Ramble

This is my first post and I’m just here to get some stuff off my chest. I have suffered from depression for eight years and chronically for 4. I’m 24 years old and live at home because with the bills and car payment that I have I can’t afford to move out. Me and my family not have the best relationship so I’m always stuck in my room and in my head. I do have a couple friends, but for some reason even with them I push them away and still feel empty constantly. There are so many thoughts and ideas and voices in my head that I feel like I’m going crazy I can’t see any  path. I do the same things in my free time that used to bring me joy and now it seems like nothing does.  I couldn’t tell you the last time that I was actually happy or even felt happy. I just constantly have a feeling of emptiness, sadness And anxiety. I feel like no matter how hard I work it’s always one step forward and two steps back.as soon as one thing works out three other things break and fall apart. If you were looking at me you would probably think that I am happy. No one knows how bad it really is. I don’t even know how to explain what I feel. I just wish I could be normal and be happy and have tons of friends and have fun. Don’t get me wrong I do have to or  three good friends but for some reason even with push them away and feel empty. It’s not a life to live every day you’re not happy or content and no matter how hard you work and nothing comes of it. I’m so tired of feeling like this, crying .  if it wasn’t for my little brother and my grandmother id probably would’ve already been gone. But I can’t do that to them.But at the same time being miserable and sad all the time is not a life. I’ve done everything. I’ve prayed so many times not just for an answer I just a sign, I see nothing. I bend over backwards to help people and I don’t expect Anything out of it but  seems to always bite me in the ass or just make what I’m going through harder. I never in 1 million years so my life like it is right now. No one deserves to feel like this and I wouldn’t wish this upon my greatest  enemy. People just look right past me as if I’m nothing but will aknowledge me when They need something.I honestly just wish all ofThis would go away. No matter what happens to me just now that ever anyone out there who feels the same. You were not alone. Trying to get help if you can. Nothing helped me though.I’ve been on medication, taking herbal stuff, read articles and done a lot of research on how to get better and nothing worked. If anything changes maybe I’ll post and update