I feel miserable, help

  November 23rd, 2017 by Mkayyy

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Frankly speaking  I know. I live in a country where it’s very hard to become independent, especially for a woman.. Independent mentally and financially from your parents, where others opinion is the most important.. where woman are compelled to live according to traditions, that  include virginity before  marriage and if you disobey this then they won’t stone you, but you’re compelled  to get  married  forcely because otherwise your family turns back on you. I tried  to live up to my parents  expectations.. tried to.. but their  expectations were  too high, they thought I would be too smart, too beautiful, they would dance  on my wedding, but when I was starting to disappoint them, their  expectations were  turning into bursts of anger and I became  slave of low self esteem. I truly believe  that nothing awaits  for me anymore. nothing good at least.  Alot  has happened to me. Now I’ve got a boyfriend, that  says that loves me, but I’m always afraid that he’s gonna leave me, that he’s gonna get bored of me, one of the reasons  is that  I was married and seperated…  I’m fucking up his life  with these fears as well.. and pushing him away. I’ve got a job. Far from my profession, it’s the only thing that makes me independent from my parents… at least for a bit.. For my profession.. I need to continue studies and I will but I doubt that I will ever  reach success because I was  so absorved  with  self loath, bulemia and depression that I dont know anything of it..  I tried to suicide year and half ago first time, when an absurd gossip broke about me.. and my parents shamed me… that they couldn’t walk streets upface  because of me.. I tried. But I was so afraid of pain. I’ve made hangman’s knot but  was afraid of physical pain, I’m so weak that I can’t even suicide.. And what awaits me forward? Doubt that anything good..  My whole life is gonna be misery.. I want to. I want so much, Every morning and every night I think of it. I tried psychiatrist, psychilogist, but  nor  drugs, nor psychotherapy help me. … What to do.. how to  not to be that coward? … I’m not afraid of death.. I’m afraid of pain and of staying alive  and being vegetable.. but it can’t go on this way/ It can’t. Everyone is better off without me, starting from myself. I’m  a failure.  help.

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