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How I Discovered I Have Depression

by ashittyperson

I was 14 when I transferred to a high school. My life took a 360 turn when I went there because it brought me a whole lot of pressure. A new kind of pressure. I was an honor student. I had friends. But inside the classroom was different. It was a competition–a heavy one.

When I was a kid, I was an overachiever. My parents always encouraged me to be one of the honors. But when I went to this particular high school, everything seemed different. The learning environment of our school is unhealthy. It was too difficult for me. My parents have big expectations and I’m afraid to tell them that I’m tired and I just want to take a break from everything. I’m afraid to tell them that I don’t want to meet their expectations because school is suffocating me. I’m afraid that I would disappoint them. Because without my grades, I’m nothing. I can’t do shit without those numbers. I’m nobody without those numbers. That time, I realized that I was nothing.

At that time, I was so confused. I didn’t eat due to much stress. I didn’t have time to take care of myself. I stayed inside my room. And at that time, I didn’t realize that I was drifting away from my friends and family. I cut off everyone from communicating because I feel so tired talking to someone and faking my sadness like I want them to help me but I’m embarrassed of what I’m feeling. I didn’t know how to bring everything back. Me drifting away from everyone was seen as what a shitty person would do.

I was so confused at myself. I started to feel useless since I feel like nobody understands me. I felt like everybody left me. I cry myself every night hoping that I would feel better waking up. I was still restless. I was so tired. I didn’t have the motivation to anything. After waking up, I would whisper to myself ‘why am i still alive?’ It was so difficult. I was so miserable. I lost weight and I became unhealthily skinny.

At that time, I didn’t know I had depression. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone felt that way. I thought that this was just a problem that I could solve. But I was wrong. The sadness grew inside me as I kept quiet about it. I didn’t want to tell anyone–even my family members. I was ashamed.

I was ashamed that they would think of me as selfish. They would think of me as ungrateful. Or just wanting attention. They would think that I just focus too much on the negative side. And I also hate dramatic moments. I hate it when someone sees me crying. It just feels uncomfortable to me.

The thing I did was to put on a normal face. I tried to be a nice person to everyone. I really wanted to be a nice person yet they still think I’m shitty. Someone said that I don’t care about everyone because I am an ‘ignorant fucktard.’ They still spread rumors and gossips about me and it hurts. It really hurts. I just want to disappear.

There’s this one time where I’ve had enough of everything. I was crying so hard. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I was just so done of keeping everything a secret. All of the tears that I’ve been keeping has now been let out. I was remembering every shitty thing that I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about suicide and for me, it was the right thing to do.

I went out of our house. I sneaked. I walked for hours on the street. My feet hurt a lot but I didn’t care. I kept walking. I walked myself to the beach. I just wanted to drown myself. After a few hours, Papa texted me, asking where I am. Everyone was calling from my cellphone. Even my friends.

Papa saw me crying and he asked why. I couldn’t find an answer. I just felt so down at the moment. I was too broken to speak. He hugged me at that time. He kept quiet about it. My never spoke about it the next day. The house was quiet. I went to school the next day. My friends talked to me about it. As soon as they cried while hugging me, I broke down. We were at the back part of our school. We reconnected there. Filled the missing gaps.

After a few weeks, Mama talked to me about it. It was good that they gave me space. Finally, I could speak everything about it. I opened up about how hard school was for me, how I felt so different after creating a distance between everybody, and how I didn’t want them to be disappointed. After the talk, I felt lighter than usual.

To the present, I am trying to be a better person. I don’t want to be shitty. I don’t want to be an ignorant fucktard. I am still recovering right now. I’m trying to gain weight and I’m learning how to play guitar. Hopefully, I could make my parents proud by overcoming this.

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1 comment

Nanika 4/8/2018 - 12:38 am

Hi, I suffered bullying at school, but since people recognized my intelligence I was abke to have some friends at school, when I went to high school I also suffered bullying but I made friends since I was able to find people who liked to study, in college no bullying and I loved the grouo of studies I had, my grades wasn’t top because I never wanted to be in top, a school friend was intrigued because on the day of the exam I decided to olay video games insteqd of studying, and I was abke to get a higher grade.

Don’t be stressed about it, school is not place to prove anything, you do that on college, and in life.

My life turned out as yours after college, I got betrayed, I helped people to get grades vut after graduation everybody left me, I ended uo alone.

I’m a self-employed person, and I sometimes fall in depression.
It’s been 3 weeks now that I stopped working. I have some overdue works to do, but since costumers are jot paying I’m delaying.
Just did a few works fir those who paid in this 3 weeks.
Being left behind when you thought those friends from college with the same interests when they requested my company during studies or tonsit by my side in the exams so i could help them cheating is horrible.

I want to find a job a leave my carrier behind, I fell lonely.

Take advantage of this time.
Do things for yourself, don’t let anyone decide for you, except thwt you have to go to school no matter what, if the environment is not health find a way to block it, during the break go to the library, read a book, improve yourself, find a secret place for you alone if you don’t have friends there.
Take a deeo brrath, school is terrible because people value status more than intelligence, but in the end the world belongs to the smarts no the fcktards.
You can do it.

If I could turn back time, even with all the bullying I woukd love to go back to school, I felt alive.
If I had a partner to work with me my life would have been much better by now, and I wouldn’t even have found this site, but since I lack of emotional intelligence, even with an intelligence above average, I don’t fit anywhere in society.

Don’t let it destroy you. You need to reach the age of 18 to experience freedom, I’m 33 years old and life was at its greatest during my twenties.
Before it was terrible and now it’s still terrible, but in my twenties I was very very happy, I had a wife, i bought my car, i finished college, but after that it looks like as if nothing has changed, having a degree didn’t make a difference.
I hope your life turns out to be much better.

Good luck keep on fighting, suicide will always be an option and a last resource, thinking like this helps a lot coz you don’t need to be afraid we can always kill ourselves any time any place.
You are young and full of life, your kind tells you that you don’t have the strength to go on but your body is health and shows you that it can stand for a long time.


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