Times are hard again

I’ve managed to fake my way a lot lately. I’m happy at work, I am acting with a positive attitude and outlook with those I interact with. Colleagues are liking me again. I even went for lunch to a Chinese restaurant today. Sometimes I actually feel genuinely happy. Knowing all along that I’m living a lie. When I’m alone during my smoke break, I mutter the words kill me, kill me, kill me over and over again. I’ve been stalking this site for few weeks now, it could actually be months because I’ve lost track of time and memory is shot to bits again. So I know my depression is back. Internally, I pray and hope each day is my last. Externally, I couldn’t be happier. The fact that I’m writing this post is huge indication that I am not well right now. I’m living each second and each day at a time like it’s my last. Not caring for the future. The future is non existent right now. I’m not paying bills because of this. Instead I’m burdening myself with debts with loans and credit card spending money on takeaway and alcohol. I comfort eat. Thankfully its not on drugs or poker this time. But I sense that will follow soon, but I hope not to. I’ve stopped talking to my family and visiting them. It’s been 2 months. They text and call and I ignore them. Even when my uncle passed away last week I ignored them. Also, I’ve been getting strange sensations in my head. I like to think they are strokes. Mini strokes that will eventually lead to a big one. My dad had a stroke. He lost he’s speech. His words would come out garbled. He was on disability after that. I would much prefer to die then to end up like him. But if I did end up like him, at least I would have a good reason for being a waster. Right now, I have no reason to be a loser. However, I am a loser. Because I’m weak.