I had hoped to recieve a response from anyone that might be able to relate to my feelings of hopelessness or could share their experience as it related to mine. But I didn’t and I guess that’s alright. I figure you come into this horrid world alone, you walk through it alone, and I should expect to exit it the same. I know my husband will be devasted in every way humanely possible when I die because it will be him that most likely will discover my remains. I’m currently trying to figure out where in my home to do this. I’ve decided that I will place large bowls of food and water for my cats at least enough for 3 days. I don’t wish to cause them any undo suffering. I have decided that I don’t want to ruin our bed for my husband so I can’t shoot my self in the bedroom. He will need a place to rest I can’t take that from him. I have concerns about missing my aim with my gun and even bigger concerns about being discovered before I have finally died. I don’t want to be resuscitated or have any effort made to keep me alive. I have written down these wishes and have someone that I trust who has been given the info to access this. I know she doesn’t agree with my decision but loves and respects me enough to follow through with what I have asked of her. She knows that I realized way back before this summer that 2017 was going to be my last year alive. I honestly wished I would be given the signs to tell me to carry on that this misery would pass that all or at least some of the physical pain would alleviate the only thing that has happened is that I have physically continued to deteriorate I am unable to stand on my own two feet and wash dishes cook a meal etc. for myself without agonizing pain and collapsing to the floor. I will not let doctors try to put me on opioids or any other kind of pain relievers. I know what happens to people that do. If I wanted to exist that way I would head down the street a few miles and find the nearest heroin dealer. At least that way I’d know what was going to happen to me. Instead of some doctor giving me platitudes of how their”heroin” will ease my pain. If there is anyone who takes the time to read this or anyone who might give a damn that might be able to tell me a good way to deal with all this I would really like to hear what you have to say
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I dunno what to say, apart from the fact that I can relate to your desperation and loneliness. I hope you reach out for a helping hand. You matter.
Thank you no one has ever said to me that I matter. Man you have no idea how much that helps thank you
I usually don’t comment on other posts anymore, but I wanted you to at least know your voice is heard.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard commenting on site where everyone has a reason why they don’t or can’t continue living their own hell. it’s quite hypocritical for any of us to tell another to go through and just push on, even though we are selves hate that response. But it’s because we understand at least one part of the feeling that we can’t stand seeing others go through something similar, maybe it’s because we are looking for something to hope for or were just tired of seeing hurting people being almost forced to give in. I won’t tell you what I think you should do nor do I even have that answer, as I neither have the right or the ability. But if I were in a similar situation the only choices I would feel possible, is hoping for anything and continue suffering until it’s finally over for the people I care about, or go with what I believe is right for myself and letting myself rest. Although for myself I just can’t do that yet. The thought of absolutely breaking the people I care about, making them feel a pain no drug is ever going to help. It horrifies me. And God, do I want to give in so bad. I remember the time I woke up after my only real attempt. I was covered in my own vomit and possibly blood (tried to OD). The thought of my parents finding me like that(14 at the time), made me sick to my core. I honestly should have died, to this day I have no explanation on how I did not. Maybe it was a sign maybe just a coincidental “miracle”, maybe some spurt of luck. But until I finally lose my absolute sanity and just impulsively end myself, I’m going to try my hardest to continue.
Again it’s really hard to respond to any of the posts on this site, but maybe we can try to have hope within each other.
And if not I hope to everything we at least find the peace we’re all searching for.
Although I’ve never met you I gotta say you are a very wise person. I hope you know that. You’re description of your attempt to OD is almost an exact mirror to my last attempt. Eerily similar and not knowing how or why I survived as well. I’m going to take your words to heart and keep reaching out for help and trying to believe it will come
I too live with horrible pain and a poor prognosis. I hear you loud and clear. Why do you refuse pain medication? I have my times of despair. But I haven’t exhausted all my options yet. And I too have a husband who knows my suffering. He’s always been here for me and I don’t want to destroy him. Please reconsider your plan. It will always be there but try living and fighting and surviving.
