Here I Go Again {push back the pain}

I wake up to aching sound of my phone buzzing beside me. I reach for it in pure emotional agony, immediately pressing snooze. As I try to stir out of my groggy state, my mind is blank, and can only think of my exhausted body. I tried to open my eyes but they felt as if they weighed a ton, I tried to lift my arm but it’d fallen limp at my side; given up, I let myself relax just for one more moment… I’m abruptly woken up by my phone buzzing once more. Here I go again… I go through the same, process of getting myself to sit up-right, but as expected, I fail once more. Giving myself one last chance, I think to myself “If I just rest for one more moment, my body will rejuvenate and I’ll get up for sure”.  I allow myself to shut my eyes and rest once more, except, I’d forgotten to press snooze and instead dismissed the alarm.

Here I go again… except this time, my rude awakening is brought to you by my father yelling at me for being asleep- what a wonderful way to start my morning. The ringing of his voice sends waves of anger through my body and forces me to roll out of bed, along with my eyes. I drag myself through my morning routine, with nothing on my mind but how to rush out of the house quicker. I’m reminded of myself as I change into my clothes for the day, as my bare skin briefly comes into view. Though I’d only glanced at it for less than a second, the lines on my wrist nag at my brain for its attention. I quickly push away any thoughts to the back of my mind and proceed with shoving all my things into my bag and hurrying out of the house. Here I go again… with my bag in hand, probably forgetting something in the house, rushing out at top speed but still ending up late for class. I go through my day ignoring me, but the roughness on my wrist as my skin brushes on the material of my sweater reminds me briefly of me. When my sleeves aren’t long enough to stretch past my hands, with sudden movements, it inches up my arm and reminds me again of myself.

Today, I am unable to display too much enthusiasm for life, so I gladly drown myself in music to avoid conversation. I think of all the things I have to do and feel a wave of panic overcome me, but I quickly push that to the side so I need not think of it in the moment. As the day passes it’s time to head back home. I walk through the front door of my house and am immediately greeted by the pressing, angering tone of my mother telling me study. With barely a “hello”, I immediately head for my room where I can obtain some momentary peace. Some time passes, then the same voice, rings through the house, yelling at me to study and that I am never going to succeed if I don’t do what she says. I feel a wave of anger wash over me once again as she continues to yell at me things to do and study, with no regard to anything else. She’s a raging storm that is constantly over the ocean- never ending, violent, and loud. It’s almost as though she doesn’t need to breathe as there is no end to her words.

{end part one}