Everyday is a challenge when you hate the entity that created such an awful self. A self that hates itself! Why is this even a thing that can exist? A creature, a thing called a human, that can develop a self that wants to not exist while simultaneously having an atavistic survival instinct? This has to be hell.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
Why do you hate yourself? Have you earned that hatred? Or is it something that you find your mind doing without intending it?
I can only assume, as a reader of your posts, “earned” might mean self-hatred as a form of penance due to the guilt felt because of a past unforgivable wrong? If so, no, my self-hatred wasn’t earned, it was bestowed. Cowardice, dishonesty, hatred, cruelty. All old childhood survival tactics and coping mechanisms branded onto my self which flow freely and importantly, unconsciously, from me. The self-hatred is sober second thought when I look in the mirror.
I guess that change is possible, but may be constrained by the self that wishes it could be otherwise. Cowardice & dishonesty are often perfectly understandable responses to this reality. Attempts to overcome them are admirable but far from the norm. Hatred & cruelty are equally common responses, though it’s more important to limit their influence on your actions.
But regardless of your capacity to change these aspects of your self, what purpose is served by observing these traits and then hating yourself? Does self-hatred make you better than you would be without it? Or does it give you greater cause for fear, avoidance, resentment & anger? Could sober reflection introduce a little understanding and forgiveness instead?
It’s the default feeling upon self-reflection and admittedly there is some semblance of catharsis in it, like suicidal ideation and reading/posting on here. But, it does me no good in the long run, I know this intellectually but can’t stop it. I’ve tried and continue to try to unlearn, come to terms, understand, forgive but it’s effort and sometimes I can’t even try. I feel like collapsing under the weight of it all. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I feel like it’s not worth it and this is when I’m closest to the big exit.
I get it. All you can do is follow the ways forward that seem open to you, when you have the will to do so, and hope that over time your thinking will gradually shift. I feel similarly much of the time. It’s frustrating to realize when you’re struggling, but all you can do is hold on until you have the energy to try a little more. Of course you are the only one who can decide if it’s worth it.