Been on here for like the past 24 hours and slowly realizing i have no hope for getting better i’m pretty much going to always be sad. I need to get off this site and sleep, but everyone seems to tell their story when they first get on and i haven’t done that yet so here we go.
Hi, last year was the first time i cut myself and fell into my deepest depression yet. I had always been sad and felt as if something is wrong with me, hell i can’t remember 6th grade because of how painful it was. But anyway at 13 i got my first girlfriend and things were good for about a month. Then to fuck it up i got overwhelmed and cut for the first time. About a week my gf cuts and says she didn’t get the idea from me but i can’t help but feel she did. I keep cutting every night for 2 more months and she keeps cutting. Then the thought of killing myself comes into my head. Scares me so much i break down and start having more manic panic attacks and cutting deeper. I tell my gf and she forces me to get help and stop cutting. I promised but never stopped and i never shared anything in therapy. 1 month later i tell my therapist that i’m going to kill myself yet he says “you will be ok” so that night i go home and try to drown myself. I wake up in the pool face up and walk back inside and go to bed(i just recently told someone about this happening). Fast forward another month, i’m still cutting still not sleeping and my gf is getting worse and worse leaning on me to talk her out of suicide daily, she later almost cheats on me using the excuse “i was at the height of my depression”. A couple more months of this go by finally i tell her to actually tell her therapist her thoughts, she does. They tell her that she is going to go to a hospital and she is terrified and cry’s so hard and scares me. She leaves on valentines day and is gone for 2 weeks, 2 weeks where i don’t cut waiting for her to come back to a boyfriend who is clean. When she gets back she breaks up with me saying she needs a break for a bit. This crushes me and i go straight back to my knife. After about a week she seems to have gotten better and comes back to me. A couple weeks later i have serious suicidal thoughts and break up with my gf because i want to spear her the pain of having to help me. I don’t tell her why i broke up with her making her very angry. After thing calm down between us we start talking and we get back together. Finally i tell her what is going on with me and she tells me to tell the school about it. I tell them my plan and everything along with it. They send me to a hospital straight after school. I think i cried more in that week then i have in my entire life. A week of torture goes by and i get out and things pretty much get better and stay like that for a long time. Up until about a month ago. I was overwhelmed and went back to cutting after almost a year of not cutting. Now my gf is starting to distance herself but i can’t do anything because i’m to FUCKING wrapped up in my head and my thoughts. More and more suicidal thoughts keep coming in. In the past month i have tried to hang myself 2 times and both times i woke up on the ground and haven’t told anyone. I stopped taking my meds about a week ago. i don’t care anymore and i’m scared. I’m 14, i don’t think i should be thinking these things.
Anyway that’s not the whole story but i don’t want to put too much out. i know a lot of people probably didn’t read this but if you did thank you for reading. Have a nice day and don’t kill yourself tomorrow might be better.