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It’s been a year

by Danthedead

Hi! So, I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and I realised it’s been a little bit over a year since I first tried to commit suicide. I’ve experienced so many things, tried so many means of relief and just like I’d imagined nothing worked. Now, I’m more depressed and helpless than ever before.

They say it gets better, and so I used to think. I’ve been depressed as far as I can remember — I had my first major mental breakdown when I was 12, now I’m 19 soon to be 20. I used to think as I grew older, things would magically get better, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

It appears that it doesn’t really matter how hard I try and whatever situation I find myself in, I’m always gonna be miserable, and the desire to kill myself is gonna be there, haunting me no matter what.

Because I failed time and time again, I feel like I’m being dragged into living a life I don’t want to live. live got into a point in which I’m only alive because I can’t bring myself to hang in there (pun intended XD) for enough time to finally bite the dust.

Long story short, it does get better, it doesn’t mean, however, it gets bearable.

I now look back at the day it all began. Little did I know, by attempting to commit suicide that day I’d be setting a precedent for all of my life.

The only thing I’m certain of is that even if I fail next time, Imma keep on trying till I find ever lasting peace


Yours, Daniel




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Beneathetide 9/13/2018 - 12:38 pm

Don’t get too discouraged, it can get bearable. I was probably around your age when I first tried to kill myself. Made a lifestyle change 2 years ago, and now I’m 25 and I’m happy more days than depressed. I recently had my first episode in months, which is why I’m lurking around here again to prevent myself from caving in to those false toxic thoughts in my head so that I don’t regress. I still think about how death would be easier sometimes, but I no longer want to die like I used to.
Moral of the story, 20 is not the end. Were you ever diagnosed with anything specific? What are your short term goals and long term goals? I find that it’s super important to have both in order to stay happy, so you always have a point a B to aim towards

Danthedead 9/13/2018 - 4:28 pm

Hi, thanks for sharing ur thoughts, and hope you’re ok! I actually never went to a clinic or something like that, so I was never diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but I’m pretty sure I have at least severe depression and general anxiety disorder.

You see, I don’t have any goals at all, I used to before I had my latest major mental breakdown. I agree with you, it’s utterly important to have goals, but the closest to it I have is the strong desire to kill myself. In the end, I just feel like living isn’t worth it, all I can get is suffering. In order for that to change, I need peace and happiness, due to my own mind, I can get neither of those things.

Even whilst doing things most people say are supposed to bring happiness and enjoyment I can’t help but contemplating suicide. Weirdly enough, I sometimes think even if I were happy I’d still want to commit suicide, if that makes sense

whitefurmouse 9/13/2018 - 3:56 pm

I made lifestyle changes and I still feel that life isn’t for me. Heck I’m not the only example. I would hope others have a better experience though

Danthedead 9/13/2018 - 4:31 pm

Ikr! I’ve changed in ways I can hardly recognise myself, and yet I feel like life just isn’t for me either!
I honestly really doubt Imma make to my 30s

whitefurmouse 9/13/2018 - 5:57 pm

I have no idea how people make it past their 30s… Sleep, wake up, eat (insert tasks here), Sleep, wake up, eat (insert tasks here), Sleep, wake up, eat (insert tasks here)… for 50+ years… huh? is this meant to be enjoyable? I do have times where I enjoy stuff but overall its just… meh. The only satisfaction I seem to get as of late is working my butt off to try and get my ex back. Sad.

clipped-wings 9/13/2018 - 10:22 pm

You’re still young @danthedead. Don’t lose hope.

mountaingoat 9/13/2018 - 10:43 pm

What happened when you were 12? Can you describe the breakdown?

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