This is frustrating, i don’t even know what to say. I apologize about the bad language ahead. So basically I‘m all fucked up right now because of something incredibly insignificant. My sister just went shopping, asks me to help her unload the car with groceries. So she tells me to be carefull with the eggs, puts them under the hood of the trunk. She didn’t tell she put them there. But i basically crushed them. I told her i didn’t see them nor meant it (god this is just my head – but i think she feels that was the intent).
And now i’m all guiltful and shameful because to me i’ve become the toxic in the family. I don’t communicate well and its caused stress to my mom. I hate being bothered, i’ve isolated myself. I don’t really help out with family responsibilities – i am 19, i should be doing more. Basically my oldest sister who has her own family is doing responsibilities i should be doing. Its taking a toll on her, my mom – whos seeing her work this hard, while i’m here. I am the youngest, i have another sister whos studying nursing in a different city, my older brother who is a civil engineer back home, and a sister who has epilepsy. I am pathetic in their eyes and mine.
My low energy and depression is just pathetic at this point, no mincing words. I want to become a man. There is no spine here. Ive lacked the toughness throughout my life obvisiouly, and i have nobody to blame but myself. I really would’ve loved to have my dad around – the guy was busy with country liberation stuff so i have no grudge. But a father figure would’ve been nice. Maybe i wouldn’t be so soft and pathetic. I feel like this is all in my head at this point. The over shamefulness and guilt fullness and my depression too, it just doesn’t seem like the person i ought to be. But thats who i am. Even worse then you probably imagine, the lowest being an attempt at my life.
This is getting really long i am really sorry. But this is the only opportunity i have of comfortably opening up and sharing my thoughts. Basically depression has had the following effect on me.
“Depression is like a trap you wander into. Imagine you start to feel badly about yourself. And your energy declines so you’re starting to get depressed that means you’re a little more irritable with people. And they respond a little more negatively to you and you watch and see that, which makes you feel even worse about yourself. Increasing the irritability and you begin withdrawing from social contact and you become more isolated. And then you have more time to brew. And your energy falls. Then you don’t do as well at school and you attract more negative comments that knocks down yourself-esteem. Basically a cause of loop, that is continues.”
From that, the loop has made it difficult to progress and sustain a consistent strong mental state (impossible at this rate) because of my tendency to devolve into self destructive behaviour – this one is by far the most frustrating because i have no defense mechanism for it, social anxiety, really low self-esteem (adopted and accepted race and iq to define me), over guilt fullness and shamefulness. At this point i’m at the brink of dropping out of my courses because of 2 exams marks i was doing so well before those exams, fuck!. Everything has been hijacked by this. By the time i recognize i may have depression, i brush it off, thinking i would get over it – because i was just mentally strong as person. Because ive seen it first hand with my family. But that’s not what happened. It’s frustrating sitting on an island too shameful and afraid to open up.
I really don’t know anything much honestly, i am 19 therefore there’s more to life i am unaware of. I want to move forward with some spine because i cannot continue to watch myself become even more pathetic – it should have been me doing those groceries shopping dammit. That cycle i described and my overguiltfulness and shame being the biggest roadblocks. Things are not getting any better, i just see no value in myself whatsoever, the reason i wrote this is because i have become really suicidal recently, and i know i will attempt – its chilling, and heartbreaking. This is how i felt the first time i attempted. At this rate my self sabotaging will kill me.