symptoms persist or can worsen with time. Some people may recover but some don’t, I seem to be one of the unlucky ones.

Depression is the worst thing that can happen to someone because, while depression itself doesn’t kill you, the symptoms kill who you are.

I used to lift weights, jog and skydive. I used to be active, I used to have motivation, drive and energy. I went from that to being bed-sofa ridden overnight. Aside from being fatigued 24/7, and depressed, my mental capacity and memory has greatly suffered.

The last 8 months have shown me what the rest of my life will be like. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it, can’t live like this. No, this was not selfish, I kept fighting it and I thought of you all these months and did not want to bring this on you and I did not want to leave Sophie behind. I can’t see any way out of my depressed state, can’t make the sadness go away and I can’t see a future with constant fatigue and depression. I’m worn down and exhausted from all of it. I was exhausted and wasn’t strong enough, I had no fight left in me. I argued against myself but when I weighed the options and future, I couldn’t see it any other way than leaving. I have no quality of life and can’t see myself living with this for years on end. I don’t want to live in misery. I’ve lost myself and I’ve lost all hope. I wasn’t simply suicidal, I didn’t really want to end my life at all, on the contrary, I wanted to live, but I couldn’t. If you need to know, I used a ******** gas tank with a mask to die peacefully. Perhaps consider publishing this letter so others may know..

I love you and I’ll miss you. I’ll see you somewhere on the other side with the others..

Please take care of Sophie.

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