I’m starting to permanently make up my mind when it comes to suicide. I’ve had suicide attempts before and I’ve bounced back from depression at times, but this time it’s different. This time I can feel something pulling me towards death. It’s as if the world wants to take me back or as if death has fallen for me and it wants to take me home. I’m scared of shooting myself, I’m scared of waking up in a place full of pain and suffering despite the fact that I want to die in order to escape the daily pain I feel.
I have no idea what lies beyond death. There are so many theories yet non of them bring comfort. Hell, heaven, reincarnation, all these possibilities seem so real yet so false. If I kill myself will I wake up in a place full of fire only to get raped by demons? Will I wake up in a place full of ecstacy and happiness, is heaven even an option? Will there be nothing, an endless void of dakness consuming me or will I be forced to relive my worst memory over and over again due to my “selfish” actions.
I wish I knew, I wish something, anything could bring me comfort. For all I know I’m already in hell and I have to relive this life over and over again. I don’t know. I’m lost in my own sick and twisted thoughts. How did I end up here?
All I ever wanted in life was to be happy. I dreamt of having that white picket fence around my house, a loving wife to come home to, that sweet yet dull job that was from 9 to 5. My dream seemed so simple, so achievable. Little did I know I was being naïve, life isn’t so simple. The things we want most are the things we never get. I hate that so fucking much, I hate how my dreams have all shattered, I hate how alone I am, I hate the fact that I’m screaming as loud as I can yet no one comes and helps me. Can I even be helped at this point? How would you even be able to help a stubborn fuck up like myself? The answer is simple, you can’t.
My mind is my own worse enemy and it won. I’ve lost my sanity, my willpower, my spirit, the things that used to make me, me. I’ve lost it all. The only thing remaining is my life… is it time for me to have my life taken? If so, where will I go? What’s going to happen to me? I don’t know… I just don’t fucking know anymore. I’m frightened and alone and all I want is to wake up from this nightmare, I just want to wake up and feel love again. I want to wake up and feel accepted, I want my life to feel like a life. I just want to be happy, why has this world rejected my basic human need to feel happiness? What did I ever do to you? Whatever I did, I’m sorry. If my life is what it takes to rectify things then my life you will have, but please, I beg of you world. Wherever I end up, please, let it be free of pain.