iv’e never been one to get upset when I do bad in exams etc. I am currently doing my a-level exams and I know I’ve failed them all. just because I’ve failed them is not why I have failed at life. I am a closeted 18 year old lesbian who cannot come out to her family. eventually my plan was to get a good job go to uni and hopefully get into a relationship and after uni be successful in a successful job and relationship, that way when I tell my family I’m gay and they don’t accept me ill already have a successful life and have people in my life who accept me. now by failing my a-levels I’ll never get to go to uni meet someone and have successful job. I’ll probably end up killing myself if I can’t be happy in life what is the point of living, if I don’t go to uni how will I ever make likeminded friends and meet likeminded individuals how will I ever be accepted. I know some people say stuff like uni isn’t everything but I don’t want to work in some retail job for the rest of my life going out for drinks with 40yr old women and relying on dating apps for my love life.
when I was 13 I told my self if life doesn’t get better by 16 I’ll kill myself, my life didn’t get better but it got manageable, I had distractions. now I have no distractions and am constantly reminded I’m a failure both of siblings are successful lawyer and banker and the other at a grammar school but I’ve never been smart I feel like I have no place I am an anomaly that needs to be gotten rid of. I don’t add anything to anyones life so what’s the point of being here if I’m just punishing myself. I now I’ll never be who I want to be in life its not fair that some people can have it all and others nothing. what did I do wrong. I’ve tried to kill my self at least 3 times but failed every time the last time I tried was just over a year ago by overdosing I thought it worked. I had come home from school and was feeling so empty I took so many pills. couldn’t take anymore i began to get so hot and dizzy and called my sister but she didn’t pick up, I passed out for like 30 minutes and was so disappointed because I was still alive and no one was home I then began throwing up continuously and that was when my family got home so I couldn’t even take more pills it was so funny cause everyone just thought I had food poisoning but I didn’t I failed again I couldn’t even kill myself. I have it planned this time now I know how I want to go there’s no point lining my life as a lie, feeling sick being in my body why am I even surviving I make myself sick I am a failure nothing good will ever happen to be or come out of me living. no one is ever going to love me, why would they o make myself sick I am disgusting .
2 comments
That’s what I wanted too, A good job and relationship. I failed at life as well 🙁
I read your post and wanted to tell you I have gone through these feelings too. Don’t give up. I’m 48 and also a lesbian. I just wanted to die and have had feelings of worthlessness my whole life. I met a wonderful woman 24 years ago, and although my life is not perfect, I never dreamt I could be as happy as I am now. Please don’t kill yourself. Even if you don’t go to uni, you can still fund happiness. I promise you. Being content takes work and struggle. Be at peace with yourself. It is achieveable. You are worthy of love. Find a job or hobby where you can give love and compassion to others. There is where you will find fulfillmemt.