I’ve been suicidal for around two decades now. I have always been social, but was very selective of whom I developed a genuine closeness with. That being said, my boyfriend and I were pretty much inseparable from the day we met. Five years later he died at the age of 35 from a freak accident. It absolutely blew my mind. And since the day he died (going on 3 years now), all I have wanted was for my life to be over as well. Can anyone relate?
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4 years ago my partner passed away. I’m similar to you, the suicidal feelings were there long before but after she died, it felt like hope died with her. Since then, I haven’t let anyone close. I felt it was protecting me and them but I’m beginning to realise that having no one is too hard. My logic to keep people away is that if I’m in a bus that’s about to crash, it would be wrong to open the door for them to hop in. You’re not alone. Feels like we’re on the same bus
We most certainly are. I long again for that closeness, but I feel that I would be doing another a great disservice by forming a relationship with them in the state that I am in. I certainly don’t want to cause this kind of pain to another person. It would be irresponsible of me. I also was suicidal before he died. I actually attempted once when we were together, then I stopped halfway through my attempt and had him take me to the ER. Ironically enough, I would come to this website and post and comment. He would sometimes, as well. He was also suicidal, and had attempted himself a couple of times. But our bond that we shared was truly unique. We were extremely close, and I couldn’t believe that life took him away from me. It felt like a whole new level of cruelty that I had never felt before. And like you, I also felt like I died with him in a way. My condolences for your loss.
I lost my first love 9 years ago. He was my only best friend too. After he left suddenly, his promises his love, our plans, everything haunted me day and night. I missed him so much that his absence drove me crazy helpless. I felt my life has turned dark and there is no way out. I started loving him more than before and relate to his every little thing in one or the other way in my day to day life. no one believes that I still miss him and cry for him. I fell in love with someone else again this year, but I feel guilty because I keep thinking about my past, look out for our love anniversaries, think of my first kiss, and tell myself that I will definitely meet him in my next life. There is this void in my heart that no one can ever fill. I was never able to come out of that pain and depression. Still feeling suicidal ever since he left me. New love or new people do not make any difference when it comes to the pain I carry. I think we can never undo the love for someone with whom we haven’t had a proper break up or a proper good bye. I believe I’m still in relationship with my first love and I want to miss him as long as I’m alive, otherwise our love would be forgotten by this world. This pain I’m feeling is a torture that others who have never been there cannot understand, and this pain is the price I have to pay for being alive even after him. I will soon put an end to this.
I can’t relate, but I did lose someone who I felt “got me” more than most people in my family. And that hurt – to not have that safe harbour and those laughs anymore.
For me, the only thing to do is to be super grateful for the time you got with that person – all the good it did you. And then to allow yourself to live on and let them rest. I don’t mean you should block them out – I just mean that it’s okay to not think about them 24/7.
Your fear of burdening a new partner with your depression I find considerate, but probably misguided. Other people get lonely too. Other people get sad too. To have someone by your side during that – that can help people. What you have gone through probably makes you extra suited to relate to someone having a bad day, and to treat them well.
Honestly, I would just put myself out there. People can reject you or walk away if they want – which is scary. But they might not do that.