January 15th, 2018 by An orange

I had a very hard childhood growing up, I grew up in a small cult and never knew a day of peace and stability, Ive been homeless and emotionally/ physically abused by my parents.

I left home at 19 to live with my long distance girl friend at the time, and was rejected by my family as a selfish traitor for leaving and not staying in poverty. My first relationship wasnt very healthy and my ex was very manipulative and passive aggressive. Later we moved to LA to pursue art in the animation industry. My ex dumped me the first week but gave the idea of taking a break, it never worked out and instead we lived together in a small studio for 6 months arguing. After that I felt very alone in LA. I never learned healthy interaction and spent a majority of my life indoors growing up. I made bad decisions with friends and lovers trying to fill a void. Ive tried to keep going telling myself that I was going to carve a new better life out for myself. I ended up working in animation and getting a few gigs. I tried to hold on to the idea of self help but nothing worked. I had a terrible experience at my first job and was isolated by my whole team. my boss gaslit me and told me that killing myself would ruin her image. I ended up hermiting a year after that feeling more broken. I couldnt connect fully with anyone because they didnt understand. The people in my life either had loving parents, or at least some stability, they had money or good loyal friends, they didnt have mental illness like I did.  I made friends and connected with people as much as I could but soon realized that it was a show, an act. That people say things because it makes them feel good about themselves, they tell you they care or will be there for you, but arent. They ghost, avoid or talk about you. I have become very jaded in my field. I don’t care about working in art anymore, I dont care about this expensive cold city. I wanted to move, but with the state of the country right now, everywhere is terrible. My mother used my identity when I was younger so I have terrible credit, I suffer from asthma, ptsd, and bipolar 2 disorder, Ive lost friends over my mental illness. The few friends I do have care about me to an extent, they care about me as much as their comfort will let them, but I find I can’t relate to them, they come from a privileged background or don’t struggle with intense depression. Ive tried seeing a therapist but sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a wall. Ive taken medication and tried to find other reasons to keep going, but now I don’t know. I’m tired of not having genuine connection, I’m tired of struggling, I’m tired of holding the burden of my childhood. I hate fighting with my mental illness, I’m tired of being  abandoned, and the things that gave me purpose dont matter anymore. Sometimes I wonder if this was supposed to happen at the end. I never can really run away from where I came from and its hard for me to play along and act like things will get better. I feel so alone, Ive tried to call suicide hotline in the past and had bad experiences, In the end they can’t help either, they don’t know what to say. They try to convince me to keep going, but for what? I hate how its the first thing people suggest to me, like its a end all cure all. It doesnt work, nothing does. I keep waking up and coming to my reality, I keep thinking about how I wish I could keep my eyes closed. The fact that no one will truly understand makes me feel empty. I want to die, but I’m a coward. I wish I could get over the fear of pain so I can finally rest.

I found this website because I don’t see anything in front of me, but everything behind me. I just want to tell someone how I feel, and leave a small piece of myself in a corner of the internet that no one would look for.

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