I think it’s time

December 18th, 2017by soundless scream

I had hoped to recieve a response from anyone that might be able to relate to my feelings of hopelessness or could share their experience as it related to mine. But I didn’t and I guess that’s alright. I figure you come into this horrid world alone, you walk through it alone, and I should expect to exit it the same. I know my husband will be devasted in every way humanely possible when I die because it will be him that most likely will discover my remains. I’m currently trying to figure out where in my home to do this. I’ve decided that I will place large bowls of food and water for my cats at least enough for 3 days. I don’t wish to cause them any undo suffering. I have decided that I don’t want to ruin our bed for my husband so I can’t shoot my self in the bedroom. He will need a place to rest I can’t take that from him. I have concerns about missing my aim with my gun and even bigger concerns about being discovered before I have finally died. I don’t want to be resuscitated or have any effort made to keep me alive. I have written down these wishes and have someone that I trust who has been given the info to access this. I know she doesn’t agree with my decision but loves and respects me enough to follow through with what I have asked of her. She knows that I realized way back before this summer that 2017 was going to be my last year alive. I honestly wished I would be given the signs to tell me to carry on that this misery would pass that all or at least some of the physical pain would alleviate the only thing that has happened is that I have physically continued to deteriorate I am unable to stand on my own two feet and wash dishes cook a meal etc. for myself without agonizing pain and collapsing to the floor. I will not let doctors try to put me on opioids or any other kind of pain relievers. I know what happens to people that do. If I wanted to exist that way I would head down the street a few miles and find the nearest heroin dealer. At least that way I’d know what was going to happen to me. Instead of some doctor giving me platitudes of how their”heroin” will ease my pain. If there is anyone who takes the time to read this or anyone who might give a damn that might be able to tell me a good way to deal with all this I would really like to hear what you have to say

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