Would you confront your boyfriend if you think he had developed some feelinhgs for a new female friend? He looked really jealous when she was cuddling up with HER boyfriend?
I feel like im always paranoid about this and seeking reassurance from him. I dont know if it will do any good?
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You do what will bring you peace
Yes confront him, but do it in a very calm way and no matter what happens don’t show your anger.
If he has feelings for her, he’ll probably get embarrassed that you called him out, and he’ll try to cover by getting angry at you and trying to start a fight. If you fight back, he wins because that’ll justify his anger in his mind.
But if you remain calm no matter what, then he’ll feel stupid for overreacting. It may take a while but it’ll sink in.
There’s also a chance that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. Then it’s good you remained calm so it can get sorted out.
Third possibility is he has feelings for her but he denies it without reacting to you. Then he’s really sneaky and you should watch out. But at least that puts him on notice that you’re onto him.
In any case it’s a good thing that you bring this up early (before he might cheat) because things can still be smoothed out. Most people, like me, wait until it’s obvious the other person is cheating. At that point you can’t fix anything and it’s over.
I’ve asked him if he had a little crush on her. But he got defensive and made out it was a silly question cause she had a boyfriend. He never answered the question. In my mind he has a small amount of feelings for her.. even if he’s not prepared to admit it to himself
Wow tricky situation. You’re probably right he won’t even admit it to himself, much less to you. You’ve already let him know that it’s a problem but if he won’t admit it, there’s not much more you can do without badgering him. In his mind he would start thinking you’re smothering him and that would push him away. At the same time I totally get the need for reassurance. This might make things worse but do you have any male friends you can talk to?
heads I win, tails you lose.
how many times have you asked him this about different females? if it’s been a lot I could see him being frustrated as opposed to defensive.
how many times have you hung out with this new friend? id see it as a ridiculous question too considering everyone involved is in a committed relationship. does he act differently?
you asked but in your mind you don’t believe him so what was the point in asking anyway? and saying he’s in denial about it just gives you more reason to worry about something that is probably a nonissue and also moves the focus away from why you feel insecure.
if he’s given due cause for worry in the past I might understand but if he personally has not and its just in your head then it’s something you need to work through.
freeroma I think you missed what she said. When she asked him if he has feelings for the other girl he didn’t answer and instead made it out to be a stupid question. Think of when a reporter asks Trump if he had an affair with Stormy Daniels and Trump answers “FAKE NEWS” which is neither yes or no. It’s typical evasive guilty behavior.
I did see that, and the part up top where she said she’s always paranoid and seeking reassurance. if this is something she constantly needs assurance for regarding any female regardless of involvement, there’s some reassessment that needs to happen.
She said: “I feel like im always paranoid ABOUT THIS.”
If I say “I think my roommate stole my wallet and I’m paranoid about this” are you going to assume that means I’m clinically paranoid? I suggest you are embellishing her situation with aspects of your own life. On a support site like this, it’s best to be objective. Victim shaming is not cool. No need to reply, this isn’t about you.
I took THIS in a broad sense towards females. you took it towards this individual. perhaps I’m wrong.
Either way, OP knows which. and either way, if she keeps bringing it up there’s an issue that needs resolved. the keep needing reassured implies its something that has already been brought up with him. and in that case, I would understand a dismissal of the question as ridiculous.
And I could, depending on the situation. no one is clinically paranoid based on one experience and i’m not implying that.
I suggest I’m going off the (somewhat scarce) details in this post. not victim shaming and yes trying to be objective, as in not assuming the OP’s suspicions are automatically correct.
of course it isn’t about me, but you addressed me.
*I’d understand the dismissal if he’s already addressed the topic.
@freeroma @no-one you are right that there’s been other females in the past I’ve been worried about. You’re right too that it could be frustration.
Well I brought it up again because i couldnt sleep and kept having flashbacks. maybe a good/bad idea i dont know?. It was subjective this time.. i added in what i thought and felt. And he just said ‘you’re reading too much into this”. Then I was filled with guilt and self loathing
So that’s that. There’s no reason to bring it up any more, unless there’s information that pops up that sends some red flags. I havent added in everything in here but I still feel a little hurt by what I heard/saw. Perhaps he’s right. I’ll just have to deal with it I suppose. He must just be one of those guys that gets along well with women.. and likes being a little bit flirty/cheeky with them when he gets close to them. This trust was an issue in my last relationshop but i know for a fact he enjoyed making me jealous and putting the blame on me.. on one occasion even ‘setting up’ a scenario so he had a reason to break up with me. Implying he had cheated but not telling me who.i feel like that’s carried across.
I think there’s a lot of strain in my current relationship .. not just from this issue. I’ve had concerns about intimacy in the past and him saying in the past he didn’t feel attached to me but only in the sense he wouldn’t be a sad mess if it didn’t work out.
I feel like I’m the problem. I feel I’m too sensitive who causes me to speak out or bottle it up.. But then I hate myself when I realise I was making a big deal.. so my self worth drops, which makes me feel more sensitive. Its a vicious cycle. Right now I’m thinking I’m the worst possible person to date.
And that he should just break up with me cause I’m a mess. I don’t love me. Don’t know why anyone would.
Sigh.
I think for your own sake you had to bring it up, but I also think this is something you need outside help with because it’s going to keep returning as an issue. and.. sigh. the fact you have issues is not something you should feel guilt or hate over, because you had a valid reason to get that mindset.. it’s just something that affects your life in a negative way.
If he knows your past, he should be understanding about it, but there’s also a limit on how much a person can help, or take. and it’s not anyone’s fault. Maybe he is a bit cheeky, but if he never goes beyond that you should be ok. I know a couple people who have that type of personality but still remain faithful.. I’m not sure if they’re even aware of what they do to be honest.
as for that last comment.. feelings develope at different rates, and maybe the fact he could still carry on afterwards isn’t the worst thing. I’d think if he wasn’t invested you two wouldn’t have been dating past that.
I apologize if I misread this.
You aren’t the problem because you have problems. And to be honest, no matter the type of relationship each person carries their own baggage.
As for love, sometimes it’s easier for an outside person to see the qualities that the self-hate tends to overshadow.
Besides, you don’t date someone expecting them to be perfect. and no one needs a fairweather friend, either platonic or romantic. You just have to work at keeping yourself in balance, and trying to figure out when to reach out to who. Messes don’t happen on their own, and people have an easier time getting to the other side with help.
Seems like you don’t really trust him. I wouldn’t trust someone who isn’t upfront and truthful either.
The hard truth of the matter is… until the source of the early-formed insecurity/need for reassurance that has repeatedly become an issue in the past is dealt with on an individual level (likely therapy would help)…any relationship will have you in doubt and your partner getting defensive/pulling away. You are not to blame, you’re just a product of experience like everyone else…but when those experiences influence our reactions in negative, harmful ways…we owe it to ourselves to work to create new habits that often take conscious ex self-realizations of ingrained behaviors. This often is rigorous work and a lot of the tools/venting processes needed come through therapy.
Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but it’s the truth.
Sincerely,
Atlas