Long Time, No See

I made my first post here 6 months ago. I cannot remember how i felt then but I’m sure it’s a similar feeling of what I have now. I am overwhelmed with pressure into going into nursing school. In all honesty, I dont want to be a nurse. I do not have the social capability of doing so. My parents are forcing so much onto me and my mother says I have no right to choose what is best for me even though I am almost 20. I’ve been lying bout my grades just for them to leave me alone and it has come to the point where they made me submit and application to a program that I cannot even meet the requirements. I’ve thought about running away plenty of times so that I would not have to deal with all of this. I realize that I am in the wrong and karma bit be hard. I was watching the show Skins, and an episode in particular triggered me because I felt the same infatuation of death with the character Effy. I really wonder to myself “how would my life be like in 20 years”. I always wish to myself that I hope I would get cancer, or a tragic accident would happen to me. I feel so sick and nauseous. I’m too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend this because it’s a reoccurring topic that I always bring up. I dont want him to be annoyed with me or anything.

I’m just wondering if I could get any input from other people.