I’m not going to kill myself.

I will not kill myself no matter how much I want to. I couldn’t do it the people I love and to the very few people who would actually care if I die. The one that I am staying here for the most is my cat Tinkerbell. I love her more than I knew was even possible to love anyone. I cry many nights because I know she is getting older and that she will eventually die too. The day she dies I will cry so much and I won’t stop. I think I will drown myself in tears. It makes me miserable thinking about it.

Although I am not going to kill myself, I definitely want to harm myself ways more than one. I cut myself but not very often. I go through rough patches where I will cut everyday for about a week or two. Other than that I eat way too much. I can’t stand it. I literally just eat and dont stop even when I’m full. Then I try to stop or starve myself but unfortunately I can’t do it. I would rather be anorexic than as fat and utterly ugly I am right now. My friends all have ideal bodies and perfect skin unlike mine. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off my face and the fat on all of my disgusting body.

Although I think about the idea of killing myself, I won’t do it. I just want myself to go through much pain.