jealousy is such a fucking disgusting emotion. I just want to feel happy for other people and their accomplishments, because damn it, they’re good people. But I can’t help but feel terrible whenever I see someone else achieving an accomplishment, or getting something new or whatever it is.
I mean it’s so stupid to think that I’m getting upset over people getting material items, why do I feel so bad for people who get new stuff? I know that if I had said item or an item that could mean as much to me as it means to that other person, it wouldn’t make me any happier, I’d just have more stuff. And the same can be said about completing tasks or accomplishments- Once I get it done, sure, there’ll be a brief moment of something resembling happiness, but once that’s over, everything goes back to the way it was- I still feel empty, I don’t really feel that much better and I’ll probably still wanna die, no amount of material items or accomplishments seems to make that go away. So why do I feel so terrible about everything? Why do I think that if I could do [task] or get [item] that I could suddenly just feel happier?
Though recently I’ve found myself getting jealous of other people and their relationships with other people. Just like, seeing friend groups and seeing people interact, collaborate, whatever. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I would still be so upset if I had relationships like that. Though I have a lot of friends, I have people that say they care about me. Maybe I’m just too oblivious and ignorant to notice that the people in my life do want to have that sorta relationship, that want to collaborate on projects with me, want to hang out- but I constantly turn them down. Why? Am I afraid? What’s up with that? What i want is right there in front of me, yet I deny it every time and I still complain about it. That’s all I’m good for, isn’t it? Complaining about my problems but also not telling anyone about them.
Idk, I feel like it’s really difficult to verbalize my emotions to other people. I can write them down, but i can’t seem to string the words together to be able to say them.
thats all for now I guess,,,