why not me?

Does life really even matter if its just one up hill battle, one constant struggle to the next day. It’s becoming to be like torture to me I just can’t take it anymore I’m so fed up with all that life has to offer. Which at this point isn’t much at all other then a place to lay my head in a land mine of broken dreams and where hopelessness resides. Counting the pain staking moments where there is a little bit of happiness that comes to him. A light of a cigarette and a joke is told behind the makeup of a clown who looks like one of us, who looks like he is ok and smiling and happy but on the inside he is breaking down and crying. He cracks jokes to make everyone else laugh and smile, while on the inside he is slowly dying. He wishes death would take him in his sleep because he just can’t take it. He reaches out for a helping hand and he grabs onto nothing but sharded glass, so he picks that up and uses that to cut. He figures since he can’t verbalize what he is feeling on the inside then at least this might help him. So he writes on his arms like an artist who just found some inspiration. He gets blood lust in his hyper manic rage. Just wishing someone was there to lie to him and to tell him that everything would be ok. His hands and body shakes like a washing machine on a spin cycle kind of like his life really. One big cycle of jails, institutions, and near death experiences. A life where he takes two steps forward and five steps back never really getting anywhere just stuck. Always stuck. Never having nice things in life because it seems as thought it’s just not meant to be and when something good does happen he can never hold on to it for too long. Its like he has a tattoo on his forehead that says “damaged goods”. Its like everyone in his life has always been so willing to throw him away so willing to just walk away and let someone else deal with him. From his parents to his brothers and sisters. Its like no one wants him other then the dope man who is more then willing to show him love in the ways that only someone in his position would. When he cant get ahold of anyone to talk to the dope man picks up on the very first ring, he calms him down and tells him that he has something to take that will get rid of all that pain. That even if he doesn’t have the money that he can “put him on the arm.” So he takes him up on that offer and uses just one more time but this time he wishes death would just give him that final sweet kiss goodbye but this time just like the other times that he tries to kill himself comes out the very same way like the rest of them do. He put the drugs down only to realize that he didn’t die. That god has kept him here for some purpose. He just wises he would know why he is still here and why he would rather take his friends and loved ones but not him. So feeling rejected the little boy inside of him is hurt again. Crying outside inside of him like a baby who is crying for the first time in his life. It takes him back to the times when he was a little boy who just waned to go over his aunts house and feel special for just one moment but inside his sister would get chosen over him every time. It takes him back to the pain of just not feeling good enough. So he asks god why, why would you take my family members and loved ones and not me. He feels broken on the inside feeling like once again he isn’t even good enough for god, for what other reason would there be that he would take him but rather he would take his friends and loved ones around him. Even some that where around the same age as him if not younger. Confusion quickly turns into rage and anger. Frustrated at what has just occurred and he starts breaking everything in sight till he cannot break anything anymore. He grows weak, his lungs long for air as his body shakes and trembles from all the energy that he has exerted in the moment of anger and torment. He sits on his bed and thinks about his life, as he lays there he finds him self getting ever more tired, his eyes slowly get heaver and heaver. He kicks his shoes off and decided to take a nap and start a new tomorrow.