I tried to shoot myself

I bought a Glock19. Went under the bridge on the river at 5 AM. Went into river, about knee deep, so that if the shot won’t kill me, I would still die from drowning, if I fall. Put the gun to my head. Put my finger on the trigger… I couldn’t pull the trigger. Why? I was fearing that I would appear on some medical table with lots of pain. Another fear was, I just didn’t know what would happen after I shoot myself. Would everything become black? Will there be afterlife? You know, I was there alone, and I just felt that if I die, there probably won’t be anything. I was looking at the red/orange clouds on the horizon due to sunrise. It was peaceful. There were ducks floating about 10 ft from me. Before putting the gun to my head and pulling the slide, I promised myself that if I want be able to do it this time, I wont try again. From past experiences, I didn’t think that this particular kind of mission would go as well as it does this time, that’s why I promised not to try again. Here I am now.

Honestly I like my life. The main reason I wanted to kill myself is because I think I’m too stupid. That’s all. Many of the problems I caused myself and others, happened because I’m stupid.

I’m in mid twenty’s and still live with parents. I have one more year in college before getting a degree, and then I was thinking of moving out if I get a job. I could’ve finished college earlier, but I wasted my time stupidly. Never had a girlfriend. WTF? So you see it kind of sucks. Im not sure if I’ll ever get one. Also my future job would probably sort of suck. Many people today hate their jobs. Bosses earn money more than subordinates in unfair ways. Other rich people take away things from poor people, making poor people’s lives worse. That’s not fair. I can’t do anything about this unfairness, but kill all the trouble causing rich bastards. I won’t do that since I dont have the guts to do it. YOu possibly dont even trust me in this story. Oh well. I’ll just keep living, feeling like it’s not the life I want.