I’m sorry you too have to live with chronic pain it’s not fair to have something like never ending pain inflicted on ones self. I know in my case I can see how it is affecting my mental faculties I don’t want to take pain mess because I’ve seen what they do to people mainly my sister it turned her into someone unable to function with out using them and never have done anything to fix what causes her pain. I won’t do that to myself. I really appreciate hearing someone tell me to not give up and to keep fighting. Thank you for caring about someone you don’t even know
I read this. Then I reread it. Your pain is as serious as mine. Mine is all mental and deadly as can be. I actually don’t know what keeps many of us breathing and typing and lurking on here. I have read and reread the first dozen or so stories ever published on here.
How the human spirit endures what we do is beyond me. I worry about my therapist because she hears so much pain.
I got misty eyed reading your story when read it the second time. Look, whatever you do, I sure as hell would understand. Continuing on in the face of pain seems good to some people, whether they are the ones suffering or not. Ending our lives in the face of pain makes perfect sense to others, whether they are the ones suffering or not.
I keep my gun close, I have done the research, but I keep my therapist closer.
Your user name is new to me so welcome to SP. Whatever you do, at least you can know that a few battle weary commenters grasp your plight .
I must admit, as hard as I try to survive, I too keep at least one of my guns close by. And I believe suicide is a valid option.
I really feel that any one in our circumstances, or any one capable of comprehending them, would likely agree on the option part. For example, in my state, voters approved a right to die law for the terminally ill. Out of every 100 voters the results were:
Yes 64% No 32% Did not vote the issue 4%
I just thought I would share that.
I wanted to tell you thank you for your kind words they helped me to feel not so alone and not completely out of my mind that someone else shares some of my points of view was reassuring in way I’m pretty sure the rest of the world wouldn’t understand
Your thoughts were very comforting knowing that someone else has the same thoughts that I do makes me think that it could be possible to get through what seems to be a never ending darkness I am going to take your advice and keep my therapist closer and call him tonite my present life situation is dismal my inability to find a new job after nearly 3 months and the very real possibility of eviction is so draining and the option to just check out of this world looks pretty good to me and at the same time the knowledge that the pain and sorrow I will be putting on my husband and friends pulls me in the other direction and I keep trying to make myself believe I can get through the problems I’m facing now the internal struggle makes me so tired and scarred. I keep asking myself how long will this continue how come I can’t have a day an hour without feeling like this will it ever stop do I have to fight every second? Thank you for your words they keep me thinking about living and maybe that’s a place to begin
Knowing you are not alone is huge, and you are not alone when it comes to this stuff. Certainly not now. Maybe now you have a little more balanced choice. Going away could be put on hold, for now. If I may say so, it seems going away is an ability given to us, and if we must use it we can. If you are a praying woman you will pray and it sounds like you will be meeting with your therapist.
Now today I cleaned my gun but I also texted my therapist. I too am in agony. It is mental. My choices: Stay and keep trying to recover, with uncertain results, for me and those who love me— or go away and have what I believe are great results for me and many uncertain results for those I leave behind, with pain being the only certainty in it for them.
My husband is on a feeding tube and went through chemo radiation for six months and yet works because he wants to support his family and take care of us. He just does it. My son killed himself a year and a half ago. My mind is completely stressed. I stay on this earth because GOD gave me this life and life has a purpose. The purpose is to love others and take care of others. How can you take care of your husband if you are dead? How can you take care of your cats if you are dead? How can you help strangers? AGain, my husband is on a feeding tube and yet he takes care of the dog and supports us by working full time. He doesn’t give up. Is his life hard, YES! Pray to God every day to take you if that’s what your prayer is. But let God answer and let God be the one. He gave you your first breath and he should be the one who releases you from this earth with your final breath. If you have any breaths left, use them to say good to others and to carry you forward to love and help others.
My husband is on a feeding tube and went through chemo radiation for six months and yet works because he wants to support his family and take care of us. He just does it. My son killed himself a year and a half ago. My mind is completely stressed. I stay on this earth because GOD gave me this life and life has a purpose. The purpose is to love others and take care of others. How can you take care of your husband if you are dead? How can you take care of your cats if you are dead? How can you help strangers? AGain, my husband is on a feeding tube and yet he takes care of the dog and supports us by working full time. He doesn’t give up. Is his life hard, YES! Pray to God every day to take you if that’s what your prayer is. But let God answer and let God be the one. He gave you your first breath and he should be the one who releases you from this earth with your final breath. If you have any breaths left, use them to say good to others and to carry you forward to love and help others.