I love my cat. I have a roof over my head and a very nice bed, even if I spend too much time in it. I have a car, and a license. I have loving friends at church, despite having been agnostic for a while now, and I see my best friend since childhood every day. There is so much to be grateful for. But I don’t think I am capable of carrying on with these mood swings for much longer. No, I’m probably not going to attempt suicide, I’m too lazy to try, but the thought of staying here for years and years is terrifying. There’s also the fact that everything is temporary, whether it be happiness, drugs, or sex (which I am incapable of accomplishing, my libido leaves much to be desired). No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I know that eventually I will plummet back down into hopelessness. I honestly don’t want to commit suicide—contradicting, isn’t it? The thing is, if I do commit suicide, that would mean that life got so bad that I was able to overcome the laziness that keeps me from doing it. Then my poor mom, bipolar and in an unhappy marriage, will likely off herself, and my aforementioned best friend will get a crippling wave of depression and that would impede her efforts of getting into a prestigious university and being a total badass. I could go on and on about how this would affect everyone, but damn what if they read this and know I’m feeling this way? I’m always telling them I’m doing good. Oh, one last thing. My cat won’t know I’m dead because we can’t talk to cats and he’ll wait for me to come home for eternity. So not today, not today.
I hope you find your reasons to live, and I hope you begin to enjoy life again.
2 comments
I talk to my cat.. she is my princess. I think she knows the command “come here honey.” pretty well. Once I was leaning off the bed and told her to “batt me in the face.” She ran over and swished at my face and then ran away. I think they understand! That leads me to another thing… I had a kitten when asked a question, now this is a true story, “Would you like a bite of ice cream?” and she replied, true story, she said out of her mouth “Yea.” I did not hear her the first time and my friend was amazed because she said a human word. So in effect, I asked her “Can you say it again?” and the kitten replied “Yeaaaaaaah!”
Kittens are amazing and they love to communicate, haha.
I love you, and this story causeofdeath.
If this isn’t enough to keep you going well I don’t know what it. I know its sad losing these things but we have had these relationships as well. We know they exist. We can have them again and we will.
Thanks for sharing.