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the nothingness

by wasd

hi,

i’m 37, lives with my mother. i’m addicted to buprenorphin (substitute for heroin) and crack.

i work half time in a office as an IT. when i get back from work all i do is watch movies and tv shows on my pc.

i stay up all night. i want out already. i cant cry. i cant get myself to open up and talk about my dreary existence. ppl loves me for some reason, i try to be nice and i know i am attentive and sensitive to others. its so weird, its like the opposite of how i treat myself.

its not like wanting to die, its a need to feel alive, to feel something differently, to “defrost” maybe. to find a tiny reason or motivation. a strength to keep “alive”.

its not about the drugs (or the lack of), its something much deeper and darker. i use drugs to dull the pain. unsuccessfully.

i’m out of words but never out of the sharp, constant pain.

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10 comments

clipped-wings 4/28/2018 - 6:22 pm

wads, how long have you been an addict? It’s a tough road you’re on. I’m sorry.

clipped-wings 4/28/2018 - 6:34 pm

Sorry wasd.

wasd 4/28/2018 - 7:27 pm

i began smoking weed daily at 15. at age 20 started drinking – not everyday but in binge style i guess. i needn’t tell you that antidepressants dont mix well with booze so i went berserk and found myself in a psychiatric hospital for six months. after that i began to despise pdocs and psychologists that only made everything worse – wrongly diagnosed me and suddenly my depression turned into “bipolar” and “personality disorder” the new drug protocol turned my already chaotic life into a waking nightmare – i feel like i lost myself then. all this malady and frustration from this traumatic hospitalization led me to heroin and cocaine, but it took some time for me to get hooked. i still hide my addiction the best i can but my teeth are crooked and i get this severe mood swings (side effect from prescription drugs i think). i think my mom knows but shes my mom so i think shes in denial.. for the last 6 years im on subutex and as i wrote in the previous post one year into crack..

laelaps 4/28/2018 - 6:44 pm

You have a purpose for being on this earth

wasd 4/28/2018 - 7:28 pm

i wish i had your confidence…

laelaps 4/28/2018 - 11:08 pm

I wish I could hug you. You have to understand that finding a purpose is sooo damn hard because it’s constantly changing. It’s not about confidence, in my opinion, it’s about optimism.

born.loser 4/28/2018 - 6:58 pm

You have a job in IT. How come you can’t move out and find a place on your own. I’m 31 still living with my parents. But the only reason why I’m still here is because I haven’t found a full time job yet

wasd 4/28/2018 - 7:35 pm

the reason is not financial but maybe lack of confidence and no motivation whatsoever.. also everything looks real hard – leaving my elderly mother alone (to pay rent which she cant without me chipping in ), the fear that my reality wouldn’t change for the better etc. etc.

WOODESITY 4/28/2018 - 7:05 pm

i only smoke weed and maybe drink once in awhile but it makes me cry and it’s really heavy, so i only smoke weed now and i know that at some point I’m stoned and can’t care about anything and when i stopped smoking for about year it wasn’t any better but worse because of my panic attacks and soc anxiety and now it’s finally legal here but still buying from my dealer, so I’ve gone deep i guess, And one more thing I’d say do you really need that drug for pain? As you see that problem, and not so effective, i believe i know that drug can mess up ur brain and especially if u overdose and get high, and really what i think i know so far I’v done More research on meds and otc meds as methods, i had friend and he was 18 and addicted to alcohol and other meds and he told me that he was addicted to heroin and how his friends locked him in house and things like that, long ago, and i only had dymedrol once i was drunk and remember talking someone in my room in dark all night long and second day i was dehydrated and so so heavy and i really didn’t liked that experience and i never did it until just few days ago but i went to sleep, i never tried those drugs but I’d use them to overdose,

Mordred 4/29/2018 - 6:27 pm

It’s been a long time since I’ve used any drugs at all, so I can’t comment on this post really. But I used to know an addict–she was a good friend of mine, for a time.

I’m sorry about your pain. I hope you heal. Please don’t give up on hope.

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