Alive But Not Living

I’m so over life. My life has been a living hell since 2017 started but really since 2016. Every year it gets worse than the last. I have no friends. I have a lover who probably doesn’t love me back and if he does he surely doesn’t show it. As far as family goes I really have my mom, dad, and sister. I’ll never be close to my mom or dad to the point where i’d say they know me. They think they do though of course but no. My sister lives the life I’ve always wanted. I spend my days filling it in. School. Cleaning. Cooking. Shower. Netflix. I’m not living I’m finding shit to do so I can fill in my day so I won’t spend it being upset and constantly thinking on repeat how lonely this life is. I have low expectations for college. I probably will be even more depressed and stressed by the time august comes around. The way the last two years have been I don’t expect to move 3 hours away and go to a different school and have everything be okay. A year ago I probably would’ve. I remember telling myself to wait until college because things will be different but now I look back and wonder how I was able to convince myself that that’s true. It’ll be a wonder if I even make it to august with the crazy thoughts going on in my head and an even bigger wonder if college doesn’t totally turn into shit for me. Now to spend the next 4-5 months sitting here rotting away and doing my same cycle week by week wondering if this is all my life will ever be.