I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost six years now, the whole time undiagnosed and I would hide it. I’ve tried to act normal but the whole time I was slowly falling apart piece by piece. I started self harming, although I’ve felt like for a long time it didn’t qualify as self harm because it wasn’t cutting. Now I know better, but it’s been a hard thing to deal with. I’ve had a lot of self hate and when I was younger I was mentally abused to the point that I thought I was useless and that everyone else would be better off if I just disappeared.
More recently my parents discovered the suicidal ideation that I’ve been dealing with for almost three years now. They put me into a mental hospital, where I got out after two days. I started meeting with a psychiatrist who gave me meds. The meds have helped, but something else is wrong too. A friend of mine called it “mental illness Stockholm syndrome”. Living like I want to die and hiding how I feel all the time has been my life and the only meaning of my life has been to die. Now that’s started to fade, and instead of feeling better I feel as though I have no purpose in life anymore. I’ve also suffered from a long time from something that may be disassociative personality disorder, seeing that I’m always viewing my life like I’m just watching someone below and controlling their actions like a puppet master. My name doesn’t even feel right. I’ve moved around a bit and that’s been really hard because I have severe social anxiety and I have a really hard time making friends. I know that my life is actually pretty good and I should be so so grateful for everything that I have. And yet my life is still feeling like it’s falling to pieces. The problem is I’m scared of dying because I’m scared of people being hurt by my death. And every night I fall asleep wishing I could just disappear and never return. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking, but some days I’m pretty sure even if I did just die it would be as if I had never existed at all.
1 comment
that last thought really is wishful thinking, unfortunately. at least for the ones left behind.
you can be grateful for what you have and still be miserable; depression isn’t always related to circumstance. and yeah, you get used to wanting to die and then the opposite leaves you with a what now thought.
normal may not be the right term to describe it.. everyone wants to pretend things are fine usually, or not that bad. I hope you don’t feel you have to hide as much as you did before, though.