Against the grain

It’s tough when your going through changes. It seems everyone wants to hold you back. As somebody with social anxiety it can get exhausting when others hate on you for breaking your shell. Many of these people are not even the social ones but rather the other quiet ones. They give me dirty looks that seem to be saying “You’re a loner, don’t even try!”. They may have given up hope but I still haven’t. I know i can overcome i Social anxiety. These days i just embrace all the weird feelings that come along with getting out of my comfort zone. And although I’ve been fighting this for 4 years now….I’ve made some pretty dramatic improvements. People keep trying to disencourage me but I keep trying everyday. I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve made many social interactions awkward, but i learned something each time and i continue learning. I’ve actually learned enough to the point where on somedays i don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable with my behaviour. And it’s not like I’m forcing myself to do this. I don’t like being in a shell, I actually love conversating with people. I am willing to admit that social situations terrify me sometimes. And i believe that’s what has allowed me to make progress. I started being honest with myself and i quit pretending like i didn’t want to join in on chats. I quit pretending like i was too busy on my smartphone to talk. I quit wearing earbuds as a defense mechanism. Today i was sitting alone at a table and i felt lonely so i got up and joined another group of people at a different table. I didn’t die, nobody told me to fuck off or respond in any negative way. But in my mind i was thinking “everyone knows I’m a loser for sitting alone” and that’s the kind of negative self talk that has trapped me in isolation for so long back in high school. Yeah it’s tough but i ain’t giving up. Somedays i feel like crying from all the embarrassment but i keep going. Somedays people make fun of me but then i come back the next day with a big smile on my face like it didn’t faze me. I know i ain’t the only one with SA so if you have SA i just wanna tell you that it is possible to overcome this. I ain’t there yet but I’m seeing drastic changes in myself. If somebody as socially anxious as me can heal then you can too. I used to be too scared to come out my house. I was so afraid of people. But i just took that first step and the rest followed afterwards. It ain’t easy but it’s worth it. You will feel like giving up, people will piss you off, people will make you sad, but that don’t matter because that’s just part of the process. It sounds simple but just don’t give up.