I haven’t written on here for quite some time I think that it is pertinent for me to put something in the way of an update. My current feeling is that alcohol and drugs are taking over, if I’m not drunk or high I can’t sleep. I hope that the next time I do it it becomes the end of me. I don’t think addiction is a cycle to be broken I think it is to be maintained until thw inevitable. My own perspective is that I will never have respite from how I feel, the fact it’s been nearly a year since I posted and I still feel that I am worthless, that killing myself would be an arbitrary task with little effort and impact. Someone nearly died very clise to my house the other day due to a stabbing and all I can think is ehy wasn’t it someone like me who would have welcomed death with open arms? It’s complex and in my head disturbing but as is the existence I have grown to know.
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Addiction may feel like an endless cycle, but people have broken free from it. You can too. Go to friends or family and ask for help. I don’t know your situation besides this, but even so, call a place that can help. A rehab center of some kind, to help with the addiction. However, you are not worthless. You are here for a reason, and maybe part of that reason is to be able to spread hope and tell your story and how you will survive. It feels like hell right now, but there are different chapters of your life, and this one is particularly hard to read. However, the next chapter will get better. Try and keep your head above the water and about killing yourself. Think of who you are leaving behind and how it will affect them and if it doesn’t work, the serious side effects of the attempt. You are not worthless and you can do this.
“Arbitrary with little effect or impact”
I see suicide as such a thing that there are 7.4 billion people in the world. People die every day, but even worse, for every person that dies, 3 are born. Each individual life is not significant, you are a pawn on a chess board. In reality, you’re about as significant as a fucking plank or a leaf floating in the wind. I ain’t living to motherfucking 80, I ain’t living to motherfucking 40, I probably ain’t living to motherfucking 35.
I’m sorry I put 35, I meant 30.