the nothingness

  April 28th, 2018 by wasd

hi,

i’m 37, lives with my mother. i’m addicted to buprenorphin (substitute for heroin) and crack.

i work half time in a office as an IT. when i get back from work all i do is watch movies and tv shows on my pc.

i stay up all night. i want out already. i cant cry. i cant get myself to open up and talk about my dreary existence. ppl loves me for some reason, i try to be nice and i know i am attentive and sensitive to others. its so weird, its like the opposite of how i treat myself.

its not like wanting to die, its a need to feel alive, to feel something differently, to “defrost” maybe. to find a tiny reason or motivation. a strength to keep “alive”.

its not about the drugs (or the lack of), its something much deeper and darker. i use drugs to dull the pain. unsuccessfully.

i’m out of words but never out of the sharp, constant pain.

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