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jealousy is such a fucking disgusting emotion. I just want to feel happy for other people and their accomplishments, because damn it, they’re good people. But I can’t help but feel terrible whenever I see someone else achieving an accomplishment, or getting something new or whatever it is.

I mean it’s so stupid to think that I’m getting upset over people getting material items, why do I feel so bad for people who get new stuff? I know that if I had said item or an item that could mean as much to me as it means to that other person, it wouldn’t make me any happier, I’d just have more stuff. And the same can be said about completing tasks or accomplishments- Once I get it done, sure, there’ll be a brief moment of something resembling happiness, but once that’s over, everything goes back to the way it was- I still feel empty, I don’t really feel that much better and I’ll probably still wanna die, no amount of material items or accomplishments seems to make that go away. So why do I feel so terrible about everything? Why do I think that if I could do [task] or get [item] that I could suddenly just feel happier?

Though recently I’ve found myself getting jealous of other people and their relationships with other people. Just like, seeing friend groups and seeing people interact, collaborate, whatever. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I would still be so upset if I had relationships like that. Though I have a lot of friends, I have people that say they care about me. Maybe I’m just too oblivious and ignorant to notice that the people in my life do want to have that sorta relationship, that want to collaborate on projects with me, want to hang out- but I constantly turn them down. Why? Am I afraid? What’s up with that? What i want is right there in front of me, yet I deny it every time and I still complain about it. That’s all I’m good for, isn’t it? Complaining about my problems but also not telling anyone about them.

Idk, I feel like it’s really difficult to verbalize my emotions to other people. I can write them down, but i can’t seem to string the words together to be able to say them.

 

thats all for now I guess,,,

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6 comments

dancingwithdeath 8/5/2018 - 5:36 am

I get jealous of others’ career achievements, it sucks!

HollowBoi 8/5/2018 - 7:20 am

I get jealous how my parents actually care about my brothers and all i get is treated as a convenient person to do thing they and my brothers don’t want to do.

Im jealous how my parents waste no time buying my brothers things that they ask for even though they’re old enough to buy those themselves, my parents cant even spend a dime to buy me new clothes all i get is hand-me-down.

Im jealous how i have to literally work for all the items i currently have while my brothers gets things they didn’t work for because they’re “older”.

I hate how i have to “take care” of my older brothers (not autistic) since they’re incapable of cleaning/cooking and lack common decency.

I hate the fact that i hate being with them yet i have nowhere else to go.

I hate the writhing pain from my chest that happens time to time.

I hate how i’ll be missed as a all-around house helper.

I don’t want to be jealous yet i had no choice.

NeverKnown 8/5/2018 - 10:02 am

I’m jealous of the people whose replies didn’t get auto-deleted. lol

NeverKnown 8/5/2018 - 10:10 am

Okay, let me try again.

Jealousy is human. I suspect those who don’t say “money doesn’t buy happiness” take for granted the happiness their things and money have brought them. I know if I lost my laptop (something today reminded me that), I’d be considerably more miserable. I know this material object has brought me a lot of happiness.

Having said that, yeah, I also wish I could feel better about the good things that happen to my friends. But I think it’s good to think about your feelings and take them into perspective. I have a friend visiting another country, and sure, I’m a little jealous. She gets to go on vacation while I get to cry everyday and be terrified of losing everything. But she worked her butt off for a long time to afford that vacation, and, honestly, vacationing to other countries, even though I’ve never done it before, isn’t high up on my wish list.

NeverKnown 8/5/2018 - 10:12 am

I suspect a lot of people, including people you know, have similar feelings. But people typically prefer to share their successes and positive experiences rather than their problems or pain. It can be frightening to make yourself vulnerable, to open up to people you know. Nobody wants to be a burden on others, and it’s scary that you might push people away. But, what can it hurt to open up? If you can open up to someone and they take it well, they become a friend that matters. And if they can’t deal with any sort of negativity, they’re just fair weather friends best kept at arms length anyway. I’ve noticed that whenever I’ve faced things heads on and socialize, rather than isolate myself and bottle things up, I end up feeling much better. And it sounds like you’re anything but oblivious and ignorant. I hope you work up the courage to enjoy some time with a friend or collaborate with them. Even if you don’t work up the courage to talk about your problems, maybe it’ll help to hang out with them first. You know, start small.

NeverKnown 8/5/2018 - 10:19 am

Ugh I had one last bit to comment, but it wouldn’t let me post. All I was gonna say is, however, I understand first hand that it’s easier said than done, and that life can be needlessly complicated.

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