I want to pull the fucking trigger

December 27th, 2017by Urm8451n

that is it. I had enough.
I had enough of this kind of life.
I screwed up a few times. other times I got screw over.
Im fucked up.

I want to be soulless. I want to be with out feelings
I want to be a fucking robot.

I don’t want to communicate. I don’t want to love, to cry, to be mad.

God. If you are out there, when I wake up tomorrow morning, please wake me up feeling less.
Please help me become this hollow shell.

Why would you take away from me so much, without taking my feelings too? Why do I have to deal with this shit?

I want to be a fucking robot for 5 years. please make it happen.

I have enough on my mind. I don’t want to be social. I want my own world. With sports, studies and work . I want to be autistic! I want to be stupid!
I want to be blind! and I want to FORGET WHAT HAPPENED.

I can cope with it. I will make it.
But I don’t want to remember how lonely am I each fucking night.
I don’t want to remember that I don’t have a family and that my aunt and grandparents and et certa are fucking horrible people.

I wish to wake up with my mind clear and focused on the goal.

please. I know it is fucking tough, but please, who ever out there, help me make it through.

I…… I don’t know how to put the words together.

I….. I feel like a lot of things are depending on me.

I’m not cracking up, but I’m neither living here.

I don’t know for how long I can hold.

and anyway thanks for clipped wing a1957 and freeroma for the support.
I’m sorry I’m cracking up each night. it’s just that…
I’m just a kid :/

I was raised with out a dad, I was bullied but for short time because I stood against them and showed them I don’t give a shit, and I’ll kill THEM if they will even try to pick on me.
I didn’t have time to.. to enjoy moments because of my mom’s ptsd.
I never had money because of endless debt.
there are more rants tho. Like chronic harsh sickness and…. other shit.

although I never felt like a failure, and never am or was disgust by myself, I am feeling the urge to not be concise.

Be strong, be brave.. don’t let time pass by. Yours Jac.

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