i’m 37, lives with my mother. i’m addicted to buprenorphin (substitute for heroin) and crack.
i work half time in a office as an IT. when i get back from work all i do is watch movies and tv shows on my pc.
i stay up all night. i want out already. i cant cry. i cant get myself to open up and talk about my dreary existence. ppl loves me for some reason, i try to be nice and i know i am attentive and sensitive to others. its so weird, its like the opposite of how i treat myself.
its not like wanting to die, its a need to feel alive, to feel something differently, to “defrost” maybe. to find a tiny reason or motivation. a strength to keep “alive”.
its not about the drugs (or the lack of), its something much deeper and darker. i use drugs to dull the pain. unsuccessfully.
i’m out of words but never out of the sharp, constant pain.