Something is still left

I’ve noticed that I can no longer smile to myself. When I smile it is meant for friends or family. I know what caused it. My dad was violent, not against me, but my mother. I was afraid of him, he had rules that I had to obey. I couldn’t disobey, say anything bad about him… I had to be silent, listen and obey. I learnt to be like he wanted. I didn’t have many friends because of it. I was really shy and it took me a long time to trust someone.

Later my parents actually divorced and it made me really happy. I was fourteen by then. I didn’t want to meet my dad at all, so finally I could say something. I said that I hate him and I don’t want to see him ever again. And that’s what I’m still going for. I’m now seventeen and I haven’t met him. I don’t want to.

My mom is a really strong person. I hope that she gets the happiness she deserves. Once she said that she’s happy that her child has grown to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I just nodded, I didn’t say anything. There are things she doesn’t know about me. I have been depressed since I turned fifteen. Sometimes I feel better, but after going to high school it all started going wrong. I’m too awkward to meet new people, so I have only two friends, who are really dear to me. Especially the one I’ve been friends with since I was twelve. She understands me and she is the only person I have ever told about my depression. I’m shy, or that’s what I thought it was. I can’t go to school without convincing to myself that it’s going to be okay. I’m scared of people. My friend said that I should go to a psychiatrist, but I’m too scared to speak to anyone. It really sucks.

I have done self-harm, many times. When I have this pain inside my head, I just take it out on my body, it helps. I know it’s wrong, but it’s the only thing I can do. I tried to not, but it keeps coming back.

Now to the real thing I’m here for. I just thought that if someone ever reads this, it would be nice to let them know what brought me here. I really think the cause is the way I was taught to live when I was younger, it was traumatic.

I think about suicide a lot. Almost every morning when I walk to school, I see cars driving by and I think how easy it would be just to jump in front of one. I think that I could walk into a forest and wait there until I’m not breathing anymore. It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s that I just simply want to disappear. No one ever knew me, I would be gone. To be honest I once even took all the pill bottles in the bathroom and counted them, thinking would it be enough to kill me, but I put them back. I was too afraid. I don’t really know what stopped me. I kind of envy the people who have someone they trust enough to tell them everything. I talk to my friend a lot, but she doesn’t always listen well. She just kinda changes the subject like I was talking about normal daily things. I know I’m probably selfish, but I really hoped that she would have something to say, like support me. I showed her the scars on my hands and she said nothing…

That might be the another reason I’m suicidal. When I try to reach out, I feel like people don’t really care. My mother never asks about anything. Is it normal to some people that their parents ask questions like “How was your day?” or “What’s on your mind?”? … Mom never listens. I try to talk about normal things, like music. She just looks at her phone and doesn’t even look at me. It kinda hurts. Then again I always have to listen to her. She talks about her problems and I should always have something to say, well I don’t. I feel like she puts more weight on me, I love her, but I wish she would listen to me…

Recently everything has been really hard for me. My depression has taken all the energy that was still left. I lied to everyone saying that I’m sick, but in reality I was too exhausted to get up. When I spent those days in bed, I found an artist, who wrote lyrics that spoke to me. I really appreciate his works. In one song he talked about his past, how he had depression, social phobia, how he talked to a psychiatrist and how he had suicidal thoughts, but he survived it all and is now an successful artist. It made me realize that there are others who have the same things going through their minds. Thanks to his music I feel like there’s still something left, since I’m still here. I’d really like to thank my old self, who decided to put the pills away, I was in my right mind then. I will try to stay strong, I’m not giving up yet. I really want to survive, because I have dreams. I’m trying to focus on them because they are my only hope at this time.

Thank you if you read this. It means a lot to me that I could somehow share my thoughts. If someone else is in the same situation as me I wish you all the best. If you’re thinking about these things, I hope you find your way back to the happiness you deserve. Thank you for your time, sorry I wasted it and  goodbye.