I want to live, there for I write to you

I want to live.

The reason for it is simple – I think I can make it.
I know many who look for logical explanation and balance of good and bad. I know people who put their faith in religion only to move on and wake up each day.

I cope with my burden by writing to you guys every evening and night. Sometimes I even stay awake until every one is asleep so I could write to you.
I don’t talk to my friends, or college friends, or roommates, about how and what I feel.
I don’t think they need to know. My life experience is fucked up. I saw my uncle doing heroin, my mother trying to tie a knot on her neck. My father being an ass. I saw many things I would love to delete. Most of them are so repressed that they only haunt me at my dreams.

Eventually I barely share my situation with anyone.
And this brings trust issues for some.
I’m very intelligent when it comes to socializing, so most of people feel trust to share with me anything, but when I’m shutting up about myself, problems are starting to raise above ground.

anyway;
My name is Jac, 21 y.o [almost], I’m coming from a single parent family, with lack of money, and a lot of financial problems through the way.
My mother is responsible for the whole situation, but I can’t blame her. She would’ve never could think that her own family, or my father, would turn their backs and act so insane.

Anyway, my mother chose to “invest” in my studies. She believes in me, she wants me to even do a Master engineering and PHD. She is the only provider of our family of 3 (mom, me and big bro). So investing in my education sounds like a good plan, because right now, our financial situation is lining with a crysis.

I do my best to focus on studying and working. I also do my best to focus on my mental health. Even further, I cope with a sickness that causes severe abdominal pains.

I won’t even bring up my past, and/or talk about its complexity.

I don’t have any spare time to go out with friends
Most of my friends started hating me for working a lot or studying. They couldn’t understand why would I need to work. As if why would I have a money problem. I just hid it from them.
They didn’t find any apathy toward, they instantly got mad at me for being so “selfish” (wtf).

I don’t even start a relationship with girls that I like [and some likes me back, yeah, it happens]. Due to my lack of time, and the understandably priority scale, I don’t develop relationships [both romantic, or friendship].
Therefor, in few years, when my financial problems, will be gone, and my family will be much more calm and mentally sane/healthy, I will still lack the ability to hold relationships/friendships.

I foresee the damage done. I already had absorbed bad influence from my psychopathic family [grand parents, aunts, unlce addicted to drugs and etc]. I already was raised with out a dad, and poor, and had to deal with my own fucking bullies like a man [taught those fuckers a good lesson]. And this is just breaking me. To know that even after dealing with such an insane situations, I would still have to deal with the after affects.

And even then what? Would I be able to cope with the depression that hunts me?

Would I over come those demons in my mind ?

Would I will learn to be less violent ?

I got tired mid through that long ass post, pardon me for spelling/weird grammar and etcerta or just fuck off.

Anyway stay fucking strong, be for ever brave. Yours – Jac.

PS: I read your comments each day.