I almost killed myself

April 29th, 2018by Clownfeet

Last Friday I nearly killed myself. I have been spiralling worse and worse over the last couple of years. 2 years ago my best friend killed himself, and it has amplified and set my pre-existing depressive feelings out of control. I have been cracking down the last couple of weeks, drinking heavily and doing drugs. On Friday I got really drunk and split off from my friends. A few hours later, at around 3a.m I walked toward the local river. I stood on a the bridge over the slight drop into the water, just looking at first. It was very pretty. Then I started thinking how easily I could just jump facefirst into the rocks and let the water drown me. It wasn’t a huge drop, but I know with enough force against those rocks it could be enough to maybe knock me unconscious. And I stood there, for what must have been an hour, just one slight motion from the jump. It felt like a dream, but a really sweet dream where I finally get to sleep peacefully. I eventually snapped out of it, acknowledging the damage my friend’s suicide had caused me, our other friends, and his family, and knowing I don’t want to do that to my friends again.

It was scary, and after I started to cry, realising how close I came. I dunno why I posted here, I just feel I need to acknowledge this as something that happened.

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