Inside of me

There’s a little boy inside of me
Sweet kid
Shy kid
Scared kid
Hiding from the monsters he grew up with
Talented and clever kid
Building walls to protect himself
Misplaced and forgotten kid
Lost between the very thing he built to survive
There’s a little boy inside of me, somewhere within these walls.

There is a clown inside of me
A comedian of sorts
Making jokes
Wearing smiles
Finding humour in the pain
Laughing away the monsters
While whispering words that say
Don’t tell people you love them
Especially if you love them.
There is a clown inside of me
Created and imagined by that little boy,
And he likes to turn these walls into a maze.

There’s a monster inside of me
Telling me to hate
Saying it’s all my fault
That I am undeserving
I’m useless
Unlovable
That there is nothing special about me.
He tortures me
Holds a mirror up to me
And tells me
You are just like the monsters you’ve always despised
There’s a monster inside of me
Because I trapped him inside of me
And he searches for that little boy who hides behind the clown in this ever growing maze.

There is a war inside of me
In this maze of walls
And everyday, I hear them say these words.
“Be quiet” whispers the little boy
“Hide your feelings” says the clown
“Stay silent” yells the monster
And everyday until today I listened
Without realising all that they say is the same
But today I’m not a little boy anymore
Today I don’t need to make jokes anymore
And today I am not what the monster says I am anymore.
For they, like my walls, were built when I needed them to survive
There is a war inside of me
But I dictate the rules
And there is more inside of me
Than the monster, boy and clown
For there is love inside of me
So much heart inside of me
And today, I say that nothing will ever be ok until I can see this world the way I believe it to be
And as they all finally stayed silent,
I started knocking the walls down