On The Verge Of Giving Up

Hello. This will be my first entry, and honestly… I am scared. I badly needed help from a professional, but my mom just nags at me, saying that she doesn’t want a daughter who is going to have records with some psychiatrist. My father, who was with me when we went to the hospital, knew and heard what my doctor said. That I needed psychiatric consultation. But he just shrugged it off as if what I’m going through is just easy as putting first aid on a wounded knee.

I’ve been suffering for years now because of my father. Words, words just can’t describe how horrible he is. I am deprived with everything. I lack social skills, I lack confidence, self esteem because of him. He broke me and he keeps on blaming me for being broken. He would usually cuss and lecture me, even when I’m eating. And I am already on the verge of bursting everything out since my emotions has always been supressed.

Have you ever experienced that, even in the simplest little things, they are so hard to do? Like those things are some kind of 10m marathon that you need to keep on running? I am so tired. I don’t know where to get the strength to do things.

At school, since our immersion started, I felt the distance between my best friend and I. She always whines at me, and throws tantrums. I felt like shutting the door for her. But it will always be me who is at fault when things like this happen.

All of them. My friends, my family… They all blame me for something I am not. They all blame me for being like this. At night, when people are fast asleep, I am crying so silently that my heart is about to burst because of the heaviness so no one would hear me and will suddenly turn out that they will ask questions.

I cried and beg my mom hundreds of times to bring me to a psychologist to have me checked and can give me anti-depressant pills. But what do I get? Invalidations? I will be graduating by March and will finally enter college, but I think I wouldn’t be able to march and make it because for sure, I will be gone before they know it.

I am honestly waiting for my dad to blame me while I am laying inside my pretty coffin. I wish he’ll regret everything. I want him to regret everything. So, please…. Help me before I get insane and would do impulsive acts. Help me out, I’m begging you.