I needed someone to hear me. No one would listen. My mother ignored me when I told her I had been sexually abused by her stepfather. Then KNEW it was happening and turned a blind eye yet again as I was being Sexually assaulted by a “family friend”.
I started to break. As more adults discovered I was being molested and raped by this family friend and no one helped me. Adults who now wouldn’t let their daughters spend the night anymore but yet still didn’t, or wouldn’t, help me. The didn’t Stop it. Did not report it or talk to my parents. My Dad for instance had no idea it was happening. All these adults were Letting it happen. I felt less than worthless.
So I took as many pill as I could find one morning. Anything to stop the pain, to drown the shame and the horror. I didn’t care what they were or what they were for I took 33 pills. A combination of pain pills, muscle relaxers and other pills in my parents medicine cabinet. Even though I was acting off my mother sent me to school. Where my friends and teacher noticed something was wrong with me. I told a friend I took some pain pills. I could barely keep my eyes open or focus. When I couldn’t tell her what or how many pills she Told the teacher. I was rushed to the hospital barely conscious and not at all coherent in an ambulance. Where my stomach was pumped and I was placed on a Psychiatric hold. Then Transferred to a mental facility for teenagers. Where I stayed for weeks. My friends at school thought I had died. My parents and family were pretty broken. My mom finally had to face what was being done. And my poor Dad found out for the first time the horror his baby girl endured. But I strangely enough felt safe for the first time in a long time surrounded by all those crazy and broken people. No one was molesting me. Sneaking into my room at night and climbing on top of me. Smoking in the doorway before he began his assault. Even being on Constant surveillance where they even had to stay in the room when I BATHED I still felt less violated and more safe. I got some help. Someone finally listened to me. Made the rapes and horror stop. Better yet we moved and I got away from the man assaulting me and every person who did nothing to save a 14 year old girl. And now that I am old enough Distance between me and the one person who should have helped me most, My mother.
So now I speak up. Now I stand up. People can only break me if I remain silent. I found peace. And family.
It can get better and I am glad that 14 year old girl did not succeed. Because Now I know sex can be wonderful. And isn’t something that only leaves you feeling pain, shame and horror. I got to become the mother I should have had. And the person who would never let a child endure such horror as I did.