That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?
Why are we here? What’s the point of all of this?
Pain. So much pain. Year after year after year.
Things will get better.
No… they won’t. Stop lying and giving me that weak-ass bullshit. You have no idea what it is like to be chronically depressed. Not speaking of you all here, of course. You understand quite well, I’m sure. But others don’t.
Abused by my father. Bullied in school. Been beat up. Been homeless. Fuck, I just got robbed at gunpoint by three fucking thugs a few months ago. They forced me on the ground and robbed me blind. Even took my damn car. At least the police got them. That was the odd thing about that situation. I’ve been suicidal for about two decades. I’ve attempted twice. So, you would think that some asshole putting a gun in your face would be a nice welcome. “Hey, do it for me. Go ahead and put me out of my misery.” But, it’s not like that when it really happens. I was laying down with my face in the dirt. They told me not to scream for help or they would shoot me in the head. Primal fear totally overcame me. I now have an idea of what people who have been murdered must have felt like before they were killed.
I think that is a big part of my problem. The source of my pain. The root cause, if you will. Other people. Somehow I feel that if I had been treated differently – better, of course – by others throughout my life I wouldn’t have turned out like this. Can anyone relate? I’m not trying to play the blame game or anything. I just genuinely believe that having been mistreated so many times has just kind of killed my spirit, so to speak.
8 comments
Yeah… But I never found it useful to blame someone. It took too much energy to hold a grudge for any significant length of time. Overwhelmed by everything else, it just sort of fades away. I can’t blame anyone. The world is the way it is. People can’t choose who they are, who to like, what they want- What their drives, fears, and motivations are. But sometimes it feels like the universe was set up just to personally screw with me. Hell, lately it’s been so bad I was starting to question whether or not there was a god; because it would seem to only make sense if there was a malicious force guiding things to beat me to the ground and keep on kicking.
That’s why I mentioned that I wasn’t playing the blame game. Holding grudges is pointless and only hurts you. And I do understand that human nature is biological and that, ultimately, people have very little control over themselves. And I totally understand where you’re coming from about the world being out to get you. Most of the time the world is more-or-less indifferent to me. But sometimes it gets bizarrely hostile. Weird stuff. And I, too, have thought that God, at the least, is punishing me in this life for bad thing that I may have done in a previous incarnation.
Humans are brutal, biased, prejudice, greedy, selfish, impulsive. Majority rule wins. the strongest survive. The weak are preyed on. The undesirable are pushed to the limits.
Maybe you can find some solace in the fact that it’s not really you to blame. There’s not hate in the universe taking its anger out on you. The world is simply absurd. Absurd, chaotic, random…
also, i never have understood this question. What is meant by “what is the point”?
Do you think that there is some hidden purpose set out by some personal deity
for us?
If my brother is having a wedding to his high school sweet heart…everything is perfect and then bam a rock rolls down a hill and lands directly on him…there is no purpose to this. It is the result of the physics of the universe we inhabit. There was no intention preceding the event or meaning to be discovered afterward
at least this is my understanding
Thank you. I know that the world was not designed to personally torture me. It just feels that way sometimes. “Absurd, chaotic, random…” I couldn’t have chosen three better words myself for the nature of life.
“What is the point?” Well, how do you know that there isn’t a point? You come across as an atheist. How do you know that your existence at this very moment isn’t just some random coincidence? Because you don’t know, is why. You can guess and postulate all you’d like, but at the end, it’s just speculation. Maybe there really is more to life than meets the eye. Our human senses aren’t exactly the most reliable things to base the entirety of life on…
yeah, i mean that’s nice and probably how most people think and would be nice if i did as well but if i could think like that i may have a much easier time staying off here and living with these ideas of killing myself. it’s not how my brain works.
it used too, and maybe i am just trapped in a self made defense i forgot how to step out of but yeah..
Well perhaps I can help. About 4 years ago or so, I was pretty much completely convinced that life was just the way it seems to be and that death meant oblivion. I had no belief in God or any sort of afterlife whatsoever. As I stated in my OP, I tried to commit suicide twice. One time it landed me in the ICU for 5 days and then had to go to a psych ward when the hospital discharged me. And then, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the only good thing in my life – my beloved fiancé – died. He was getting high on a roof and fell off. I found his body on the cement below with blood coming out of his mouth. He was rushed to the ER, but the doctors couldn’t save him. I can’t even begin to convey the kind of emotional agony that I was in after that. And then, the strangest thing happened… my dead fiancé sent me a message from the afterlife. Yeah, crazy I know. But it happened. And he was a lot like me in his disbelief of anything religious or spiritual. He flooded my body and mind with the deepest peace and told me that “everything is perfectly okay.” I’ll never forget that moment. I realized that I didn’t even know what the meaning of the word “peace” actually meant until I felt it for the first time. His spirit did it to my body. Take that for what you will, but it is a true story. And it has forever changed the way I think about life. I am desperate to go to the afterlife. It is so much better there. But I am aware that we are only supposed to go when it is our time to. If I go before then, I do not know what will happen…