Had a really really really bad weekend that has capped off a hellish month after a pretty shitty several years… I was as close to suicide as Ive ever been in my life.. I texted my parents I loved them and that I was sorry.. Asked someone to come get my dog and was entirely ready.. I think the only thing that stopped me was I couldnt figure out a reliable method and I was so exhausted I ended up just falling asleep. Im still not sure Im past it to be honest.
The day after I found out a friend of mine had killed herself that same night, and Im finding myself dwelling on it a lot.. in really morbid ways. Everyone else is really distraught and I feel bad for family and loved ones and hate that she was somehow so sad it got to that point but.. at the same time.. I almost envy her.. I wonder where she found the strength/courage to go through with it. I wonder how she did it sucessfully. And I wonder if Ill have the strength to do the same soon.
I know life has ups and downs etc.. but Im just in so much damn pain and Im so so so damn tired. I just want it all to stop, and I wish I had the courage/ability to make it happen