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I almost killed myself

by Clownfeet

Last Friday I nearly killed myself. I have been spiralling worse and worse over the last couple of years. 2 years ago my best friend killed himself, and it has amplified and set my pre-existing depressive feelings out of control. I have been cracking down the last couple of weeks, drinking heavily and doing drugs. On Friday I got really drunk and split off from my friends. A few hours later, at around 3a.m I walked toward the local river. I stood on a the bridge over the slight drop into the water, just looking at first. It was very pretty. Then I started thinking how easily I could just jump facefirst into the rocks and let the water drown me. It wasn’t a huge drop, but I know with enough force against those rocks it could be enough to maybe knock me unconscious. And I stood there, for what must have been an hour, just one slight motion from the jump. It felt like a dream, but a really sweet dream where I finally get to sleep peacefully. I eventually snapped out of it, acknowledging the damage my friend’s suicide had caused me, our other friends, and his family, and knowing I don’t want to do that to my friends again.

It was scary, and after I started to cry, realising how close I came. I dunno why I posted here, I just feel I need to acknowledge this as something that happened.

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5 comments

laelaps 4/29/2018 - 10:33 pm

Thank you for sharing. May your friend be at peace finally and may you possibly find peace at not doing that deed. I hope you see better days and stay tuned in order to do so! <3

Clownfeet 4/30/2018 - 3:35 am

Thank you. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and respond.

lifeofme 4/30/2018 - 1:27 pm

I also lost my bestfriend to Suicide, he walked into a train. I missed his call 6 times because I blocked his number, my boyfriend at the time was jealous so I tried to please him by blocking him. Later on that night, I got the call that he was dead. I’ve spiraled way down, I don’t wanna die but sometimes it feels like I should because of my actions near the end of my best friends life and how I failed him. How do you cope with it

mountaingoat 4/30/2018 - 7:47 pm

That’s what you get for letting someone else’s paranoia control you

Clownfeet 5/1/2018 - 2:51 pm

I had a fight with mine, and for the space of about a year we rarely ever talked. I found out one morning that he had o.d’d on his antidepressants the night before, and walked off a ledge, over rocks. I know what you mean about the feelings of failing them, and guilt. Over the “what ifs”, and whether we could have prevented it or not. What drove me to the brink the other night, was the reemergence of these recurring nightmares about him. I don’t think it’s possible to just cope.

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