Decay

My life is going fine, but my mental state is deteriorating.

I feel myself getting more and more paranoid. I keep getting weirder and more horrific intrusive thoughts. Some of them I can’t even say. Some of them are ones that make me do odd things, like, “If you don’t wash your hands for exactly 20 seconds you will kill everyone in the world.”

My depression and anxiety are getting worse. I’m relapsing constantly in self harm. I want to cut deeper but I always end up pussying out of it, out of fear of receiving more pain than I want to give myself.

I feel like I’m withering like a dead rose. The petals have hardened and one wrong touch will send me crumbling.

Not a day goes by now where I don’t think about killing myself. I feel like it’ll be my way out of this misery because I won’t be able to get professional help until I move out, and that won’t be for probably another 4-5 years at the least. I’m afraid I won’t be fixable by then. Stress from college is stressing me out too. I’m only 17.

I just want the pain to end. I want the voices to stop. I want the suffering to stop. I want to be normal. I want to feel sane. I want to feel mentally healthy and strong. Right now I am brittle.

Please stop.